Inconsistency is the message: why?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Quick recap. A surprisingly "peaceful" break-up after several phases of recycling that went on for months, souped-up by splitting, idillic moments, emotional instability, fantastic sex, various types of abuse, a feeling of unconditional love and psychotic episodes. The definitive break-up itself was triggered by a typical, full fledged BPD rage. That is when i understood that i couldn't take any more of it. After the final break-up, nothing bad happened for a month. Until he nurtured some paranoid ideation of me sleeping with other men (utterly not the case), which caused him to slip into a delirium tremens of hate and awful aggression, threats, triangulation, manipulation, projections, you name it. It was so frightening that i got close to reporting him, but didn't in the end, for reasons that i am not going to elaborate here as to not digress from my question. After the final break-up and the consequent raging he just discarded me, coldly, as if nothing (of the beautiful, meaningful, precious things) that had happened between us had any meaning to him. Suddenly and inexplicably, i became i monster to his eyes. Useless to say, i drowned into depression. I was actually over the ruminating and missing stage, but i entered a new phase where the focus lay on myself (Why? Why again? How can i exit this repetition drama? What in me is causing it to happen? What are my responsibilities?... .). I got back into therapy, amassed a lot of information about BPD (actually understood he's showing all traits only after the RS ended) and went NC with him. I blocked him on phone, FB and other channels of communication. I didn't block the mail since he has many addresses and i kind of believed that he was serious about not wanting to ever have anything to do with me ever again. Of course, i was wrong.

So there he is, a few weeks later, sending me a few hateful emails over a stupid social event where he thought i might be present. The reason for his writing is absolutely trivial, an obvious excuse to contact me. From one sentence to the other he plays the dominant, then he plays the victim, stating all through that he absolutely does not want to see me ever again.

I disrespected my own principles and decided to answer him, breaking NC. I wrote him that i didn't understand why he would write me for such a trivial matter if he indeed did not want to have any contact with me, and that there would have been many other ways to find out whether i would be present or not. I reassured him that i will not be, and that he will be free to go unhindered. I also wrote that i wished there was no more contacting attempt from his side until his need to project his rage onto me existed. Then i filtered his email address to spam.

Today, out of curiosity (aka weakness), i ventured into my spam bin and found his latest reply from two days ago. Surprise, his tone changed radically. He is now again calling me by my nickname and writes that he would love to go back into time, up to a year ago (when we were together) and pleads to go back to a "normal" communication. He excuses himself for his behaviour, states that he does not want to molest me and hopes that his excuses are enough, tells me that i am a wonderful person, sends a hug, moths flying into candlelight, hearts popping, i am so angry but can't allow myself to be since i now know that there's a serious illness in the game, and though i've acquired a pretty accurate insight of it all i am still utterly puzzled, so here's my question:

How can it be that an otherwise intelligent, educated, conscious being CANNOT SPOT the inconsistency in his own messages? How can it be that while re-reading himself (he wrote me that he'd gone through his email 10 times before sending it) he is unable to see how alarmingly contradictory his statements are? I understand that BPDs have a different perception of the world and everything that's in it, but i just rationally struggle to grasp the width of that gap. How can he tell me that i am the worst person he's ever crossed, that he hates me and is ready to punish me for who i am and then, just a few hours later, state that i am a beautiful human being and that he is truly sorry for hurting me? How can he NOT fathom that there is something seriously wrong with him and eventually, hopefully, get help for himself?

I mean, from a straight-forward cognitive point of view, if one sentient being was to go through his own writing with a minimal amount of analytic capability, the contradictions would appear blatant. Taking into account a wider view, one's behaviour might appear contradictory when just superficially analysed. What happens with BPDs? Why can't they figure out the crack in their own record? How come that they are ready to repeat the same destructive pattern over and over again, without any insight? It kind of kills me to not understand. It hooks my nights to nightmares where i constantly re-live the dread, the manipulation, the shallowness, the aggression, the unjustified rage. It keeps me hooked so, if any of you have any hints to solve this puzzle, you'll be most welcome.

[Jami]

Quick recap. A surprisingly "peaceful" break-up after several phases of recycling that went on for months, souped-up by splitting, idillic moments, emotional instability, fantastic sex, various types of abuse, a feeling of unconditional love and psychotic episodes. The definitive break-up itself was triggered by a typical, full fledged BPD rage. That is when i understood that i couldn't take any more of it. After the final break-up, nothing bad happened for a month. Until he nurtured some paranoid ideation of me sleeping with other men (utterly not the case), which caused him to slip into a delirium tremens of hate and awful aggression, threats, triangulation, manipulation, projections, you name it. It was so frightening that i got close to reporting him, but didn't in the end, for reasons that i am not going to elaborate here as to not digress from my question. After the final break-up and the consequent raging he just discarded me, coldly, as if nothing (of the beautiful, meaningful, precious things) that had happened between us had any meaning to him. Suddenly and inexplicably, i became i monster to his eyes. Useless to say, i drowned into depression. I was actually over the ruminating and missing stage, but i entered a new phase where the focus lay on myself (Why? Why again? How can i exit this repetition drama? What in me is causing it to happen? What are my responsibilities?... .). I got back into therapy, amassed a lot of information about BPD (actually understood he's showing all traits only after the RS ended) and went NC with him. I blocked him on phone, FB and other channels of communication. I didn't block the mail since he has many addresses and i kind of believed that he was serious about not wanting to ever have anything to do with me ever again. Of course, i was wrong.

So there he is, a few weeks later, sending me a few hateful emails over a stupid social event where he thought i might be present. The reason for his writing is absolutely trivial, an obvious excuse to contact me. From one sentence to the other he plays the dominant, then he plays the victim, stating all through that he absolutely does not want to see me ever again.

I disrespected my own principles and decided to answer him, breaking NC. I wrote him that i didn't understand why he would write me for such a trivial matter if he indeed did not want to have any contact with me, and that there would have been many other ways to find out whether i would be present or not. I reassured him that i will not be, and that he will be free to go unhindered. I also wrote that i wished there was no more contacting attempt from his side until his need to project his rage onto me existed. Then i filtered his email address to spam.

Today, out of curiosity (aka weakness), i ventured into my spam bin and found his latest reply from two days ago. Surprise, his tone changed radically. He is now again calling me by my nickname and writes that he would love to go back into time, up to a year ago (when we were together) and pleads to go back to a "normal" communication. He excuses himself for his behaviour, states that he does not want to molest me and hopes that his excuses are enough, tells me that i am a wonderful person, sends a hug, moths flying into candlelight, hearts popping, i am so angry but can't allow myself to be since i now know that there's a serious illness in the game, and though i've acquired a pretty accurate insight of it all i am still utterly puzzled, so here's my question:

How can it be that an otherwise intelligent, educated, conscious being CANNOT SPOT the inconsistency in his own messages? How can it be that while re-reading himself (he wrote me that he'd gone through his email 10 times before sending it) he is unable to see how alarmingly contradictory his statements are? I understand that BPDs have a different perception of the world and everything that's in it, but i just rationally struggle to grasp the width of that gap. How can he tell me that i am the worst person he's ever crossed, that he hates me and is ready to punish me for who i am and then, just a few hours later, state that i am a beautiful human being and that he is truly sorry for hurting me? How can he NOT fathom that there is something seriously wrong with him and eventually, hopefully, get help for himself?

I mean, from a straight-forward cognitive point of view, if one sentient being was to go through his own writing with a minimal amount of analytic capability, the contradictions would appear blatant. Taking into account a wider view, one's behaviour might appear contradictory when just superficially analysed. What happens with BPDs? Why can't they figure out the crack in their own record? How come that they are ready to repeat the same destructive pattern over and over again, without any insight? It kind of kills me to not understand. It hooks my nights to nightmares where i constantly re-live the dread, the manipulation, the shallowness, the aggression, the unjustified rage. It keeps me hooked so, if any of you have any hints to solve this puzzle, you'll be most welcome.

[roberto516]

How can it be that an otherwise intelligent, educated, conscious being CANNOT SPOT the inconsistency in his own messages? How can it be that while re-reading himself (he wrote me that he'd gone through his email 10 times before sending it) he is unable to see how alarmingly contradictory his statements are? I understand that BPDs have a different perception of the world and everything that's in it, but i just rationally struggle to grasp the width of that gap. How can he tell me that i am the worst person he's ever crossed, that he hates me and is ready to punish me for who i am and then, just a few hours later, state that i am a beautiful human being and that he is truly sorry for hurting me? How can he NOT fathom that there is something seriously wrong with him and eventually, hopefully, get help for himself?

I'll give you the best insight you're gonna get. How? Because I did this to my ex. During the relationship I was pretty even keel. When I got upset I'd go into introvert mode but I never yelled at her. I'd yell when I was angry that she'd jist sit there and not communicate bUT never to her directly.

Well when she cut me off so coldly I felt an absolute betrayal. My anger got the best of me. Then within an hour I'd apoligize and promise undying love. It never mattered. She reached out for recycles when she needed something then was out again after I helped her.

The only real explanation I can give has to do with the brain. The amygdala is our fight/flight part of the brain. When we are in fight/flight any rational thought from the prefrontal cortex is shut off. Actually all our processing gets filtered through the amygdala first so if we have to fight or flee we don't waste precious nano seconds thinking whether we have to fight or run. Our brains are actually programmed to act before we think. Don't wanna spend time thinking whether the lion charging at me is gonna try and eat me or not. Any time wasted on thoughts could lead to death.

When the threat wears off/adrenaline subsides our rational, logical brain kicks on. After raging at her in fight mode I felt immense remorse and regret once I began to think rationally again. It was terrible. Reading your post makes me feel like I had BPD as she just didn't respond to me at all. I must have seemed so crazy.

So it's a combination of brain mixed with why the event was so triggering to elicit the fight response. For me it was that abandonment and emotional coldness I worked so hard to fix as a parentified child.

Maybe he is similar to me in that sense. Hope some of this helped.