Going back to court for custody change- please help

[msphotog]

Hello, new here.

My ex husband is undiagnosed BPD. He is also an alcoholic. He was sober for about 4 years. Around 2 months ago he started drinking again, and as I knew would happen, has begun a downward spiral.

Our kids are 6 & 9. They go to his house on Wednesdays and every other weekend. There's history of emotional abuse from the ex toward my 9 year old son. He cries and begs not to see his dad. Now the ex is drinking more and more. My 6 year old told me last night that her dad was sobbing and drunk and that she spent the night trying to console him. Last week the ex came to watch my daughter's karate practice and showed up totally tanked.  There are so many incidents like this and I know it's going to get worse.

I have put the thought of buying a house on hold to instead hire a lawyer. My son saw a therapist last month, but didn't want to go back, as he hates talking to people. But I know I can convince him to keep going if it means it will help him not to have to see his dad as much in the future.

I guess I"m looking for advice, validation, I don't know. This is such a precarious process. I know that alcohol abuse and emotional abuse are hard to prove.

Thank you for any help you may have <3

[Panda39]

Hi msphotog,

I agree this situation does not sound good for your kids.

Have you consulted with or hired an attorney?  You should probably find out what your options are from them but at the very least I would think you could request random alcohol testing. 

Did you happen to capture any video of him at the karate practice? Did you have any witnesses to his behavior that would corroborate what you saw? Start documenting these events, write down when and what your daughter told you. Document as much as you can.

And yes keep your son going to the Therapist!

Panda39

[msphotog]

Thank you so much for your response.

I'm going to hire an attorney soon. I met with a few, a few months ago, but I've really hesitated with going ahead with this. You know how it is with fear of outbursts, etc, and wanting to keep the peace. But now with him drinking again, I just can't. The lawyer I want to hire has a retainer of $1700 plus monthly payments. I don't have that kind of cash laying around.

Hi msphotog,

I agree this situation does not sound good for your kids.

Have you consulted with or hired an attorney?  You should probably find out what your options are from them but at the very least I would think you could request random alcohol testing. 

Did you happen to capture any video of him at the karate practice? Did you have any witnesses to his behavior that would corroborate what you saw? Start documenting these events, write down when and what your daughter told you. Document as much as you can.

And yes keep your son going to the Therapist!

Panda39

[takingandsending]

Hi msphotog. 

I agree with Panda that consulting with an attorney would be best, and you want to find one who has experience with custody involving a spouse with BPD, NPD and substance abuse. In the end, you are doing the right thing trying to protect the well being of your children to the extent possible. Your attorney may suggest a CE or other tests of your xh's emotional health be proposed and to move his visits to supervised unless/until he can right his ship.

Also, have you looked around for any other child counselors for your son? Again, having a counselor that has experience working with children of BPD parents would be best, and at his age, he shouldn't be talking so much as doing play therapy to help draw him out. My S11 sees a T, and it seems they mostly play board games, work on Legos, do stuff my son likes, but the T works in questions as they interact together.

I completely understand your feeling on the money. It is crazy how much the attorneys and specialists cost, but our kids need us to support them as best we can. I hope you and your family can find some peace. It is so hard to be in this situation. Really feeling for your children and you. 

[bunny4523]

Sometimes attorneys are not the best recourse.  Police reports/child protective services will fight for you.  If he is at Karate tanked and has to drive... .
If there is an incident worthy of child protective services.  I don't know where you live but in my state... .Attorneys are best at making money and delaying things.

My ex (not BPD) put his hands on my son ONCE and I reported it.  Child protective services came out and their report was all I needed.  My ex signed the parenting agreement which stated my son did not have to stay with or visit his father if he didn't want to or didn't feel safe.  It was at our discretion and they did recommend that I go to court to make it official.  I didn't end up needing to do that. 

Bunny

[msphotog]

Thank you so much for the responses.

I find it so hard to know when it's appropriate to call cps. I've spoken with my son and he's agreed to go back to the therapist. Until I can go back to court, I'm documenting everything possible. What would be really great is for him to get caught drinking and driving.

Thanks again for the replies <3

[david]

Does he pick the kids up for his custodial time. If so and he appears drunk then you need to call the police right then and there. Anytime he is drunk when the kids are around call the police. Get a police report for each incident.
"and they did recommend that I go to court to make it official. I didn't end up needing to do that". Why ?
You may be able to get legal aid to help you and do this by yourself. You can have the courts require ex to get tested or supervised visitation until he can show he stopped drinking. Maybe even required therapy or something similar.
Having several police reports would go a long way in court.

[msphotog]

Thank you!

My mother has a restraining order against him. Since that happened, he refuses to come to my house to pick them up, so I drop them off to him. Which is fine by me, I don't want him at my place. This is really helpful. What do I tell the police?

Does he pick the kids up for his custodial time. If so and he appears drunk then you need to call the police right then and there. Anytime he is drunk when the kids are around call the police. Get a police report for each incident.
"and they did recommend that I go to court to make it official. I didn't end up needing to do that". Why ?
You may be able to get legal aid to help you and do this by yourself. You can have the courts require ex to get tested or supervised visitation until he can show he stopped drinking. Maybe even required therapy or something similar.
Having several police reports would go a long way in court.

[david]

Several ideas pop into my mind.
You may want to go to the police headquarters and tell them your situation. Pretty much everything you said on this post. They can't really do anything without cause but you will go on record of your concern.
If you go to drop the kids off and you suspect he has been drinking you can take the kids home with you. It will be up to him to call the police. If that happens they will probably contact you and tell them your side. Technically the police will not get involved in child custody. That is a civil matter and has to be addressed in court. Again, ex would have to initiate that. Make sure you get the police report for every incident.
You could also call the police when you are there, if you are sure he is drunk, and have the police come as a witness. That police report would be extremely helpful in court.
This all depends on whether or not he would get violent.
You could bring another adult with you as a witness and for help.
I had an incident which ex was in my driveway demanding I hand over her children. I had just returned from taking them to the movies. I got back in my car and drove away. I came back and she was still in the driveway so I went to the police. They called her. I could see from the officers reaction that he was getting a good idea what was going on. He told me to make sure my ducks were all in a row and to go back home. I told him if she was still in the driveway I would be coming back for a police escort. As I was leaving the parking lot I saw ex driving to the police. I went home and got the boys in bed since they had school the next day.
I also has an incident where the school; nurse called to say our one son was vomiting. It was ex's custodial time. The nurse said she called several times and left a message on her phone but she didn't call back. I picked him up and got him in bed. I emailed ex to let her know what happened and that he had a fever, chills, and was nauseous. She replied demanding that I drive him to her place since it was her custodial time. I repeated my message exactly. I received a call from the police a few hours later. I explained the situation and the officer completely understood. He asked me to reach out to ex again so I sent another email explaining that the police called and telling her what transpired.
I only communicate through email so I have a record of exactly what was said. I expect that some day a judge may be reading the emails and reply accordingly. Just facts.
If you have a record of ex being drunk at drop off times I am fairly certain you can go to court and have supervised visitation only.
I have a friend that had that situation and the child's mom came to the supervised visitation stoned. They refused her access to the child. After 6 months and multiple times mom lost all custody and rights to the child. The judge even stated that if she came to the house that he was to call the police and she would be arrested.

[david]

Others may have ideas too. This site is a great help for these things. Always keep in mind the best interests of the children.
You can ask the court to impose certain restrictions (supervised visits at a court ordered location and supervisor) and consequences for failure to follow the order. You can also ask the courts to have ex go to some kind of therapy for alcoholism/substance abuse. Failure to follow the order should restrict access to the children for their safety.

[ForeverDad]

Several ideas pop into my mind.
You may want to go to the police headquarters and tell them your situation. Pretty much everything you said on this post. They can't really do anything without cause but you will go on record of your concern.
If you go to drop the kids off and you suspect he has been drinking you can take the kids home with you. It will be up to him to call the police. If that happens they will probably contact you and tell them your side. Technically the police will not get involved in child custody. That is a civil matter and has to be addressed in court. Again, ex would have to initiate that. Make sure you get the police report for every incident.
You could also call the police when you are there, if you are sure he is drunk, and have the police come as a witness. That police report would be extremely helpful in court.
This all depends on whether or not he would get violent.
You could bring another adult with you as a witness and for help.

I agree with david on this approach.  When the police got involved, they consistently just wanted to resolve the immediate incident.  They did not enforce the order, though they often tried to pressure us to follow it.  Their parting advice was always, "Fix it in court."