No longer my man

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi family,

Today I had 3 frantic back to back calls when I was in the shower.  I jumped out, worried that my son's father was phoning to say something had happened to my boy, to find it was my friend who wanted to warn me that she had seen the exBPDbf.  She said he was 'parading around hand in hand with a new girl' in an area where I'd normally be going to the gym on a Saturday.  The friend wanted to let me know in case I was training so that I had a head's up and could either brace myself or give the area a swerve.  It seems he has moved onto a replacement for the replacement in a short space of time.

So after some thinking I decided to do something else this afternoon instead and went for a long walk in a different direction to a shop I needed to visit.  On the way back, I suddenly decided that I was NOT avoiding the place and would head over to the supermarket there as I needed milk anyway and if I saw him, I saw him.  Felt a bit mad at myself for changing my plans to train and postponing until tomorrow out of avoidance.  So I marched down there and did what I needed to do with my head held high.  Nothing doing.  

It was bright and sunny and a nice breeze was ruffling my skirt as I sauntered back home without a care in the world when I was passing a housing estate and all of a sudden I almost walked straight into him!  I'm short sighted and hadn't been hyper vigilant on that street as it's the last place I'd expect to bump into him.  Guess the new girl must live around that estate.  So although I'd sensed two people coming towards me around the corner I didn't pay attention.  He obviously saw me first though, as when I practically crashed into him he had his eyes cast downwards and couldn't look me in the face.  Was it shame I saw?  To his right was a girl whom I only saw flash by and wouldn't recognise if I saw again.  He was clearly very uncomfortable.

It all felt very surreal.  This is the first time I've actually seen him with someone else.  The surreal part was I almost didn't recognise him at all.  He has lost so much weight that he looked like a different man.  I'm glad.  I think it helps because the man I thought I knew wouldn't have done the things he did, wouldn't be with a second woman so quickly and didn't look like the man I passed today.  That man would have smiled and flashed his bright blue eyes at me.  That man is gone.  I felt ... .nothing.  I walked past a total stranger.  He is no longer my man.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I am getting better. 

Love and light x  

[Harley Quinn]

Hi family,

Today I had 3 frantic back to back calls when I was in the shower.  I jumped out, worried that my son's father was phoning to say something had happened to my boy, to find it was my friend who wanted to warn me that she had seen the exBPDbf.  She said he was 'parading around hand in hand with a new girl' in an area where I'd normally be going to the gym on a Saturday.  The friend wanted to let me know in case I was training so that I had a head's up and could either brace myself or give the area a swerve.  It seems he has moved onto a replacement for the replacement in a short space of time.

So after some thinking I decided to do something else this afternoon instead and went for a long walk in a different direction to a shop I needed to visit.  On the way back, I suddenly decided that I was NOT avoiding the place and would head over to the supermarket there as I needed milk anyway and if I saw him, I saw him.  Felt a bit mad at myself for changing my plans to train and postponing until tomorrow out of avoidance.  So I marched down there and did what I needed to do with my head held high.  Nothing doing.  

It was bright and sunny and a nice breeze was ruffling my skirt as I sauntered back home without a care in the world when I was passing a housing estate and all of a sudden I almost walked straight into him!  I'm short sighted and hadn't been hyper vigilant on that street as it's the last place I'd expect to bump into him.  Guess the new girl must live around that estate.  So although I'd sensed two people coming towards me around the corner I didn't pay attention.  He obviously saw me first though, as when I practically crashed into him he had his eyes cast downwards and couldn't look me in the face.  Was it shame I saw?  To his right was a girl whom I only saw flash by and wouldn't recognise if I saw again.  He was clearly very uncomfortable.

It all felt very surreal.  This is the first time I've actually seen him with someone else.  The surreal part was I almost didn't recognise him at all.  He has lost so much weight that he looked like a different man.  I'm glad.  I think it helps because the man I thought I knew wouldn't have done the things he did, wouldn't be with a second woman so quickly and didn't look like the man I passed today.  That man would have smiled and flashed his bright blue eyes at me.  That man is gone.  I felt ... .nothing.  I walked past a total stranger.  He is no longer my man.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I am getting better. 

Love and light x  

[enlighten me]

Hi Harley

NC might help you avoid feelings but theres no better way of getting over the ex than by seeing them. Its amazing when the veil is lifted and you see them without the rose tinted specs. I at times wonder why I was so attracted to mine.

Kudos to you for facing up to it and not hiding away.

P.S. it does feel good when you make them uncomfortable just by being there and not being bothered by them. Its like taking back the power from them.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks enlighten me,

Must be honest, I'm not sure I would have looked quite the picture of serene cool I did had I actually had any awareness they were there 

Everything for a reason hey?  Three cheers for terrible eyesight!  Knew it had to come in handy for something ... .

Love and light x

[jambley]

good. well done you. oh and eff him, you're worth better.

[Gumiho]

NC might help you avoid feelings but theres no better way of getting over the ex than by seeing them.

Right? That's why I told my (ex?)gf many times over the course of numerous breakups that breaking up over telephone/messenger is invalid, in my eyes. For both mutual and one-sided breakups.

Over her 10 something (forgot) breakup threats she not even once had the guts to face me saying it in person.

[Fishmedic]

Harley
 
I can so relate to that "look of shame/guilt". The only reason I even knew my uBPDexgf was seeing someone else this most recent time, was because i saw them out at the park together walking his dog, a week after i had last been with her. I've never, in our 6yrs on and off together, seen her look so ashamed, or embarrassed. It was surreal. It truly looked like she was going to vomit, then she gave me a real sheepish wave behind his back so he wouldn't see. I was on rollerblades, i looked her in the eye, and decided to just keep going. Haven't heard from her since, 7wks now. 
Glad to hear you were unaffected. Don't change your routine on account of him. Live life to the fullest. I also worry about seeing my ex at the gym, market, and park downtown where i frequent, because she doesn't have a license, it's all within walking distance for her. But haven't seen her since, clearly mirroring her new man and completely changed her daily routine to his. That or she's just avoiding me, either way, i'll take it. 
Take care.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi all,

I just wanted to thank you for your replies.  Feel blessed to have this community where I can get my thoughts and feelings out whilst knowing that those who read them don't need a full explanation of why even small things are so epic in the healing process.  It's a heck of a journey, and we can do this.  Thanks for being here.

Love and light x

[allienoah]

Harley Quinn I want to give you a ton of congrats and "good for you"'s. I think you were amazing and I am so happy you are in the place you are in. It shows that there is hope! 

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks and yes there is allienoah.  I'm not cartwheeling down the street yet and have a lot of work to do on myself, yet I recognise those things and am taking tangible actions, so feel like those baby steps are starting to add up.  We can all get there.

I've mentioned this quote before and will share it again now.  It's one a friend sent to me and said it reminded her of me (for a different reason long ago) and I've often thought of it:

You can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf.

Love and light x    

[allienoah]

I love that quote!

[Harley Quinn]

Great!  See you on the surf 

Love and light x

[Lalathegreat]

I am so proud of you - I can't imagine at the moment putting myself in a position knowing I might see him again, but I know that once I get there it will be a HUGE milepost!

Also in love with the surf quote because... .life will always have waves. This might be a big freaking tsunami, but maybe if I can learn to surf on this tsumani, there won't be anything else I can face in life that I can't handle. Thank you.

[Harley Quinn]

I am so proud of you - I can't imagine at the moment putting myself in a position knowing I might see him again, but I know that once I get there it will be a HUGE milepost!

Also in love with the surf quote because... .life will always have waves. This might be a big freaking tsunami, but maybe if I can learn to surf on this tsumani, there won't be anything else I can face in life that I can't handle. Thank you.

Thanks Lala,

You got this.  And we've got your back.

Love and light x