Not sure where this is coming from...maybe

[roberto516]

So I have been doing pretty good so far. Brief moments of thinking about her where i am able to feel the feeling and stay off the situations surrounding it. Well today has been pretty difficult. Yesterday at work my boss mentioned her name and I still had that jolt of shock that ran through my body. It's like I have to pretend she doesn't exist anymore and when I hear that she is still very much alive and on this earth I feel the jolt.

Second, my therapist came back from vacation so I had my first session in about 2 weeks. I spent my time talking about my progress in mood and stuff but also about her. Maybe the talking about her after 2 weeks or so is bringing things up again in my brain?

I went out last night with a friend and had a couple drinks. I remember writing her an email. For the life of me I have no idea what it entailed. And then, somehow, I erased all the words and cancelled the email. But I came really close. I even woke up and was afraid to check my sent emails in case I had sent something. Thankfully I didn't.

Now today I woke up and I am really struggling with sadness, loneliness, etc. The "what if's" have crept back in although I am able to quickly remind myself what would have really happened. I don't know. Naturally I also start thinking "what is she doing?" "who is she with?" "she never could go so long without talking to me or wanting to know what I was doing how could she just stop all attachment?" etc.

I think it's just a natural dip in emotions that are bound to happen during post acute withdrawal. Monday will be 3 weeks since I last reached out and to my knowledge she has not tried. I think the further I get along the more I come out of it but also the more I begin to fear and accept that this is over for good and I will never see her again, hold her, joke around with her, make love to her, talk to her on the phone, etc etc etc.

Just wanted to share it all. It's uncharted territory for me in this relationship to go so long without communication. I know it's just anxiety, sadness, fear of the unknown and the sort but I don't know what has happened for it to take such a hold on me today and for me to just feel down all of a sudden.

And I do know this relationship would never work and it is still something that I could never be a part of again no matter the circumstances or situation. Rationally and logically I know it is finished 100% not just because she is done but because I too have begun to see that I deserve better if I ever give my heart to someone again.

[panhead67]

[quote author=roberto516 link=topic=312206.msg12885267#msg12885267 date=1500139868
Now today I woke up and I am really struggling with sadness, loneliness, etc. The "what if's" have crept back in although I am able to quickly remind myself what would have really happened.

I can identify. This is what's happening to me, as n/c is broken because he shows up at the workplace,  every couple of weeks.   I have clearly backtracked. I have been anguished. If he reached out for me at this moment,  I would not be able to walk away.
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