just got out of a relationship with a BPD partner, not sure how to start healing

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feel a bit strange about posting, I've never joined a message board before. I just got out of an extremely intense relationship with a BPD partner. Throughout the course of our year long relationship we broke up and got back together multiple times (mostly when he would have an episode of rage and off the wall accusations and jealousy and I would try to separate.) Each time he was so good at resolution - saying the right thing, promising me it would get better. He could be so incredibly loving and made me feel so special - even though he had been married before he told me he had never felt this way about someone before and would promise big things (send me links to houses we should buy together, want to pick our future children's names together, etc.)

By the end of our relationship I felt totally emotionally beat up. He would accuse me of wanting to sleep with someone because I liked their photo on instagram - he made me feel like I was a bad and dishonest person. I know that the relationship was unhealthy for me and not what I want in the long term but I'm a few weeks out and find myself feeling very depressed and missing him intensely. He made me feel so paranoid and jealous during our relationship (my therapist says this is dual projection - I was taking on his bad behavior) and I constantly am wondering if he's spending time with the other women he would "drop in my lap" (as my therapist says) when we were together.

If anyone has advice for how to gain some perspective and to try to move on I would love to hear your insight.

[lalady10]

I feel a bit strange about posting, I've never joined a message board before. I just got out of an extremely intense relationship with a BPD partner. Throughout the course of our year long relationship we broke up and got back together multiple times (mostly when he would have an episode of rage and off the wall accusations and jealousy and I would try to separate.) Each time he was so good at resolution - saying the right thing, promising me it would get better. He could be so incredibly loving and made me feel so special - even though he had been married before he told me he had never felt this way about someone before and would promise big things (send me links to houses we should buy together, want to pick our future children's names together, etc.)

By the end of our relationship I felt totally emotionally beat up. He would accuse me of wanting to sleep with someone because I liked their photo on instagram - he made me feel like I was a bad and dishonest person. I know that the relationship was unhealthy for me and not what I want in the long term but I'm a few weeks out and find myself feeling very depressed and missing him intensely. He made me feel so paranoid and jealous during our relationship (my therapist says this is dual projection - I was taking on his bad behavior) and I constantly am wondering if he's spending time with the other women he would "drop in my lap" (as my therapist says) when we were together.

If anyone has advice for how to gain some perspective and to try to move on I would love to hear your insight.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lalady10, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar so know that you are not alone.  You describe the push/pull nature of a BPD r/s, which is why many of us refer to it as a roller coaster.  In some ways you are lucky that it only lasted a year.  Plenty of us, me included, have had long-term marriages/relationships with a pwBPD.  It sounds like you are seeing a T, which can be extremely helpful.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  Often we Nons get so involved with care-taking the pwBPD that we forget about ourselves.  Now is the time to return the focus to you.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Try to figure out the right path for you.  Get back to old friends and interests.  Listen to your gut feelings.  It's likely that you will hear from him again so be prepared for attempts to recycle.

LuckyJim