I decided to join BPD family. I wish they would of had something like this years ago. It took me 50 years to gather tidbits of information as to why my father was the way he was so that I could get the help I needed and to find a new normal for myself. If I were to sum up the years I had experienced, it would be best described as confusing. I thought my childhood and the experiences I had in my family life were abnormal.
Hi Mary,
Welcome to bpdfamily! I'm fairly new myself so I'm hoping others will chime in too. I think many of us who had parents with BPD or other personality disorders would definitely describe our childhoods as "confusing", if not use stronger words... .
Then, about 5 years ago, a friend of mine who had listened to my story mentioned that my father might have BPD. I had never heard of it. I began researching the behavior and realized that the stories people had were VERY similar to mine. I was actually relieved! It was the first time that I actually felt validated for what I had experienced. I never hated my Dad, never. I knew something about my Dad was off. He did admit to me, only after giving him an ultimatum that he was abused as a child. I didn't need to hear him say that to know that he was abused, but there was something else going on that I couldn't put my finger on. His emotional maturity was that of a child. He didn't seem to understand the pain he could cause and often use to say, "Are you mad at me?" instead of owning his behavior and apologizing for it.
That is interesting your friend thinks your dad may have had BPD. If you look on the right side of this scren, you will see a column with a menu. The first choice is "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?" Maybe that can help you understand the disorder and see if it possibly fits your dad's behavior. It seems that many pwBPD were abused. The cycle just seems to continue unless people get help. That's interesting you mentioned emotional maturity and your dad saying "Are you mad at me?" like a child would. My parents both have the emotional maturity of 4 year olds, sad to say. Due to the nature of the BPD condition, owning up to pain caused and apologizing is just not something they do. They project and blame everyone else.
Over the years, especially after my mother passed away, I had to choose, for myself the kind of life I wanted for me and my own family. I chose me.
Many of us had to make that decision as well. There are people who choose to go "no contact", "very low contact", or "low contact". Only you can make that decision and I respect those who are able to, versus staying in contact just because of guilt or societal pressures.
I had to. I couldn't keep living as a target. It wasn't fair to me or my father. I could always be there for Dad, but truth be told, his fear was greater than my love for him. Dad needed professional help. I would of loved to be that person for him, but you do realize that love doesn't everything. If I could go back in time with what I know now, I would of told Dad that I would continue the relationship only if he sought professional help. I'm pretty sure he would of told me that I needed the help, not him, but it would of been worth that try.
It won't do you any good if you look onto the past with morbid reflection. Look back on the past, but don't stare. It's not common for people with BPD to get professional help. Even if your dad did, you have no idea how he would've handled it or treated you during or after it. Most people with BPD blame others and make us out to be the crazy ones needing help instead of themselves. I think they do that because it's too painful for them to admit to themselves that they're the ones who need help.
Anyway... .Just wanted to introduce myself and hope to learn more.
There is a lot to learn on this website, since it doesn't just focus on the message boards. To the right --> you will see "Lessons" and a "Survivors Guide". I suggest you look through those. Also there are other great links on this website about "Boundaries" and helpful tools.
