So lost , need help ASAP

[ghtfvv]

I just found this forum today. Thank you for taking the time to read and help. I am a 22 year male who is dating a 20 year female. We started going out nearly 1.5 years ago and there have been many many signs of my GF having BPD. For instance, she has major trust issues. I am 100% faithful, but she will accuse of me of cheating for the most ridiculous cases. She even goes to the extent to make up lies like how someone messaged her telling her I was cheating on her to get some sort of answer out of me or pretend like she saw me in person with someone. Her defence was "I am a woman, I have a right to 'test you'" I have never been in a relationship before and due to me wanting to not cause a fight I brushed this off. My GF also has very crazy mood swings "Splitting I guess" She will go from telling me she adores me to hates me in hours. She is also very non-trusting to everyone in her life, sadly because she has faced betrayal in the past. When we get into fights she seems to explode all of a sudden, some little thing could trigger her and she turns into someone who swears, yells, shuts the phone on my face etc. All of our fights have happened over the phone thankfully. Anyway, we have had major problems the last couple of months. I could do something to trigger her and she will bring up little details and sum them up to give herself some rational of why I am the worst human possible. For instance, 7 days ago we had a fight because in her mind me being on facebook all day = he must be talking to other girls, and me asking her for coffee (knowing full well she doesnt like coffee) = I must have recently went on a coffee date with another girl etc = he is 100% cheating. This is not the case at all. Anyway, I said something that triggered her on the phone and she exploded telling me things like ":)ont ever talk to me again. If you do, I will call the cops" The next day, I didnt message her. But the day after that was my birthday so she sent me a birthday message, I replied and we spent the next day messaging back and forth. We made up, next day went on a great date. I go home and I get a wonderful message telling me how I am the best BF ever, how I give her reason to live etc. The very next day, we plan to go out but she cancels last minute. She calls me, and I am kind of pissed of her cancelling so I dont sound too happy, plus with the fact that something else was bothering me I give one word replies, and dont sound too into the phone call. She tells me a personal story, and I dont sound very caring... .she then freaks out, closes the phone in my face, sends me a long winded message of how I only care about my self, and I am so bad because of X,Y,Z, deletes our relationship status on fb etc. In her mind, she convinced herself that I dont care about her and I am selfish. She said "dont try to manipulate me into getting back together with you." I let her be for 1 day, and then tried calling/texting/apologizing/even made a video for her etc. After two days of effort, no reply at all. I am thinking of delivering flowers to her house in a few days and after all this I dont get a reply, then I will say I did all I could and sadly end it. I love this girl more than anything, and it is so ironic that she thinks I am so selfish and hurtful, she does this to me and if I ever tell her this hurts me, she says "it is always about you isint" that is why I let her step over me. She NEVER apologizes for anything, it is always me even if it is for her irrational thinking. More context, a year ago her mom died so I think she may have depression or other disorders, she hasnt had time to grieve and her dad never talks to her about her problems. What should I do? Should I do the flowers idea?

Thank you very much

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi and

Im glad you found us. It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. There is a lot to learn about BPD but you are not alone, you can get much support and feedback from the community here. We are here to help each other.

Only professionals can diagnose BPD, that said your girlfriends behavior is familiar to many of us. I can tell you that my relationship with a pwBPD has greatly improved since I joined and started learning about the disorder and the tools we can use to make things easier on us. You will find these linked to the right of the posting area on the page  Ive also found that the skills we learn here improve relationships in general with people that dont have a disorder so its been really worthwhile and a great experience.

Its really hard to be wrongly accused of something. It feels personal and unfair, but the interesting thing about BPD is that those feelings are more about her than you. Sometimes the best we can do is just listen to the feeling behind the words. That feeling is Im afraid of losing you.

Flowers are nice but talking is better if you can be empathetic and try to validate her feelings. I know its hard to get through, even more so when someone is behaving erratically. Sometimes when we initiate and extend a hand in a friendly and empathetic way the other person follows.

Have you heard from her since you posted? What would you like to see happen most of all?

[forlorn]

Hi!  And a most heartfelt welcome!  To echo LadyBug, I can tell you that I definitely experience behaviors from my partner that are eerily similar to what you've posted.  And I totally appreciate the caring approach that you are trying to take with your girlfriend.  I just want to encourage you to be mindful not to ignore your own needs as you work through this.  You were not created to be someone's verbal or emotional punching bag.  Defining boundaries for yourself and how you want to be treated is healthy and productive.  Working on this myself, and it's not easy when you put all of your energy into making someone else happy.