I'm back

[Roselily]

After a month ago, of introducing myself I'm struggling again with bad summer depression. My therapist and I have been trying to understand
why it's summer that my seasonal affective disorder flares up...

I think I've figured it out. It was during those summer months the days were so long... I was out of school... often alone with her ( my sister was sent off to boarding school) and I was left alone in her crazy hands to terrorize...
back up...
I was raised by a severe unBPD/NPD mother that affects my life daily. I guess one could say I suffered from a type of " ritual abuse" starting around 5 or 6 ... through 12 years old. As we know BPD rarely comes alone, but is co morbid with axis 1 one and other axis 2 disorders.
Well OCD, and OCPD accompanied my mothers BPD and NPD features.She was crazy as hell, went beserk when my father returned home from work, ( he left early, came home late). It was usual ... for her  to drum up something terrible I did... ( like asking to do something or go somewhere... she didn't like to be bothered having to run me to dancing lessons ... or other extra curricular activities... so I naturally was so bored and lonely as a little kid.
As
This involved ... stirring the pot... when Daddy got home... from work... I guess for attention... purposes... and starting a shouting match,invalidating statements, like " you'll never amount to anything," what are we going to do with you Etc. Maybe I should take you to the adoption center... and someone wud take you on". We were an upper middle class family... and no one had any idea what she did ...
( I had no understanding why or how this stuff came up... but it did regularly.
She had so many rituals.) ... on to of being intrusive, not allowing any privacy even in the bathroom ... or busting in my room at 2 a.m
On school nights flipping all the lights on... shouting at me to get out of bed and give her back her scissors( her imagination)  or ole thing stupid... .and she had misplaced them, blaming me...
 ... but the worst was this. After dragging me around to the grocery store, doing her shopping compulsions... ( like looking at patterns and fabric to have me homemade clothes made, despite my father being successful and educated... with college degree she demanded me and my sister wear homemade clothes like we were poor but wouldn't.
Anyway after hours of this ... terrorizing ...  the last stop was grocery shopping at least 2-3 times weekly, I was ushered to back seat ... with the groceries.

There were so many, roads ... she had to circle so many times, she had to make... ( OCD) before making the final round ... which we swung out onto a country road... ( usually near dusk) ... this is when I started getting hungry asking if we could please go home, I wanted to see Daddy.I would get anxious knowing where we were headed... and started digging in the grocery bags for a snack. Maybe  I feared she really wud do it, ( leave me out there, and was looking for food never knowing what she was going to do)
There had been a young girl about 13 years old, a good 10 years prior... .who had been murdered, and her little body was left under an old roof. ( no house just a roof). This was fun sport.to herwith me... She wud stop on the road... point out the roof
In field ... .where nothing else lay, and threaten to leave me there... ( again this came out of no where) ... I would get so frightened... when she demanded I open the car door, and get out. She said "I'm leaving you here... "
I would get historical... . crying... . Asking her to stop... Finally after she got her laugh... she move on ... and head back home. I wud be hoping praying my dad was there... when he was, he would state" xx why do you want to scare the children as you do " ... she would laugh and say she was playing a game... it happened over and over for years... .  Events like this were common occurance... daily... with put down, locking my sister and I out of the house for 5-6 hours often after dark... with no where to use the bathroom or anything to drink. We drank from the water faucet... and peed outside, while she slept after taking Valium.
I was allowed to play in her purse... with bottles of Valium spilling open... loose... and still remember eating them... and overhearing my dad on the phone to bring me into the emergency room to have my stomach pumped. This scared me... and threw them up ... same thing happened with aspirin...
It was profound neglect and abuse... .how does one ever get over this?
Has anyone else experienced this type thing? Has anyone witnessed as a child their mother pulling a gun on their father?
It's a miracle I lived through it... most times I wished I hadn't... sorry for length... I needed to get that out...

[Harri]

Hi.  Welcome back!

I can relate to a lot of what you shared here including summer vacations.  I too was at the mercy of my mother, often left alone as my father worked long days and my brother was at camp.  I have always disliked summer and am currently counting down the weeks to fall.  The summer smells, the heat, the long seemingly lazy days.  Yeah, i hear you though I do not have seasonal depression (it is more general).

The lack of privacy (even in the bathroom), what I refer to as the midnight raids when she would wake us up and make us clean the 'filthy' house because we were all pigs, are things many of us on this board have experienced.  I am sorry to hear that you had these too and I am especially sorry to hear about her terrifying you like she did.  That is so twisted and sick.

Yes, you did experience profound neglect and abuse.  You ask about guns.  My mother kept one beside her most of the time to protect herself from me.  She was scared, said she saw something evil in me, etc.  So I can relate to that too.

I don't have the answers for how to get over it as I am currently trying to work through it.  For me it will be a lifelong process.

Did you feel better after posting here?  I often do, though sometimes it hurts more before it gets better.

Glad you stopped by.  share more if you want.  So many of us can relate.

[Roselily]

Thank you Harri so much for reading that long post. It did give me comfort to write to post it... .I really didn't think anyone would read it... I'm sorry you had a bad childhood too... .I'm not sure I'll ever mend... .Ive been so afraid ... if picking up fleas from her... .BPD fleas... .I never had kids... .and because she drilled in my head for years, I was going to be nothing except have a house full of children... maybe subconsciously I needed to prove her wrong...
it's been a lonely life... I have persevered a lot... tried to live my live my own life, but as a whole it's been a tough path... to always remain.

I do want someone to love ... and love me in return... so much but due to my upbringing, ( even with therapy I'm a magnet to the PD's . So far... it's been relationships with NPD's   and BPD's.)  My ex husband was NPD/ASP diagnosed by our marriage counselor, and suggest I get away fast. I did...
it could have worst I suppose...  I'm sorry little children, that we were experienced
what we did.Have you been receiving therapy Harri? What have you found helps most?
Thanks again for listening... .

[Harri]

Hi again aldactone.  I think a lot of us fear having BPD traits.  I can't say if you have any of the BPD traits, but I not only feared it, but actually do/did have some traits.  I don't see how it is possible not to after the childhood I had.  We learn to cope in a dysfunctional environment so of course some of what we do is not healthy as we carry our behaviors with us later on in life.  Let me channel my old T here and say that those behaviors are not hard wired and can be changed. 

Is your fear more generalized or do you really think you may have some traits? 

I did not have kids either and am thankful for it.  There is no way i would have been a good parent back then.  Now?  I think I could be good at it!  LOL... .not gonna happen at 51.  Did you want kids, apart from the fear I mean?  It is so sad that your mom told you that stuff.  What a horrible thing to say.

I am glad you got out of an abusive marriage tho sorry it was abusive to begin with.  One things I am starting to look at is how I often think oh well, things could be worse and how I think I do it as a defense and to make things okay with myself.  I have no idea if that applies to you too, it just popped into my head after reading what you wrote and I figured I would talk about it.  Do you think it applies to you?

You asked what helps me.  Therapy hepls, especially with my last T and my current one.  Posting here on the Coping board has helped me very much.  There is so much support and people challenge me and my thinking.  It has made a huge difference for me.

Take good care A!

[Roselily]

Thanks Harri,
I don't have BPD... I have asked my therapist... she has known me a long time and says no.  I don't think I'll ever totally get over the damage done tho. Some days are good, some aren't. I'm so tired of being solo... I have deep empathy... and care abt others in a genuine way. I know myself well... but I hurt deep inside too... from loneliness. It was always a wish of mine to have a different family. My sister one early on, and has been married a long time. She has no idea how hard life can be alone, I know she cud have never been alone... .Not nearly as narcissistic as my Mom... but there's some stuff there... .that just isn't " right" .
She did some damage to her to her own daughter, but never sought therapy knowing that... That's always bothered me.
This past weekend ( haven't seen sister or neice in over a year)
I offered to come home and stay with her sick pooch... he's not going to be here much longer... .First my mother headed me off, in a panic ringing me every five mins, leaving long messages... why I shouldn't come home.
Then my sister called and said she was boarding her dog... they are the family I have... and yet there is no closeness or love there. I'm basically alone ... like I have no family. ( although I don't want to see my mother) ... Oh well... yes... like u could be worse... .I just don't get it... why God just doesn't take me... .It's not really living... , it sucks...

[Roselily]

Thanks Harri,
I don't have BPD... I have asked my therapist... she has known me a long time and says no.  I don't think I'll ever totally get over the damage done tho. Some days are good, some aren't. I'm so tired of being solo... I have deep empathy... and care abt others in a genuine way. I know myself well... but I hurt deep inside too... from loneliness. It was always a wish of mine to have a different family. My sister got  one early on, and has been married a long time. She has no idea how hard life can be alone, I know she cud have never been alone... .Not nearly as narcissistic as my Mom... but there's some stuff there... .that just isn't " right" .
She did some damage to her  own daughter, but never sought therapy knowingthat... That's always bothered me.
This past weekend ( haven't seen sister or neice in over a year)
I offered to come home and stay with her sick pooch... while she and husband went to wedding out of town... he's not going to be here much longer... .First my mother headed me off, in a panic ringing me every five mins, leaving long messages... why I shouldn't come home.
Then my sister called and said she was boarding her dog... they are the family I have... and yet there is no closeness or love there. I'm basically alone ... like I have no family. ( although I don't want to see my mother) ... Oh well... yes... like u could be worse... .I just don't get it... why God just doesn't take me... .It's not really living... , it sucks...