Her social media profile picture

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know I shouldn't look.  It's been about a year since I broke up with her because we were going nowhere... .she immediately split me black and cut me off. She has a history of on/off relationships... .and has made no effort to reach out to me, not even once.  Silent treatment is her M.O.

As far as I know, she isn't in a relationship... .but I was absent from her social media for the last three years we were "together".  I later found out she was meeting guys through facebook... .but she insisted they were just friends "that wanted sex"

Anyways, she doesn't change her FB profile pic very often... .but she recently changed it to a picture of her from five years ago when we did our engagement shoot... .It's just a picture of her, that I took.  She also made public a bunch a bunch of pics from 3-5 years ago that I took of her as well... .while we out on some kind of adventure.  One of the pics, I had as my cover photo for the longest time... .it was one of my favorite of her.

Anyways, I just don't get how these people think.  She's got narcissist traits, very much so.  She's always taking pictures of herself... .why would she use pictures that I'm associated with? I know they are able to easily detach... .and I'm sure she just thinks they are pictures where she looks good... .so many from the duration of our relationship?

I don't get it.  

[Huh?]

I know I shouldn't look.  It's been about a year since I broke up with her because we were going nowhere... .she immediately split me black and cut me off. She has a history of on/off relationships... .and has made no effort to reach out to me, not even once.  Silent treatment is her M.O.

As far as I know, she isn't in a relationship... .but I was absent from her social media for the last three years we were "together".  I later found out she was meeting guys through facebook... .but she insisted they were just friends "that wanted sex"

Anyways, she doesn't change her FB profile pic very often... .but she recently changed it to a picture of her from five years ago when we did our engagement shoot... .It's just a picture of her, that I took.  She also made public a bunch a bunch of pics from 3-5 years ago that I took of her as well... .while we out on some kind of adventure.  One of the pics, I had as my cover photo for the longest time... .it was one of my favorite of her.

Anyways, I just don't get how these people think.  She's got narcissist traits, very much so.  She's always taking pictures of herself... .why would she use pictures that I'm associated with? I know they are able to easily detach... .and I'm sure she just thinks they are pictures where she looks good... .so many from the duration of our relationship?

I don't get it.  

[marti644]

Hi Huh?

This is tough and must trigger alot of memories for you. Sorry, being triggered feels terrible. It happens to me too and it brings me low for a time.

Obviously, don't look! It's not healthy for you, and you know it because it triggered you! (just saying because I almost look every few weeks, I actually cluck at myself like a chicken, the ridiculousness my own reaction to becoming poultry helps avoid the situation).

I think your last line is key here "I don't get it".

Honestly it doesn't make sense in my opinion so I wouldn't put much stock into trying to understand her actions. If her actions in your relationship didn't make much sense why would they now? I try to depersonalize my BPD-exes behaviour and my PD-mom as well. It helps to stay away from the emotional confusion I get myself into. Just a thought.

From what I have learned about BPD and PDs in general, I don't think people who are disordered truly understand most of their actions consciously. Maybe things aren't going well for her, maybe she is remembering the good times, maybe this is her way of healing for herself.

Let's turn the focus back to you. How are you doing, what have you been up to? What have you been doing to move on?

Marti

[Idsrvt2]

They don't think like we do... that's really the bottom line answer. If they thought like we do most of us would still be with them.

My x changed his profile after eight years of never changing it on a site... .he could have posted a private journal entry, but nope... two days after I changed mine he ironically changed his.
For me this was a few days after the last court date for the protection hearing... .so wonderful to see he posted he was rejoining life just needed to get back into shape, my post as you could imagine read much differently.

He has me blocked there, but I have a different account as most do.  Rejoining life after he wouldn't do so with me.  The irony.

Mine still delivers mail, did so when the protection order was in affect, again no logic at  all.

I'm sorry you are triggered, I was just recently triggered too... they just have no attachments to anything at all, so my best guess is with those photos , she feels she looks good in them, probably has no attachment other than that. 

[Herodias]

She must just happen to like those pictures... .My sister took a professional picture of me last year and I tend to like that one (if I use one of myself) better than others. I tend to use my pets or something random, since I think you can never be too careful. My ex posts tons of pictures of his child with the current GF and none of himself or her. I think in his case it gets him the most attention (likes). It may trigger her to contact you and you should be prepared for that, but otherwise... .don't think too much into it. Keep on keeping on... .it is hard not to look. "Facebook" will never show you they are unhappy. I will be interested the day my ex and the current primary source breakup. My gut (and a bit more) tells me that my ex is flirting with his childs daycare baby sitter... .He posted a picture of his child in her lap and the current GF "liked" it. Can you imagine if I am right? He would be so bold. He is getting lots of likes for that one. I think people with personality disorders thrive on attention from Facebook. It is best not to look, but it's fun to know the truth behind the mask. We just can't let it get to us anymore. Most people realize what Facebook really is, but not all. I ran into my exes best man at our wedding recently. He said hello and said gee, I haven't seen you in years. He said he saw my ex had married and had a child with someone else. I said no, he had the child before we were divorced and they are not married. He looked at me shocked. I think he just learned not to base reality on Facebook. You never know what goes on behind the scenes.

[hopealways]

Seems like most people are saying not to analyze what she's doing because it doesn't really mean she's thinking of you. 

I totally disagree.

While it is true that a lot of things the BPD does don't make sense, it is also true that when they do stuff like that they are trying to communicate with you. They are super smart because of heightened survival skills, and every little thing they do is for a reason.

So I am in the camp that she is trying to communicate with you because she has a hunch you may see the photo.

Now, the bigger question is whether you should respond. The answer to that is 100% NO. You would have to start all over if you did, these relationships always end the same.

[Huh?]

Seems like most people are saying not to analyze what she's doing because it doesn't really mean she's thinking of you. 

I totally disagree.

While it is true that a lot of things the BPD does don't make sense, it is also true that when they do stuff like that they are trying to communicate with you. They are super smart because of heightened survival skills, and every little thing they do is for a reason.

So I am in the camp that she is trying to communicate with you because she has a hunch you may see the photo.

Now, the bigger question is whether you should respond. The answer to that is 100% NO. You would have to start all over if you did, these relationships always end the same.

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to respond with your insights. 

She does know I check her FB page, even though we aren't friends.  I told her I did when we broke up for a few months a previous time.  I just think it's weird that she's using five year old pictures when she is a social media attention seeker... .not fb specifically, but other outlets.

I could see the comments from her main profile picture (the one from our engagement) her family told her how beautiful she was, and one member asked her, "where was this picture taken again?"  And I had to laugh, because my first thought was, "yeah, where?... .this outta be good"

Eventually she responded saying just the location. Weird.

As for me, one year on... .yes I miss her... .throught it all.  I have so much resentment and bitterness towards her though... .I couldn't see how I could ever let it go.  Like it was said before above... .she won't change... .she's incapable of commitment due to her childhood trauma from her parents divorce.  She would just keep stringing me along again, like I let her do for 2 1/2 years while I "proved" myself.

I haven't dated... .nobody compares to her.  I did meet a girl at a bar, a few months ago but that didn't go anywhere (Duh)... .but it was nice to be touched by a woman as my ex took that away from our relationship for the last two years.

My professional life has taken off in ways I never expected in recent months too... .I was in probabaly the darkest depression Id ever been in for about 8 months... .it was so bad I actually wore out my matress and had to get a new one... .I almost lost everything.  But then all of a sudden, opportunity after opportunity started snowballing in my life... .so the last four months have been incredible... .and I have my dream job and all these new opportunities.

Still though, I miss her.  I'm sad that we could have had an awesome life together... .I feel sorry for her.  Eventually, she'll probabaly marry... .but I don't think it will last... .unless the guy is a total saint and glutton for punishment... .shoot, I was the latter for sure until I learned to let go. 

Although, I guess I completely Havent... .because I still hold on to hope... .hope that she will realize what we had and that it doesn't come around that easily... .but then I'm me, and she's she.  We don't think the same.   It's hard to accept.

Thanks again. 

[Skip]

I just don't get how these people think.  She's got narcissist traits, very much so.  She's always taking pictures of herself... .why would she use pictures that I'm associated with?

Huh?, look on Match.com some day. You can tell that many people have photos taken by exes.

Why did 39 million people do this?

Is it subliminal messaging to the photographer or other people present at the time of the photo or is it just about the photo and what it says about the subject?

I think most of us can say that some of our best photos were taken by our partners - they take a lot of photos, we traveled to cool places, etc.

The most likely interpretation is that that relationship emotion attached to the photos has dissipated, and now they are just good photos that project an image that she wants to project.

This is not a "BPD" thing - this is a human nature thing.

... .it is also true that when they do stuff like that they are trying to communicate with you. They are super smart because of heightened survival skills, and every little thing they do is for a reason... .Now, the bigger question is whether you should respond.

How does one respond to this? "Hey I was stalking your Facebook page after you unfriended me and went completely silent for a year and I saw that you added some photos from when we were dating, to reach out to me, so here I am. What's up?

That note might result in feelings of being violated and a threat of a restraining order... .

There is no reasonable response... .

because I still hold on to hope... .hope that she will realize what we had and that it doesn't come around that easily... .

As far as I know, she isn't in a relationship... .

I think it will be helpful to realize that this, more than anything, this (above two statements) is what driving your reaction. (1) You still have hope. (2) She appears to still be available. In that hope, you are wondering if the photos are a sign of her rethinking what happened and embracing fond memories of the relationship.

This is what you need to face, Huh?  It's a year later. You still have hope. Do you want to send a feeler out?

What is the likelihood it would connect? Low. It could be painful. But even at that, do you need to do this to either know or have closure? Is now the time, or should you wait for the holiday season and use that for "cover".

Very hard questions, I know.