BPDh is in full-on smear campaign mode

[LightnessOfBeing]

I suppose this might seem like an unorthodox post, but I'm in a bad way (I'm sure everyone on this particular board understands the depth of this kind of agony), and I'd really be helped by in-person conversation with other people who've been through this; as well as being able to be of some help to them. No one else understands what I'm going through. No one at the local sliding fee scale clinic has a clue about BPD, and right now I need to be around people who know what really goes on in these relationships, the unique - and uniquely crazy-making/frustrating/traumatizing - things that pwBPD do to us.

There are no local support groups, and I'd love to start one if there are even a few fellow survivors within a reasonable radius - I'm in Austin.

I suppose this post is driven mainly by the fact that BPDh is in full-on smear campaign mode, revictimizing the victim (me) by flipping the script and making me the abuser -- despite the fact that I have recordings of many of the more recent incidents which prove that I'm an innocent victim of his emotional abuse. I don't know how to survive this part, where they turn themselves into the victim, and completely re-write reality with their fiction. It's so comprehensive an editing, he's changing, distorting, redacting, confabulating EVERYTHING that happened between us for two years; and all his friends, and his mother, are swallowing it hook, line, and sinker.  

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[RufusTFirefly]

Hey, I'm in Austin also

I would love it if someone started a support group out here, though I don't know how often I'd be able to attend in-person meetings.

I know what you're talking about with regards to feeling like the abuser. I'm constantly accused of abusive behavior any time I try to establish boundaries (Not picking up the phone when she calls? Abusive. Walking out of the house during an argument? Abusive. Her telling me I can't spend time with my friends? Somehow my fault.)

I've never made any recordings, but I've been tempted to. The reason I haven't is because I don't know who I'd be trying to convince. In my life, my family believes me, my therapist believes me, and the friends I've talked to about this believe me. She's the only one who doesn't. I don't have a strong desire to defend myself to her friends or family. Maybe I'd be trying to convince myself.

You mention everyone on his end believes him, but what about on your end? Do you have a support system? Do they believe you?

I not 100% sure what the policy is on anonymity in regards to this forum, but feel free to message me if you want to communicate with an Austin local (Hook 'Em )

[bananas2]

I'm not aware of any in-person support groups specific to BPD. The only ones I've found are general groups for families/friends of ppl with mental illness, occasionally see one that is for depression. Yes, BPD is so very different and seems more complicated than so many other mental illnesses, I think in part, bc the person in the relationship with the pwBPD gets so victimized. Not to dismiss other ppl who get abused in a relationship with a mentally ill person (Schizophrenia & Dissociative Disorders must be extremely rough on caregivers). But all in all, I agree that we have a unique set of circumstances.
For me, what helps with being the target of the never-ending smear campaign is seeing my private therapist, talking with my BPDhub's therapist, and marriage counseling. Although the marriage counseling can be very trying & exhausting, I at least get to express the reality of the situation. Even if hub denies things, or straight up lies in session, a good counselor will eventually see through the deception.
If you feel you need more one-on-one time with someone who understands, you can always private message ppl in this forum that you relate to. Seems like RufusTFirefly & me relate to your agony & are willing to private msg if you like.
Hope to hear from you.

[Hmcbart]

Lightness:  I don't know if any groups that are specific to BPD and I agree with everyone else whose posted that the circumstances are probably different than a normal (haha, I said normal) relationship with someone with PD.   I agree that there should be something like this for us. 

As far as the smear campaign.  I have been though this a few times in my marriage.  Lucky for her she doesn't keep friends long enough for them to see the truth.  Same goes for therapist.  We are currently in MC and it started off the same as times before.  I was an evil abusive husband who said mean things to her and had anger issues.  The first 2 times I had no clue how to handle the accusations.  The truth was never believed and by the time the T started to realize I'm not Satan, my wife was already unhappy with them and didn't want to go anymore.  This time it's been different.  It started the same way of course, but this time instead of defending myself I accepted responsibility for my actions.  I didn't accept responsibility for things I didn't do or say.  At first it was all focused on me and my issues but as time went on, the T was able to get a clearer picture of the truth.  When I would have an opportunity to speak, I would talk about all that I do for her and our children.  She couldn't deny the truth.  I was also planting seeds as we went to let the T know what she has been doing.  It's taken 6 months but I think the T actually understands now. 

As far as family, that's a different matter entirely.  I know she has told them all kinds of horror stories about me.  She's even commented in my presence that I'm not this nice at home.  The way I act around her family has never changed.  I think they see the truth and it's been causing issues for her when she around them.  They don't want to do much with her anymore. 

Persistence is important.  Not saying any of this will help you but it's made my life easier.  I just refuse to live up to the picture she paints for others and let them draw there own conclusions.  It hasn't been easy and I'm not perfect and do have my own issues but it has helped me a little bit.  If nothing else it's helped me to not give it more attention than it should get.  Some attention but not enough to get to me to much.   

[bananas2]

Hmcbart -

As far as family, that's a different matter entirely.  I know she has told them all kinds of horror stories about me.  She's even commented in my presence that I'm not this nice at home.  The way I act around her family has never changed.  I think they see the truth

Good for you! I'm in same situation that my BPDh has painted me so black to his family, that I must seem the most horribly abusive person on earth. But they have never witnessed me acting abusive toward him, even after all these many years. Just always hoping that the outright lies that the pwBPD says about us is negated by our genuine and honest actions. Sometimes I just sit back and darkly laugh that my BPDhub's fam hates me, but my fam thinks he's the best guy on earth. I just don't believe in disparaging your SO to your family, and I have & never will do so.

[JaybirdA]

Nothing terribly useful to offer here, other than to say it's crazy to read other people's descriptions of going through marriage counseling with their BPD SO. Reads like the script to my own marriage counseling experiences.