Husband's demands...

[duimstal]

First post, and I need some advice.

My husband has asked that I keep all his mental health struggles secret and not tell any of my friends and family anything. I've kept everything pretty private, but over the past year and a half I have mentioned that he is struggling a couple times to my mom and close friends (but no details or anything.)
Yesterday while I was at a couple appointments, he signed into my facebook and read through all my messages, looking for a reason to be angry with me. He of course found the couple times that I mentioned that his health wasn't perfect. When I came home, he blew up at me.
He's been harboring resentment towards my family (who he's only met a couple times), and I know he's anxious to go for a visit for Christmas for the first time. I've mentioned a few times that my family will be much more accommodating and understanding if they are aware of his anxiety and mental health struggles, but he has refused to let me tell them. During our argument last night, he decided that I should tell my mom everything that has happened. (He thinks that this will cause my family to hate him, and validate his dislike for them.)
He confronted me this morning asking if I had called my mom yet to tell her everything, which I haven't. Now he says I need to call her when he's there, so he can hear exactly what I say and judge my mom's reaction for himself. I know that he'll just find more things to get upset about during the call, how I describe events for example. If I either don't call, or call when he's not there, I'll be accused of never listening to him again, just like everyone else in his life that has never listened to his thoughts/opinions/feelings.

No matter what I do, I know he'll be upset about something, but I don't know which is the best option. Any advice?

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[Meili]

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship struggles. I'm glad that you found our little community and wish for you the support and advice that I received. You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice.

That does sound like a tough situation to be in. Maybe you can redirect the situation by changing the discussion from about the call to about his feelings? By this, I mean listening to the feelings that he is conveying rather than the words that he's using. Frequently, in these types of relationships, those are two very separate messages. When we Listen with Empathy, we can see things from the other person's perspective. It helps to defuse the situation and makes it easier to address the actual concern that the other person is having.

Has he been diagnosed with mental problems? Is he in therapy?

[duimstal]

It seems to be the overall feeling behind it are that no one listens to him. I can't seem to get him to understand the difference between listening and understanding his feelings and doing exactly what he says. I've tried to make it clear that I do understand where he's coming from, but he always turns it into an if I really listened and understood, I would do whatever action.
He isn't officially diagnosed yet. He has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for years, and treatment hasn't really been helping. Not long ago we got a referral for an emergency psych assessment, and the psychiatrist that day mentioned BPD traits. We did some research and it seemed to fit perfectly (self-assessment he has 7-8 of the 9 traits). He has started seeing a new psychologist recently. The new psychologist is really helping him to understand his feelings and actions, but not really how to make improvements yet.

[duimstal]

PROGRESS!
Just had a talk, which started with a lot of the same little arguments, but finally we got past them, and I have permission to tell my family that he's been having mental health struggles lately, and that he's getting help! No pressure to tell every single detail, and I don't have to do it in front of him! Of course he says that's exactly what he's been saying all year... .but I'll take it 

On that note, how are we supposed to respond when what they're saying suddenly flips, and they claim they've been saying it all along, we just weren't listening? I tried really hard to keep the look of disbelief off my face, but I have no idea what to say to that.

[Meili]

I'm glad that you two have reached a resolution to that problem.

The "you're not listening" thing can be hard. Listening with empathy, validating and not being invalidating help with that. Far too often, we invalidate something that someone says to us unintentionally and they don't feel heard.