stubborness

[beady]

So, my husband and I have been to see a psychologist, and she recommends NC with my uDD34 for 3 months. However, in an e-mail we received from my daughter (one of the rare ones as usually doesn't answer any we send her) she mentioned she was unwell. 10 days or so later, we reached out to her to find out if there was anything we could help her with. She responded that she was not sick. So, we went against our psychologist advice and asked my uDD if she was interested in meeting with us to discuss issues that she has raised from past experiences she's had as our daughter, in the presence of the psy. She has yet to reply.
The issue I raise is this. Has anyone else dealt with the stubbornness that my daughter has. She refuses to correspond in any way except through email. My husband and I, as well as our psy. agree that to address any of our DD concerns with email is not advisable. My DD has been inflexible about the email thing, and even then, won't answer most of our messages because they do not deal with the issues we have between us. And she has a whole litany of things she feels has been forced to deal with... .too many to address via email. She has always been overly stubborn, and have I told her so in the past. ( probably not a good thing in hindsight). Of course, this now is one of the issues she wants to discuss with us.
Anyone else dealing with this inflexibility? Is this black and white thinking?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi beady

First of all I'm sorry your daughter and her decision to limit her contact with you is causing you so much pain. Hugs to you both, that hurts.

I can only speak for myself and my experience with my DS26. He's very opinionated and, of course, his way is the best way.  Yes, he was very stubborn but I can see now that this was due to his inability to be flexible. He likes things to happen as planned and really struggles with happenchance or when plans don't go as they were intended. This limitation causes him difficulties at work.

As far as those times he limited contact with us it was because he couldn't deal with how we interacted with him or how we reacted to how he lived his life. This was pre diagnosis. I've learnt to interact in a better way using better communication and validation skills. But first I read as much as I could about BPD and I encourage you to do the same.

It's great you've sought support for yourself. Did the psychologist explain why they wanted you to have a 3 month break?  Also, which of you felt the need to contact your daughter?  Me and my H didn't always see eye to eye and I can see that at times we feed off each other's high emotional state. It's a struggle we have but now we know, it's got better than it was.

Hugs

LP

[Mutt]

Hi beady,

Did you ask your P why she only wants to communicate this way? I'm assuming that she's talked on the phone in the past and communicating by email is newer she's using email because it's less emotional for her than using a phone or talking face to face.

[beady]

Thank you both Mutt and LP for replying. I realize I have disregarded my Psy. advice by contacting our daughter via email, but what happened is that both my husband and I thought a missed call on our cell phone might be our daughter. A rare thing since she almost never calls us except when she needs something. And given that she mentioned she was not feeling well, we thought we should phone her to find out if she was OK. Also, we were in bright sunlight, and the number shown on the phone screen was hard to see, so we erred by phoning her, and she was not amused. My daughter was very angry with us for having phoned her. Very cold.
So, we sent off an email later apologizing for the call and then as an attempt to mitigate things, offered her a chance to discuss things in a safe environment.
She says she becomes very stressed around us, and talking to us, so she prefers email. She's become very inflexible about this. And given that the advice from the Psy. was to not email her, we are now LC. I believe the reason for the Psy. advice is two-fold. One is that anything we put in writing is set in stone so to speak, and given that conversational nuances are lost when written, things could be twisted to reinforce our daughter's arguments. Secondly, I believe it's to force our daughter to take stock of the things we have done for in the past, and show her we do indeed have some redeeming qualities.
Like others here, I find it so difficult, given our daughter's history, to not worry about her, but I guess I'll have to learn.
Thank you both for your advice.

[Lollypop]

Hi beady

Learn is what we do, it's all we can do in this crazy parenting situation we're all in. We all are doing our very best, we all can try a little bit harder. I understand why you contacted your daughter and i think I would have done exactly the same thing. I agree that it's very very hard not to react, particularly when I'm in FOG. You heard of this? Its when I'm in fear, feeling obligated or guilty about something. I found it good to at least recognise it, then go ahead anyway  . I'm getting better though! I try and not make any decisions when I can see I'm in the FOG as they very often end up being the wrong ones.

While you're in LC and with seeing your therapist you've got a fantastic opportunity to help yourself get some calm and also a better understanding of what's going on and hopefully some answers why. You clearly love your daughter very much, she's extremely lucky to have you persevering and exploring a way forwards.

How long have you been seeing the psychologist and how are you finding it?

LP