How to deal with the guilt and shame of lashing out?

[roberto516]

So it's been a rough day or two of post acute withdrawal stuff and the emotions are all over the place. I think this definitely stems from my previous post about knowing a coworker went down the shore with her. I think that combined with the fact that again I have to confront that this is really truly over which is something I am struggling with.

Right now the thoughts are on how I acted after the relationship ended. I said so many mean, insulting, hurtful things to her. I know it's my core wound of rejection that has kicked all of this up. I just read so many things here about people's exe's being the ones who spew forth verbal abuse and mean things. And yet here I am being the one who did that. During the relationship I never uttered a bad word about her. It all changed after the relationship ended and I saw that she had moved on so easily. Then the recycle which I knew was going to end the way it did which just caused it all to come back. Then the mini conversations where I allowed myself to be used for emotional support for her to back off again which caused even more anger and insults.

I see people here who just handled being left so civilly and without anything said to their exe's. She really does seem like the sane one. I left for two weeks to regroup, she thought about the relationship and decided she didn't want it, she changed her mind and we tried again only for it to end again. Only once did she really insult me and that was before the recycle when she thought I was with another girl and that was when she got really angry at me. But she seems to be so clear headed now. I naturally begin to question just who was the mentally unwell person in the relationship.

Just spewing out my thoughts. I know it will all go away, I know where it all stems from. I know it's just sadness, guilt, grief, and even some loneliness which is all coming from my trouble to look at the facts and accept that it is truly and absolutely over.

[Idsrvt2]

Hello there again!  Thank you for posting this. While reading the boards this morning I had the same thoughts .

The 2nd breakup of sorts I lashed out at him as well via text ... he allowed it said I was just venting my hurt .

The final breakup was ugly ... like you said your x never said a bad thing , either did mine.  I unleashed some very mean words, even implying he was a rapist ... it was so bad he said to me after all I told him of what other people have done to him then I go and I'm doing it to... .then he triggered me by once again saying his sister was right and she always said I would hurt him.  
Even while lashing at him though, I nicely reached out to his mother to let her know he was suicidal.  

I'm struggling with this as well, however I think we need to look at what the push pull does to a person.  Our xs may not have verbally said nasty things to us, but the whole push Pull in itself is abuse.   Mine was classic for giving me rope to hang myself , I often wonder if he was just waiting for enough texts to get the retraining order... as he would often ignore me And then resurface a day or two later .  Only one time did he block my texts he felt were harsh (the kicker being those texts were not harsh but I was blocked )
We were a yo yo and eventually are string became all tangled... we couldn't take the abuse and snapped.
My counselor said something to me that makes sense we are responsible for 50% , but not all of what was going on.  

I'm sorry you are struggling. You're not alone and I'm dealing with very similar aspects.
Tomorrow I will see him again or just know he's walking these streets and wish I could just talk and make peace.

[roberto516]

Thanks for the reply. I went to a site I had saved a while ago about signs your partner is controlling and it knocked sense back into me. It was a very subtle controlling relationship and i just kept pouring love in whenevet she was down or whenever i thought i had upset her (though now i see i was being gaslighted) but after all that its true. She didn't deserve the words and the verbal abuse. She deserved compassion and understanding despite what happened. She is a human being at the end of the day and someone I loved woth my whole being. My words hurt her deeply just like her mom and her past exes. But I'm a human too.

Like my therapist said, "you were like a cornered dog for so long and you finally lashed oUT amd defended yourself."

I know your situation is tough as well. Just keep sharing and writing here.

[Idsrvt2]

My councilor brought out the abuse wheel st our first meeting. It wasn't a session yet... and I sat there stunned.  There it all was in a circle for me to see... but yet my mind still can't grasp it for what it was. 

My x didn't deserve the abuse either or the amount of texts I sent... I was in PMS and dealing with a lot, but still I needed to control myself.  When I finally stopped texting, he replied with the fact he was getting the RO and then later , just hours later wanted to go in peace.  What I didn't realize is he probably was waiting for one more text from me , or his fear of me getting one on him.  I don't know why he didn't try again to call me   It was the infamous .i will let you be and I'm sorry that you hurt.  Even in court he tried it again .  My x basically used his job to knock on my door during the day, text me etc.  some of it was nice, other times he would dump me while working.  I'm spinning again, much like you are.
I know your situation isn't easy either, with the mutual friends, Snapchat and such .  It's like they let us go, but can't really let us go . Sound like you may be where I am at too.that we are so used to the recycle , that our minds have been programmed to wait for it that we have a difficult time detaching .
I wish I had answers

[roberto516]

Well I was only recycled once. I can't speak for you, bUT it sounds similar, maybe we are struggling to both admit to ourselves it's truly over. I know deep down thats what is happening for me mixed with the brief periods of "what if". Today was the 3rd time maybe in a month I've had it rough emotionally

It's also tough in our situation bevause they are always around in some sense. For you it's physical. For me it's that she is friends with 2 of my coworkers and the place she works at now is our competition so everyone keeps talking about that company.

Wit my first BPD trait ex it was easier. I just got rid of her contact info and any of her friends on Facebook and that was it. She truly became out of sight out of mind. Pending me moving to a new job or state I'm gonna have a constant reminder in some sense.

I'll have to Google the abuse wheel and see what it's all about.

[insideoutside]

I have shame and guilt over the hurtful things I also said in anger.  I was so sick of the push/pull and the silent treatment when it suited my friend that when he told me he couldn't meet up for the umpteenth time I just lost it.  I said incredibly mean things directed to really hurt him and I had told him prior that if he let me down again that would be it; so I kept to my word and gave it to him with both barrels.

I do feel bad now for the things I said; I'm a genuinely nice person but he pushed my emotions too far and my head went.  I think after 18 months of push/pull it was justified to some degree.  I know it was me lashing out due to my wounded core and fears of rejection which I tried to suppress each time he hurt me or let me down but the last time a huge tsunami of emotions hit me and out it all came.

He told me that I'm a nasty and abusive person just because 'I didn't get my own way'... .he failed to see this was after utter frustration built up over 18 months of messing with my head.  But yeah, if that makes him feel better about his actions then so be it.

Try not to beat yourself up Roberto; these are hugely challenging relationships that test our resolve.

[marti644]

Try not to beat yourself up Roberto; these are hugely challenging relationships that test our resolve.

This is a great sentiment. Don't beat yourself up Roberto!

For me its been a hard pill to swallow that I acted in a way that was both disrespectful and clearly (in its own way) a signal that I was not up to a healthy relationship. I cringe now thinking if I was with  healthier partner their reaction to my behaviours. My-ex was right to leave me for that behaviour, regardless of her flaws. Taking ownership has been very important to my process.

 And I mean full ownership, not saying "I did xyz... .BUT she did xyz so this justifies it. Just saying (out loud at times) that I "did this" and leaving it at that has been rewarding. It's hard to be this honest and is taking alot of practice. I try to avoid percentages too, I don't see the point of playing a pedantic game of math quest to show that one of the balances is higher than the other. They were just mistakes, plain and simple.

Letting go of our own mistakes is as well, once we have acknowledged them and been honest with ourselves. It's a balance  There is a time in the detaching process to let it go and accept what happened and in my case, I hope I have learned some lessons! 

Roberto how will you change in your next relationship to make sure you don't explode like you did at the end of your last one?

I have been thinking alot about how to deal with conflict and reducing my anxiety levels in my next relationship, which I want to work better for both parties!

marti

[roberto516]

I do feel bad now for the things I said; I'm a genuinely nice person but he pushed my emotions too far and my head went.  I think after 18 months of push/pull it was justified to some degree.  I know it was me lashing out due to my wounded core and fears of rejection which I tried to suppress each time he hurt me or let me down but the last time a huge tsunami of emotions hit me and out it all came.

Thanks. I really relate to this. During the actual relationship I didn't go overboard with my words. Never a direct insult, shaming or any of that. I'd be angry and try to talk about how I felt but I'm sure it was interpreted as an attack (sometimes it probably was as my frustration built and I only began to try and talk when I was finally at wits end). But each time I felt that she really didn't care about me or my emotions I would turn inward, see my mistake, let her know where I went wrong, and then suppress how I felt that the thing I was upset about wasn't even acknowledged, talked about or resolved. I'd still be upset but I would have to bury it and make amends to her and just "forget it" or else our relationship couldn't continue. Well when it happened again and she didn't come back I think it was the volcano exploding. Yours was 18 months and mine was about 16 months. A very long time to stay in one's head without an outlet. And yes, it was all certainly spurred on by the fear of rejection and wounded core. If it wasn't there I would have said "Alright, well thanks for everything." and walked away when she said she was done, with a realization that I deserved much more.

An interesting thing I remember is when I did first rage at her when I felt dismissed before it was truly over I told her "I'm doing this so that you hate me enough that you never come back." I think I knew that if she didn't end up despising me she would come back and I was so emotionally weak to her (still am probably) that I would have kept coming back to her. And she still did a few times and I would get angry with the push-pull. There's always truth with anger the problem is that it is usually projected more out than in.

[insideoutside]

An interesting thing I remember is when I did first rage at her when I felt dismissed before it was truly over I told her "I'm doing this so that you hate me enough that you never come back." I think I knew that if she didn't end up despising me she would come back and I was so emotionally weak to her (still am probably) that I would have kept coming back to her. And she still did a few times and I would get angry with the push-pull. There's always truth with anger the problem is that it is usually projected more out than in.

Same!  When I gave him both barrels I done it with the sole intention to hurt him immensely to the point that he would hate me passionately and never contact me again because as far as I was concerned I was done with him and trying to be his friend and prove that I was worthy.  4 months down the road now that the anger and hurt have dissipated, I do feel guilty and I got the outcome I wanted which was he hasn't contacted me and has changed his phone number to make sure I also cannot contact him.  I guess a blessing really as I was emotionally worn out, but it smarts a bit to know that what I thought was a fairly good friendship was totally obliterated after a tirade of angry texts.  

We live and learn.

[vanx]

you are not alone. i have my regrets too and i lashed out some in the end. one thing i tell myself is yes, i would like better composure and to not lose my temper, but i would also like room to make mistakes and be able to apologize and reconcile. i would give the same to someone else. even in relationships that went well for me, i have some regrets about behavior. it's the conplete rejection from the other person that makes it seem like oh no i am a total jerk and drove her away. you are not alone

[Skip]

I have to confront that this is really truly over which is something I am struggling with.

A classic case of No Contact doesn't equal Detachment.

I think you are circling around to the real issue here... .letting go of the hope of a reconciliation. Recognizing that this is driving a lot of feelings, should help you manage it a bit.

These are hard questions, but it might help to give them a go.

1. Did you blowup the relationship?
2. Did you expect a different outcome from doing that?
3. Do you wish you would have acted differently?
4. Do you wonder if your can mend this?
5. Do you want that?

1. Has the relationship been broken for a while?
2. Was the ending, however messy, inevitable one way or another?
3. Is it the rejection (feelings of abandonment) that are hardest to deal with know.
4. Is reconciling you intellectual sense that you are better off, with the natural wounding of being rejected, a conflict you face and must reconcile to have peace?

[roberto516]

A classic case of No Contact doesn't equal Detachment.

I think you are circling around to the real issue here... .letting go of the hope of a reconciliation. Recognizing that this is driving a lot of feelings, should help you manage it a bit.

These are hard questions, but it might help to give them a go.

1. Did you blowup the relationship?
2. Did you expect a different outcome from doing that?
3. Do you wish you would have acted differently?
4. Do you wonder if your can mend this?
5. Do you want that?

1. Has the relationship been broken for a while?
2. Was the ending, however messy, inevitable one way or another?
3. Is it the rejection (feelings of abandonment) that are hardest to deal with know.
4. Is reconciling you intellectual sense that you are better off, with the natural wounding of being rejected, a conflict you face and must reconcile to have peace?

Yeah I'm fully aware that the letting go is the real hurdle here. But it's the hard one so I will take 3 steps forward one day and 5 back on another. The natural ebbs and flows of healing I assume. To answer your questions.

1. I would say I finally lit the fuse to blow it up if that makes sense. But both of us were piling dynamite into the pile for quite a while. Honestly, her pattern (in her mind) has always been that her partners leave her which I guess reinforces the self-sabotaging belief that "no one will ever want to be with me." She had pushed me away for quite a while as I tried to keep making it work through behavior changes. However, my anger that I didn't see her making any real effort continued to surface. Now I know she wasn't capable at this point in her life to do that anyway.

2. I did. I thought that if I finally left and let her know that I was not playing around anymore about how hurt I was she would see that we both had to put the work in. What usually happened is we would argue, she'd suggest taking a break for a week or so from physically being around one another, and then we would come back as if nothing happened with me still providing the caregiving and looking to myself to try and be a better partner. When I did blow up when she said it was over I think the initial rage and anger was, as I said, my primal urge to defend myself and get her as far away from me as possible because the abadonment wound had just been opened up again. Almost like a wounded lion that is still lunging and attacking for self-protection.

3. Of course I do. A part of me wishes I acted differently because maybe we could have come together in a civil way and discussed actually doing therapy/learning how to communicate. She even said she needed time to work on herself and I didn't want to accept that. Also, a part of me wishes I acted differently so that if it ended anyway she wouldn't have a leg to stand on to say "He treated me bad." I honestly treated her very very well up until the breakup. And as my therapist said "The odds of you giving her space and time would have most likely resulted, based on your pattern together, of reconciling with you once again putting the effort in. Her giving up on couples therapy should have been the sign for you that this pattern would have never been broken."

4. It's not able to be mended. Not a chance in the world. Too much time has gone by. She cares very much what other people think and everyone in our circles is aware that it is over. And also, she will look for her new perfect match now. And she holds onto resentments like they are oxygen she needs to live. Even during the recycle and reach outs she was always cautious because of that.

5. No. Deep down I do not. Enough time has gone by to know that it's officially over for me as well. I could never trust her again. I could never be with her again based off the fact that I would always be cautious around her to risk upsetting her to the point she would leave me again. It's what happened during the recycle. I didn't want to upset her at all so I went right back into caretaker role so that I could prove to her I would never leave her. So odd, you'd think it would be the reverse with her proving to me that she would never hurt me again. Whatever, that's not a way to live regardless. And I deserve better in my life on top of all of that.

1. I wouldn't say the relationship was broken near the end. I brought up with her that I felt we were growing apart a couple weeks after my grandpops death. We did both discuss ways to improve it. I dove right in to do what I could do to. She didn't really. I hate to admit it but that's the truth. When my grandpop died the roles were reversed. I couldn't be caretaker during that grieving process. I asked her to support me and even told her if there's too much going on with you (which is okay) i would like to go back home to be around family to kinda regroup and process my grief in a more comfortable environment. She promised to support me but wasn't emotionally able to do that. I think that was the catalyst. After I got through the grief I wanted to work on us and was working on the things she said she needed from me. I hate to say it, but if my grandpop had died 3 months into our relationship it would have ended then. If he had passed away, or anyone close to me, 5 years from now that's when we would have ended. It was built on a foundation of me supplying the love and care to her and it was dead to rights whenever I would have needed some help emotionally to the point that I couldn't be caretaker for her in a time span greater than about 48 hours. That was the stress test you could say.

2. Per the previous answer. I do believe the end was inevitable the second I couldn't be caretaker to her needs above my own. It was our whole foundation. That opened my eyes to the person I always thought she was and then I saw it firsthand. It was then I realized she wasn't ever going to be right for me.  

3. The feelings of rejections are hard but the real issue is the fact that the outward feeling of rejection is just an inward "ass kicking" of how I could be so foolish. As you may already know. This wasn't the first relationship I had with a cluster B personality traited person. So to feel that I was fully capable of "spotting it" and staying away only to see that I had reservations but didn't listen to them is difficult. But yes, as I've learned about myself, I spent my whole childhood keeping the family structure together by sacrificing and making others in the family happy that when it doesn't work there is a deep wound which is reopened.

4. Absolutely. I have gotten to the route of why all this hurts so much and all that I typed is stuff I am fully aware of. It's the acceptance which is difficult right now. Will it give me peace to accept it? Yeah. But I won't rush it. "The only way out is through."

It's the real issue that's at hand. At times though, especially reading post after post of people being the victim of verbal insults by their partners, it feels good and comforting to know that other people did the same things. Helps to not feel like I'm on an island with my situation. Like going to NA and being too ashamed to admit stealing money and jewelry from loved ones only to hear other people say "Oh yeah. Been there done that and look at me now! Life is alright." I guess that was the subconscious thing I was striving for from this post.