So today marks 2 weeks since I last sent something to my ex. I can't believe this is the longest I have ever not reached out as we broke up in January and then had a mini recycle from late March into late April. I believe in late May she was fishing for a possible recycle but I flat out told her I couldn't (something I need to remind myself about and be more proud of).
Anyway, I wanted to share some thoughts on it so far. It's actually weird. But I have finally really begun to just accept that it's over and will never be again. So what have I been doing?
1. Keeping busy. My 2nd job has finally started to garner clientele. On a weekday I work my normal job during the day and 2-3 days of the week I go to the second job for an hour or two. By the time I get home I'm exhausted. I have also become much more involved in my stocks and investments. I have a very logical mind and love to see results and really study a stock for the possible price move which is a lot of fun for me (and the money ain't too shabby
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2. I'm being "myself" again. I am so weird/off the wall personality wise and that just hasn't happened very frequently since january. Well two weeks ago I decided I was going to be myself again. People at work love it and we have so much fun. Picture Monty Python on speed and you have my real personality. I also stop and talk to co-workers and people in stores again just to try and make them laugh or smile.
3. I'm going out again. The past 2 weekends I went out to the bar with friends. And it was a lot of fun. I even met a girl and, even though I don't feel real amazing about it, it did end up to us being intimate. If anything, it did reinforce that women really do find my looks and personality attractive which feels good after spending so much time with someone who (during the last year of the relationship) might have complimented my appearance once or twice.
Where I'm struggling.
1. I know what I'm doing, but it is easier. I know that I am running from my feelings by keeping so busy and goal focused. When they do arise, which they always do, I am getting better at getting to the feeling and keeping my focus off the event itself. So maybe I'm not running from them; maybe I'm just getting better at identifying the feeling and letting it go?
Does a part of me still hope for the day she reaches out needing something or wanting to talk? Yeah, absolutely. It would validate me in a way. But would I ever honestly consider getting back together with her? Honestly, as I type this today, I never would. The 3 pro's she had do not count out the 40 plus cons I wrote down.
I deserve better for myself. I messed up a lot. That's the truth. But if I wasn't worth a conscious effort from her to improve the relationship instead of trying to just pretend we didn't have to put work in together than I don't need someone like that.
I wanted to say one more thing that has helped. This might be a touchy subject but I want to be honest. If you have noticed I have not really posted here the past 2 weeks. Maybe 5 comments total. I realized that being here so much constantly kept her in my mind. And that just allowed it to slowly nag at me until I would rationalize some excuse to reach out. So after this post I will be going away for a little more. I will come back from time to time as I progress but if you are really struggling and spend ALOT of time here (as I did) you might benefit from trying to distance yourself a little bit. If you can't get the ruminations out of your head it might not help to be in a place that adds fuel to the fire of rumination. Or not... .please don't think I'm telling anyone what to do.
Thanks for reading. Hope all is well with people. It's possible. If I can make it 14 days (and we all know how nuts/obsessed I was) then anyone can achieve it. My next goal? Double up my time and go for another 2 weeks. By that time I will probably be even less concerned about her and what she is doing. She's not worth my time anymore.
