Help me identify if my partner has BPD

[Mark S]

Hello everyone,

Can you please identify for me if my current partner had BPD. Here's my story.

I am once divorced man whose previous wife decided to end our marriage because she felt she was earning more and I was not a man enough for that reason. She admitted that I was an excellent father but she thought she could manage on her own, so she ended the marriage. Prior to the divorce we had never have any arguments, scandals or even any slight disagreements. The news was completely out of the blue for me and for everyone else. But she is not the woman I need an advice for. I mention it to make the distinction between the two relationship and to ensure you that I am not the person who seeks conflicts.

I am currently in a relationship with another woman who is ten years younger than me. We are not married officially but have two children, two girls. We've been together for ten years. Since the very beginning and up until now we've had constant arguments. As well as physically abusive she is verbally very abusive too and the things she says sometime are quite extraordinary.

Even when we go on holidays she would always find a way to spoil it with a big argument. She even told me once that she can not bear having a good time as it makes her very sad when it ends, so she tries to spoil it before hand. She usually rages a lot and gets very very aggressive although I am maybe twice her size she tries to pick up a physical fight with me. I usually try to restrain myself but sometimes I get very angry too. Usually I take all the punches. Once we were on holiday, we had an argument in the car and she was punching me in the head from behind while I was driving on the high speed motorway without thinking that she endangers everyone's lives including her own.

On two another occasions at home, she was trying to attack me (or scare me) with a knife. On the second occasion, I called the police to calm her down but they arrested me as she found some bruises on her hips and accused me of pushing her against the furniture. The police locked me for a day and released with a caution as I was advised by the lawyer to take the blame if I did not want further complications. When I asked why she accused me, she said: What do you expect, to take the small woman instead of you? I got scared they would lock me in."

She always insisted that she does not want to go on holiday with me or with the kids as she can not rest when she takes her job with her while on holiday. So last week I came back from a holiday with the kids but without her. We had a great time and I looked after the kids - cooked for them, bathe them, etc. Our hosts even remarked that I was doing great as a single father. They did not know.

So I told my partner that she's quite dishonest when she claims the kids are too much work to relax on holiday and she went absolutely mad. She picked up my keys and threw them at me. She hit me right between the eyes and it could have been a very serious injury had she hit one of my eyes. She could have blinded me. On top of that, she broke the car alarm remote which costed me a lot to repair afterwards. When I told her: "Look what you have done!" She replied with the usual: "You did it to yourself". Then she shouted at me that she wants me to leave the house and if I don't she would call the police and since I already have a record with them I would be in big trouble. She also said that she could accuse me of sexually abusing the kids. As I detoxify occasionally with coffee enemas, one of the kids asked if she could have one. I said yes, that's fine but my partner want absolutely mad saying: "How could you stick things inside the child's anus.". I said it was quite normal as normal as you bathe your children but it was the start of another war. Few minutes later she told me she wanted a third child with me. Go figure.

She comes from a very troubled family background with her father being unknown and her mother being highly promiscuous. She also told me that she was sexually attacked twice by other men but never really raped. She has never threatened me that she would commit a suicide or anything like but she would accuse me of potentially giving her a cancer. The strange thing is that she easily forgets these episodes and we could carry on as if nothing has happened until it starts again.

My own parents had their family arguments when they were younger but are still together and quite happy in their retirement years. My partner had a big argument with them too while they were visiting while she was pregnant with our second child. When my brother was visiting there was another round of fighting and verbal and physical abuse. At present, she seems to be in good terms with them as they speak to her and the kids on skype.

Sexually the relationship is not that great either. She finds it hard to climax and often says that I use her. For that and many other reasons, I have stopped having sex with her for six months now which is not making the things any better or worse. I just don't want sex with her for the sake of sex.

Other people have also told me that she often lacks tact when talking to people and says things that are not quite right.

I know I could just leave but I am pretty sure she will not be able to look after the children on her and she might get abusive to them too.

Apart from all that, she tries to take care of the kids as much as she can although she is not very good at keeping the house clean and tidy. The house never felt cosy like home. She blames me for that. Although last year I spent a fortune trying to refurbish the whole house including building a special studio for her in the garden. She works as a painter from home. Semi-abstract paintings. Before I built the studio she would paint in the house and it was very messy with paint everywhere. She told me that if she wasn't painting for money and for herself only, the themes would be very dark, or something like that I can't remember exactly. She often accuses me that she has to support herself with paintings as I don't earn enough. To which I usually tell her, that all families in this city need double income to survive and she is in fact quite lucky to be able to work from home. Initially I helped to set herself up as a professional painter. I can't remember her thanking me for that though.

That's all I can think of now. It's rather long, hopefully someone will read it all.

Many thanks for your help in advance.

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[pearlsw]

Hi, Sorry to hear about these struggles you are having. I cannot say one way or another based upon this information, but I am no expert. However, there is clearly a lot of dysfunction. The violence is especially worrisome. Have you read much here on the site? Do you feel that learning about BPD (or BPD traits) gives you some insight into what you are experiencing at home with your partner? Do you feel like these workshops here are something that can help you in your interactions?

Sorry to hear about all of your vacations being ruined. My partner manages to do this as well much of the time. You have these great times, and then they are gone in an instant. Funny thing, his mind works in a way that eventually blocks it all out and mostly forgets, mine does not. I remember all this stuff and it is not easy to pick up and go on afterwards, but I do, somehow. But it is not easy. Once he is calm again I am shellshocked.

I know when I read up on this stuff I get a little thrown off at times because he does not met all or even most of the criteria. These are very broad descriptions, and I think this can vary quite a bit in how it is expressed. Reading stories here, supplementing the broad descriptions of BPD with the life stories presented here, is incredibly informative and insightful. Without this site I would NEVER have encountered anyone at all who understands what it is like to be broken up with hundreds of times by one person, and have any affirmation that this is not "normal", but does have some explanation behind it. That really, really messed up my life, messed with my head, these breakups. It wrecked me for awhile because it was so darn confusing and painful. Thank goodness for the people here who share about this, they have given me so much relief. Perhaps you feel some relief here too?  

I have learned here, finally, that while he may not have all or even most of the traits, I do believe he has some of these traits and it is serious nevertheless - whatever we call it. Descriptions of BPD are the only thing I've ever come across that give me any understanding of his extreme black and white thinking, extreme statements, and inability to control his thoughts when he is in a dark phase. (We may never have a definitive diagnosis - healthcare here is too pricey, but now I have more tools and a place to run to [here] when I am scared and alone. And an official diagnosis at this point might upset him more than help currently so I am not pushing for one. After all, I can read and start using these tools now, no waiting.)

These insights help encourage me to change and improve. I can't change him, but I can support him and offer better communication from my side to add stability to our lives. I miss out on the stability and emotional support one would normally get in a relationship, what I hoped for by being with him, but I see this as an illness I am willing to be understanding and supportive about until when/if a day comes that I just can't do it anymore. I hope it will be a long time, but I have to be prepared that this isn't the "forever home/relationship" I dreamed of in life. And that is okay.

Take it all step by step. It can't all be improved in a day but after reading this site I am hopeful that more stability is possible, or at the least I have others to help me not fall apart completely. I hope the best for you as you find your way through all of this!

Given all of this, what do you want to do? Do you feel this information can help you improve things?