Hi truthbeknown,
Are you hoping to reconcile the r/s?
I don't think it's possible because of the dynamics. Sometimes I fantasize about it and I don't know why. What the dream is that she would contact me and try to re-engage but I would say, "only if you were willing to engage in some form of help from outside sources, do work on yourself etc."
However, in reality I don't feel she is motivated to do this because she has the silver spoon syndrome- her parents spoon feed her money whenever she needs it and therefore she is emeshed with them (especially the mom who is very manipulative and paranoid). So in some ways i have empathy for her because I know she is being manipulated. However, she turns that manipulation onto me as like the old saying: "hurt people, hurt people."
You're right- healthy individuals would just say, ______ this and walk away. What keeps me hooked is how she was different in the beginning and my empathy for her b/c my kids are going through the same thing she is going through with her mom. My ex and her mom are so alike its scary! My kids have allegiance to their mom not out of love but out of fear. So love becomes power. I was the only one in her life that didn't try to manipulate her and she pushed me away. Really ironic and sad. The emotional tie in for me is that in some metaphoric or weird way I had hoped that since she was an adult that my love for her would help her to want to fight the pattern of influence that her mom exerts.
In the beginning when she was on anti-depressants she fought back against her mom's negative influences. After getting off, she is weak and is being influenced by all the wrong people. It's almost like a teenager choosing poor friends who get one to do bad stuff, she has taken that path with my replacements. Again, perhaps i anchored saving her with saving my kids or giving hope that my kids could recover in adulthood. However, losing this battle with her diminishes my hope that my kids will be able to win the fight later on
I may have to unfriend her so that I'm not tempted to look but I wanted to remain friends. I think I'm fooling myself that we can be friends and again that is another emotional challenge I'm working through. Once i get back on track financially I want to seek help because as the forum helps me I think having someone that I could talk to face to face would also be helpful.
Oh one other big hook: She has a big family and so did my ex wife. In between the two of them I had an experience with someone who didn't have a big family and was feeling like a loner like me. When we broke up I had no problem maintaining no contact for awhile. We eventually reconnected and remain as friends today. However, being included as part of the family and then having that pulled away from me has thrown me into a PTSD of sorts bc this happened with my ex-wifes' family as well. She was also my religion and she brought me into her community and now all of that is gone. I feel she projected her abandonment onto me and now I have taken it on because I got addicted to the family and belonging to a group again.
Now it's just me again and I will get used to that but seeing those pics definitely doesn't help.
I know I am still living the trauma or fallout with my kids and the first BPD woman. I do have a way of attracting them. Back to the drawing board and trying to work on myself again.
