I lied and admitted it.

[nvr.thought]

Hello I am a m25 with f26 uBPD partner for almost 2 years in ldr. We see each other for 2 weeks every 1 or 2 months. 3 weeks ago I made a mistake. I told her a lie about going home after a home birthday. It was a great time with my friends and they wanted to get a beer in a nearby pub. Their plan made me so worried immediately about her response on it. Before even thinking I said I was going home and confirmed that to her multiple times. She must have felt it and kept asking for days so I told her the truth a week later. Right then all contact was cut off, blocked everywhere, except for a few very short text messages when she unblocked me. I have apologised to her multiple times validating her feelings and expressing how much I care for her. I blame myself for it because it was wrong to do. 3 days ago she unblocked me and told me she can never trust me, everything about me is fake, and she cannot be with someone who betrays her. I again told her how guilty I feel and I understand how it must make her feel doubt about my honesty in other things but that my love is real. No answer since but I haven't been blocked anymore either. These days in limbo are so hard and I'm in so much doubt of the things I can even expect to happen. Does anyone have any experience?

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[ScottishKin]

It happens, brother.

I myself am guilty of bending the truth with my estranged uBPD wife to avoid 'problems'. However, lying about where you are especially in a LDR in regards to social situations, can upset even the most emotionally hardy of women (and men).

But, don't beat yourself up about it. The illogical jealousy, volatile reactions and controlling behaviour of a BPDer can make the best of us go against the grain of our own self; if you're a normal, well adjusted young guy with a good moral compass and a sense of integrity, I know you don't want to lie - it can be a by-product of the disorder which hangs over your relationship like a thunderhead.

I'd suggest explaining why you felt the need to be dishonest in a validating and disarming manner. Be honest. When a lie runs its course, you have nothing left but the truth - or more lies. Go with the former.

My honesty seemed to untangle my wife's problem with the thing or things I didn't initially be forthright about, but BPDers have a canny way of making you feel that way.

In reality, I think it just got added to 'the list'.

[Meili]

Sadly, I think that most of us here have some experience with what you are talking about.

I agree with almost everything that ScottishKin said. I'm not sure that I would start a discussion about why you felt the need to lie though. That might just make your situation worse.

People who present BPD traits typically experience emotions in a far more intense way than others. This means that something that would only mildly upset most people can be felt as catastrophic to others. Fear of rejection and abandonment are at the top of that list for pwBPD.

If you bring up why you felt compelled to lie, that might make her think that you are blaming her for your choices and actions. If that's the case, intense anger may be what follows.

Another possibility is that she'll agree with why you felt that you needed to do it, shame will be her response, that will trigger the fear of abandonment and intense anger may be what follows.

It is probably her reality that trust has been broken for her. If she does have BPD, she may very likely be thinking that what is going to follow is your abandoning her. All of this is probably very real in her mind and her emotions will have more effect on her than your words.

You're probably going to have to slowly rebuild her trust. It is going to take time and consistency. Those two things are essential to helping a pwBPD feel safe.