In a relationship with a BPD partner for 4 years

[Saje]

Hi,

I have been in a high conflict relationship with a BPD partner for 4 years. We live in Europe and I am really grateful for this platform since I haven't found a similar one in our country.
My partner has not been diagnosed with BPD by a specialist. It was assumed by a member of a community group where I was posting and describing the behavioral patterns of my partner. As soon as I began reading about the illness I recognized all of the stigma in my partner. The truth is, I have been taking over the role of the rescuer, trying to give everything to understand and be there for my partner but it wasn't very helpful. My energy has really come to it's limit and sometimes I don't really know in which directions my feelings are changing.
I would kindly seek advice and support in terms of if a relationship with a BPD partner is possible and what requires to be done by side and what by his.

Many thanks in advance.

Saje

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, and

I also live in Europe and your situation is very familiar. There is hope. Things don't change from horrible to perfect, but it really feels great when you can say you have stopped making things worse, and things get a bit better here and there. It's a new world where every improvement you have to earn it with patience, love, empathy, and also knowledge and practice. But you know that about things not being valued if they cost nothing, this pays.

We carry some momentum from doing things in a particular way, and the effort is to change your view and not act in auto-pilot. Just that. There is a lot to learn and try, but don't be scared (I was at the beginning), the fact that there is a lot to learn still, means that there are still things to try that could make everything better. Every peace of knowledge is a path that is not closed. And we have felt in a dead end many times.

It is perfectly normal that you don't know how you feel, and you don't even know how you want to feel. We've all been there. Asking for help and showing interest is an important step. Here you're gonna find a lot of ears that have lived through the same things that you have, and many that have lived what you haven't already experienced. So you can write and be understood, and also get advice that sometimes saves the day for you.

It is posible. Here there are people who have been married for decades. And we often come here when things are rough. There will be many couples that don't get too desperate, and they have "run of the mill" problems, and they don't need much help. After all BPD is suffered by 1-3% of the population, I ride the subway, and think " at least 3-5 people on this train must have BPD", and life goes on. I hear many stories of people who had decades of being stable and loving. 

Once you start redirecting your energy, you'll see you, not only him, are going to feel much better. You won't be feeling that energy goes to waste. Take some minutes a day to start reading the basic tools at the right of this website. And please, keep sharing.

Best of luck!