How to cope

[Capybara]

I have been married to a man with BPD for 44 years. I didn't know why the relationship had to be so difficult until about 10 years ago when I discovered a book that explained BPD and it described our situation to a "T". The place I am in now is very confusing. My husband retired a year ago and is legally blind and has other health issues, such as heart trouble, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. I have been a home maker and raised our 8 sons and cannot financially move away (we are living on his disability income). I have separated myself from the family home (staying in an apartment on our property) so that I can regain some control of my life. I am feeling a little guilty, however, because of his declining health and my lack of concern, help, compassion, etc. I just no longer feel it is my responsibility to fix his problems. He refuses to take responsibility for his health (diet & exercise). Three of our sons are still living in the family home and which means I still interact with him on a daily basis. I guess I just need verification that I am where I should be or how to better handle the situation. Any advice?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Capybara, It sounds like you are taking steps to take care of yourself, such as moving into the apartment, which I view as a positive thing.  At the end of the day, you're not responsible for the well-being of another adult, so I suggest you lose the guilt.  What is the best path for you at this point?  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  You seem to be making progress, from my perspective.

LuckyJim

P.S.  It's great that you discovered the book about BPD and had a "lightbulb" moment 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Capybara and Welcome! 

I'm glad you found us.  Sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult time, but the members here will be able to relate to your story and the experiences they share will help you to feel less isolated in the situation.  Would you like to tell us more of your husband's traits/behaviours that have brought you to this point? 

Regards your question about being where you should be, I'd say that you should be where you feel is best for yourself.  What would your ideal situation be, if there were no restrictions to your options?

Love and light x

[Capybara]

Thanks for the support. My husband's verbal abuse has gone to the extreme of anything one can imagine. I finally just quit caring about myself, became very depressed and could barely function from one day to the next. After spiraling downwards over a period of about three months, I shared what had been happening with my sister who had no idea it was so bad. She gave me the strength and courage to start making positive changes. I recently made a religious retreat and was able to get some counseling while there. I had no idea I am codependent! I am moving forward with my life and while I have a long way to go, I am striving for peace. I hope to be able to travel someday; five of our sons and three grandchildren live out of state and I don't get to see them very often. BPD can be extremely damaging when the person refuses to seek help or even acknowledge a problem exists. I hope anyone reading this who is in this type of relationship recognizes it and doesn't wait as long as I did to make changes. It has done serious damage to our whole family.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Capybara, Sharing your experiences with your sister was a really healthy thing to do, in my view.  You are lucky to have her support!  I suggest you continue to reach out to family and friends.  Don't keep the abuse in the dark.  It's important to speak out and make changes, as you are doing.  Yes, BPD is a terrible disorder that takes its toll on spouses, significant others, families, careers and marriages.  We get it.

LuckyJim