Looking for Support

[JaybirdA]

Hello there BPD Family community! The SO in my life with BPD is my wife of 9 years, romantic partner of 17. Amazingly, in spite of plenty of relationship troubles that led us to seek couples counseling at various points over the years--as well as individual therapy--it was just about a year ago when we finally received a diagnosis of BPD. My wife does not accept the diagnosis and quit therapy, but reading about BPD has made sense of so much that was so confusing to me about our relationship for so long.

I am looking for support in my efforts to stop perpetuating my role in our mutual dysfunction. Given my own tendency toward both rescue and withdrawal, I've found myself in a place that is both very isolated and not very personally satisfying.

I should add that we have 2 children--a daughter aged 8 and a son aged 5--and that my concerns about my relationship with my wife extend to them, for all of the obvious reasons.

Glad to have found this group!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MrRight]

Welcome Jay.

Could you describe some of the behaviour patterns of your wife that you find problematic?

[JaybirdA]

Sure. The biggest things are unpredictability of mood combined with pretty drastic mood swings, a lot of over-the-top anger directed at either me or the children, particularly my 8-year old daughter, fear of abandonment (with me). Perhaps one of the most challenging things is that anytime one of the children express a preference for doing something with me in a particular moment rather than her, she interprets that as rejection by the child and it sends her into an emotional tailspin.

The anger at the children in particular is challenging, because she bristles at any attempt to calm her down, which often makes her more angry, but now at me instead of the kids. And she will openly express that in front of the kids, which is not particularly healthy in my view. We all have moments when we get angry at our kids, of course, but if I'm losing it over something, I'm happy if she steps in so that I can go cool off. The fact that she takes it as a personal affront if I try to diffuse is really bizarre to me. Particularly because her dad was always full or rage (something that traumatized her as a kid) and nobody intervened to stop his rages, which is something she views now as hugely problematic.