Breaking up and getting back together, a pattern

[eggfry]

From what I've been learning about BPD, it seems common for them to flip their mind back and forth. They love you or hate you. My SO one moment wants to be together forever and the next hates me and doesn't want to be together. We break up and a day or so later when he's cool down apologized. I realize most of the time he doesn't mean what he's yelling at me but I feel really drained from it. I'm now to the point when he leaves I say "okay, bye." I've told him if he doesn't want to stay or is unhappy he can go. But I'm really tired of being broken up with, real or not. It's exhausting. I think I'm just done, I don't want to deal with it anymore. A part of me really loves him but another part just can't see myself getting invested into someone who keeps hurting me. There's this never ending pattern of him breaking up when he feels like his back is to the ropes but not meaning it only using it as a way to avoid actually talking about something.

He asked me this week to choose my friends or him. I asked him if I chose them could he at least be civil towards them. Instead of answering he diverted the topic. My friends are also my coworkers and more importantly one is my boss. During a drunk, very unhealthy period he was cruel to one of them and never apologized. I'm not asking him to be friends with her just wave if she waves at him. But, he wanted to argue instead. Which then turned into "I'm done, I hate you" I'm so very tired. I'm feeling very done and over with it as well.

Off and on, off and on.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

It really is exhausting that patern, I've had it with my GF for a couple of years. We are now living together and we are raising her two kids. So she says she will leave, and that we are done (or "we suck", or "we are toxic for each other"... .) but before plans can be made, she's rational again.

I think there is a difference in gender. Maybe I'm wrong, but I see males with BPD les flexible, and more agressive, so it feels from your stories, that it is really difficult to get into their heads past their anger of the moment.

Any updates? I hope you are feeling better, and that you find a way to take care of yourself.

[pearlsw]

I've been dealing with this pattern for 6.5 years. It broke me. Completely. I had just come through a rough patch and was lulled into thinking it was going to be "normal" for awhile. It was the longest stretch of "normal" I'd had in the last 10 months. The last month or so was absolutely great. I thought he would be able to be this way "forever". But didn't give him sex when he demanded it, he felt hurt, then his stress picked up over the rest of the day and boom. Even having sex the next day did not help. His emotions were out of balance again. I have been paying the price for this going on 5 days now. He has threatened me with everything he can think of, divorce, going after my relatives, everyone I know, etc., etc. I have a bad feeling this black phase will go on for another week or so, until his kids go. With them here there is no chance to reconcile, to soothe him and calm him. He is using them to fill up his "emptiness" instead of me so I can be tossed in the garbage for now. Unfortunately, in the mean time, what about my life? Are we together or not? Do I live here or not? What do I do? He is turning all his family against me. They totally fail to recognize his issues. Sigh.

I don't know what I can say other than I hope you are doing okay. I hope you find peace with the decisions you are having to make. It is not any easy choice to make. I've lost some friends who can't understand why I am still with him. I am with him because I feel I understand that this is a serious issue and I want to be a good force in his life. I do not want to change him, just support him and share life in a nice way. This board is helping me feel less lonely and scared. It helps me make sense of things and have a reality I can relate to instead of what my daily life is currently like. I want to find any small amount of joy in every single day. Life is a gift and I don't want to waste it.