Dreams about an ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

im a little bit self conscious writing about this, but its fresh on my mind, and im not sure i ever have.

i dreamt again last night of my ex from my senior year of high school. this was a mere three month relationship, but the breakup had a big impact on me.

its been thirteen years since. id say maybe once or twice a year or less, i dream of her. the dreams are always the same. im chasing her. im wanting to be close to her physically and emotionally. i long to pour my heart out to her. as the dreams play out, whatever the environment, she gets further and further away, and i cant find her. i want to email her, or call her, or something.

last night had a different twist. she was in town, visiting. i dont recall how we got together, i dont remember much of the dream at all. the part i remember was us lying in my bed, talking, holding each other, some kissing. i was overwhelmed with feelings, within my dream. we looked in each others eyes at length and she mentioned how long itd been - i reminded her it was longer. at some point she mentioned shed need to leave soon. i tried to get her to spend the night. i wanted to hold her at length and at least see her off in the morning. she snuck out, without a goodbye, and i was heartbroken. i desperately wanted to call her, and let her know id love to see her once more before she had to leave for good, but i figured bad move; i stood a better chance of that happening if i didnt reach out. my feelings within the dream were palpable, i was full of adrenaline. then i woke up.

and these palpable feelings were gone instantly. you see, this isnt a person i think of in my waking hours. this is not a person i long to be close to or communicate with. there does remain, a level of pain associated with the relationship and its ending. i was, before we got together, in my prime, so to speak. the best version of myself i feel ive reached, and never approached since. its little about her, but i can recall a few memories, and that time, with a painful bit of nostalgia i feel toward no other ex romantic partner. i do however, consider the relationship resolved in my heart and mind.

so in my mind it begs the question, why, after all this time, these incredibly powerful dreams? i love dreaming. i dont really experience "nightmares", in the sense that theres no such thing as a bad dream for me, theyre all just fascinating stories. these really arent pleasant, and given the choice, i wish theyd stop, even though upon waking i can no longer seem to connect with these powerful, and desperate feelings. it leaves me puzzled.

so i thought i might share while it was relatively fresh, in hopes that someone might have some insight. i almost exclusively have recurring dreams, and im a firm believer that they can evolve, and be resolved. this new development seems like it could be a step in that direction. i also suspect these dreams arent about her or longing for her... .perhaps more a longing for that time i romanticize in my head, or perhaps something im oblivious to. i know traumatic experiences pop up in dreams. i have resolved them before. i wonder sometimes if i might live with these forever, though.

thoughts?

[once removed]

im a little bit self conscious writing about this, but its fresh on my mind, and im not sure i ever have.

i dreamt again last night of my ex from my senior year of high school. this was a mere three month relationship, but the breakup had a big impact on me.

its been thirteen years since. id say maybe once or twice a year or less, i dream of her. the dreams are always the same. im chasing her. im wanting to be close to her physically and emotionally. i long to pour my heart out to her. as the dreams play out, whatever the environment, she gets further and further away, and i cant find her. i want to email her, or call her, or something.

last night had a different twist. she was in town, visiting. i dont recall how we got together, i dont remember much of the dream at all. the part i remember was us lying in my bed, talking, holding each other, some kissing. i was overwhelmed with feelings, within my dream. we looked in each others eyes at length and she mentioned how long itd been - i reminded her it was longer. at some point she mentioned shed need to leave soon. i tried to get her to spend the night. i wanted to hold her at length and at least see her off in the morning. she snuck out, without a goodbye, and i was heartbroken. i desperately wanted to call her, and let her know id love to see her once more before she had to leave for good, but i figured bad move; i stood a better chance of that happening if i didnt reach out. my feelings within the dream were palpable, i was full of adrenaline. then i woke up.

and these palpable feelings were gone instantly. you see, this isnt a person i think of in my waking hours. this is not a person i long to be close to or communicate with. there does remain, a level of pain associated with the relationship and its ending. i was, before we got together, in my prime, so to speak. the best version of myself i feel ive reached, and never approached since. its little about her, but i can recall a few memories, and that time, with a painful bit of nostalgia i feel toward no other ex romantic partner. i do however, consider the relationship resolved in my heart and mind.

so in my mind it begs the question, why, after all this time, these incredibly powerful dreams? i love dreaming. i dont really experience "nightmares", in the sense that theres no such thing as a bad dream for me, theyre all just fascinating stories. these really arent pleasant, and given the choice, i wish theyd stop, even though upon waking i can no longer seem to connect with these powerful, and desperate feelings. it leaves me puzzled.

so i thought i might share while it was relatively fresh, in hopes that someone might have some insight. i almost exclusively have recurring dreams, and im a firm believer that they can evolve, and be resolved. this new development seems like it could be a step in that direction. i also suspect these dreams arent about her or longing for her... .perhaps more a longing for that time i romanticize in my head, or perhaps something im oblivious to. i know traumatic experiences pop up in dreams. i have resolved them before. i wonder sometimes if i might live with these forever, though.

thoughts?

[Insom]

Thanks for sharing this as I'm also very interested in dreams.  Have you studied Carl Jung?  His thoughts on dreams and stories are fascinating.  And I agree, it may not be the actual her you're dreaming about, but something else.

https://www.amazon.com/Gods-Everyman-Archetypes-Shape-Lives/dp/0060972807


www.dreamstudies.org/2009/11/25/carl-jung-dream-interpretation

[steelwork]

Hi once removed,

Okay, some thoughts. First, your dreams about her remind me of the dreams I used to have about my father, who died when I was 14 (almost 15). In the dream, I'd be reunited with him, and there was a feeling of joy about that mixed with a feeling of hurt that he'd been alive after all and just not wanting to be with us, plus anxiety about him going away again. I think it's a common dream to have about the loss of a loved one--especially if that person died in an unresolved way. My father had kidney cancer, so there was nothing inherently unresolved, except that I was a teenager. Teen years are a cognitive in-between. Some parts of your brain have developed more than others. They say that until the age of around 26 you don't have full control of your executive functions, for instance (impulse control, etc). My theory is that you also don't really, truly, totally understand death. You have not quite mastered its permanence. That is just my theory. I had these dreams pretty regularly until I was around 30 or 35. Maybe it took me that long to really understand in my brain and my heart that he was gone. You say you graduated from hs 13 years ago, which would make you under 30. Is it possible that the dreams will go away as you reach that next level of maturity?

There is also the matter of complicated grief. You may not be as resolved in your feelings about her as you think you are. What does it mean to be resolved in your heart and mind? A few years ago, I ended up in the hospital with a recurrence of an infection from 29 years earlier, which had been asymptomatic all that time! Make of that what you will. Just because you don't long for her, does not mean the underlying trauma has been resolved, I think--and that underlying trauma might have less to do with her than you think.

Another thought: you seem to feel that the dreams are not proportional to the relationship you had, or your remaining feelings about her, because you were only together for 3 months. But the importance of the relationship is not necessarily commensurate with its duration or even with your feelings to that person; that person may have had a lot of transferred significance--a shadow of a different relationship. I'll leave that up to you to puzzle out, but I know my recent ex "stood in" for a few other people in my past for me, emotionally.

Anyhow, you say that you were your best self before you met your ex. But you were a teenager. You were still growing and developing and learning. That can't have been your best self, unless you don't want to grow up! I mean, I know what you're saying... .I am often in awe of the teenage girl I was, all the energy and fearlessness I had and how I was drinking up the world. But that was teenage me, fresh in the world, and frankly, still repressing a lot of childhood pain. What do you think? You could say, "I was a great teenager" but still not want to be that person anymore.

[Insom]

Hi again, once removed.

Also, I wanted to relate a similar type of dream experience.  For years I had this recurring dream about my BPD-ex - we met when we were teens - that was characterized by by a sense of unresolved yearning.  The dreams would go something like this:  Our eyes meet across a crowded airplane, I want to go to him but can't because the fasten seatbelt light is on.  Or, our eyes meet across a crowded restaurant, I want to get to him but can't because there is too much stuff in the way: waiters, toppling trays of food, people who detain me to talk, and so on.  Like you described, I'd have these dreams about twice a year and would wake from them  feeling quite emotional in a yearning, nostalgic sort of way.  And they occurred for over twenty years

Recently though, as I've started to more actively explore this person's role in my past, the dreams have completely changed.  In recent months I've had nightmares about him where he's stalking or hunting me like a villain in a horror flick and I wake up feeling panicky.   Dreams where he's treated me with contempt.  Dreams where I've confronted him over past abuse.  This new set of dreams is more frequent and completely devoid of yearning or nostalgia.  I don't know what's going on but something seems to be changing. 

[once removed]

thank you for your responses, Insom and steelwork.

Insom, thanks for the links. ive always been kind of wary about certain aspects and brands of dream interpretation. i wouldnt necessarily trust a book i found, and i wouldnt go looking my dreams up on the internet, but reading jung, and the kind of feedback i see on this board all fall into my "trustworthy dream interpretation" category, if that makes sense.

the change you describe in your dreams is certainly interesting. i have a great deal of recurring dreams (95% of my dreams contain recurring content, dynamics, places, what have you) and i have seen them evolve over time. i dreamt about my uBPDex in the immediate aftermath of the breakup too; when i learned that this was a common response to trauma, they changed over night. very occasionally i will dream of her, and its always the same... .im just trying to break up with her. theyre completely void of emotion, though. the yearning feeling you describe, i can relate to, and i think may have to do with the characterization of my dreams.

steelwork,

first its unimaginable to me to lose a father at such a young age, and then to be tortured by such dreams. im incredibly sorry that that happened, and i think i understand what you mean about it feeling unresolved at the time.

im about thirty and a half now, and this happened at eighteen. i do think it is possible the dreams will stop on their own.

im glad you asked what it means to have it resolved in my heart and mind, i wondered that as i typed it and didnt quite believe it myself. i think i was trying to say that it is consciously resolved. she was not/is not the one. there is no yearning for anything having to do with her, and i never think of her in my waking life. i think none of that contradicts the point you made about things being less resolved than i give them credit for.

i know the fact that it was only a three month relationship doesnt speak to the feelings or the trauma i might have endured. id say the same to anyone else, but i do feel self conscious having these pining dreams about it, and i do want to get across that it strikes me as odd that things are not more resolved. ive come a long way in terms of learning to grieve, and accept things. i guess im not sure how to retroactively apply that, at least deeper than i have.

a little bit of context on the best self thing... .ill try to keep this short, but i think the responses from both of you have given me some insight here.

i had three serious relationships in high school, all messy. i was in an on and off thing for two years with a girl with disordered personality traits. i spent most of those two years depressed, and my mood tended to depend on how she treated me. i was a lap dog. we finally fell out, and i think i was ready. it was the end of the year, and as summer came, my life blossomed over night. at no time in my life have i had more friends, more close friends, and more fun times. healthy gals were attracted to me and i to them. i found my confidence, which i hadnt had since i can recall. i learned a lot of good stuff too, relationship wise. i read the book boundaries. the idea of me ever having been a lap dog, or falling into the messy relationships id been in was totally foreign.

so i hit the ground running when the school year started, and i was ready to meet someone, and i did. this was a "nice girl". of course things were more complicated, but she was a different type of girl for me. she wanted to spend more time together than i did. she was really into me, and very expressive about it. i kept my heart guarded a bit for some time, but fell for her really hard and felt safe when i did (in retrospect, i think i internalized the things we bonded over more than she did). she seemed to have long term plans for us, which was new as well. she had an unresolved previous relationship with an ex who was pining for her, and her friends and family were putting a lot of pressure on her to dump me and get back with him. wasnt really a (known) factor until the last half of our relationship, when she went increasingly distant on me. my anxiety became sky high. shed say nothing was wrong but become even more distant. wouldnt answer my calls, supposedly because she was hanging out with the ex who would get sad when i called (i guess i had a little more to learn about boundaries... .). anyway, we had an upswing, reconnected, then she dumped me, then she got back with him.

i felt like a ghost. i even started skipping school. i couldnt cope. in the immediate aftermath i had worn my heart on my sleeve, which is always messy. once she was with him i knew i had to detach, and that was incredibly painful for me, even the concept of "detaching" was painful. like painfully ripping away from her. i didnt want her to give me up though. i had avoided the places where wed met but i returned to them and wouldnt see her. practically never saw her again. and she had given me up.

as i type this, yes, it stirs a little bit up. that distance, both in the aftermath of the breakup, and when she was distant during the relationship felt so profound, and i wasnt dissociating, but i really felt like a ghost for the rest of the year. i crawled across the finish line of graduating. depression ruled my life. i didnt go very far academically or professionally. i lost all of those friends. at the time i had my one best friend, but he was in a nightmare relationship of his own that consumed most of his time.

why was that my best self? ive definitely resolved those dark days. ive had relationships and friendships and fun times. ive grown tremendously. but sometime between 18-21 i started developing medical problems. these medical problems, suffice to say, make a functioning life very difficult. that has nothing to do with the dreams (which began before they did), but it has a great deal to do with me not having a whole lot to show for, or more foward with, since about 18.

i think the tone of the dreams matches the distance i felt at the time. the wondering, the longing, the wanting to pour my heart out, her increasingly fading away. someone going distant on me like that still triggers me immensely. i certainly clung to "the words that were said" by her. i felt discarded and abandoned by someone i thought cared a great deal for me, a partner and a best friend. there was a bit of martyrdom on my end about how "loyal "i was, and frustration that i felt her loyalty lied with everyone else.

man. thanks for allowing me to share, and for the feedback. this has been a helpful exercise.

[Insom]

Yeah, the interesting thing about Jung is that it's not dream interpretation, exactly.  More of a system for helping you uncover the layers of meaning your own dreams hold.  A friend who is an Jungian analyst has told me he thinks some dreams can produce meaning and insights over a lifetime if you're willing to explore them.  This one you're exploring now sounds like a rich one. 

[steelwork]

once removed, I've been meaning to post another reply to this thread for a while. I was traveling, and then I felt a little stumped about what I wanted to say. Well, first, thank you for your sympathy about losing my dad when I did, and the aftermath. I guess we all have our crosses to bear. I was reading a review of a memoir some politician published recently about how we make life too easy for our kids these days [doubtful, imho, but anyhow... .] and came across the phrase "the scar tissue of character." I don't know that we need to go around making things hard on our kids so they'll have character... .I think we all have scars, and they can remind us of old pain but also, sure, form our character in positive ways. So, yeah. But I think (this is me, not the politician) bad stuff that happened will just warp you unless you take an active role--be that through therapy, contemplation, active forgiveness, whatever. But you need that vulnerability--that emotional flexibility--or the scar will be painful every time you stretch.

Have I flogged that metaphor as hard as possible now?

What I mean is that you wrote about your three high school relationships with admirable vulnerability, and especially this:

i think the tone of the dreams matches the distance i felt at the time. the wondering, the longing, the wanting to pour my heart out, her increasingly fading away. someone going distant on me like that still triggers me immensely.

And that seems to be a key to your dream and why you would have it--i.e. what its current relevance is.

Also wanted to say... .

why was that my best self? ive definitely resolved those dark days. ive had relationships and friendships and fun times. ive grown tremendously. but sometime between 18-21 i started developing medical problems. these medical problems, suffice to say, make a functioning life very difficult. that has nothing to do with the dreams (which began before they did), but it has a great deal to do with me not having a whole lot to show for, or more foward with, since about 18.

I'm very sorry about your medical problems and the impact those had on your life. Do you feel like you have mourned that? What I mean is, have you mourned the loss of the life you might have had? I think it can seem so important to be positive about what IS that you can miss the chance to say goodbye to what might have been. I think it can seem like wallowing, and maybe after a point it is. It's tricky, balancing those things. But you might have to go back and grieve a little more periodically, like a tune-up. I know that's true for me.

Also, I doubt it's true that you don't have "a whole lot to show for, or move forward with" since 18. That sounds like someone being very hard on himself.

[Emotions]

I have dreamed of mine every night since the split. 10 days in a row... .that's why I think my mornings are so difficult for me. Is this possibly because of trauma?

[steelwork]

Emotions--

10 days from a breakup? I would imagine that your feelings are very raw. I think it's quite natural to be dreaming of this person. Good sleep is so important when you are stressed. What are you doing for yourself right now?

Do you only feel traumatized? Is it by the breakup, or do you have a sense of something else contributing?

[Emotions]

I am doing quite a bit. Today I went for a 3 mile run. I played tennis later that day. I make sure I eat yogurt and cheerios and granola for breakfast. I even managed to have a pizza for dinner. I lay down for bed around 9:30 or 10, and don't get up until 7 or 8 in the am regardless if I'm sleeping or not. I saw a therapist on Saturday and going again on Thursday. I have called and contacted about 15-20 people mostly family members and call several on a daily basis. My cousin went through something similar to me so he has been kind of a sponsor to me, other than my mother who answers EVERYTIME I call even if she doesn't know what to say or quite understand, she has followed me and the relationship since the beginning. She was even very close with my exBPD for about 5 years. I have been reading Buddhism books because they help me focus on controlling my mind and even thinking positive thoughts about my ex and my replacement. My mornings are difficult to control, so I immediately go on this website and read posts to know that I am not alone with my struggles. Thank you for the question. After typing my answer I am humbly proud and blessed that I have had the energy to battle the vices in my head and fill them with virtues thus far. I hope I can continue. Thoughts?

[steelwork]

it sounds like you have a great support network and are being very sensible.

Are you surprised that you are dreaming of your ex? Frustrated?

Maybe you can regard the dreams as you would passing thoughts in a meditation: like interesting clouds passing through.

[Emotions]

Hmmm I guess I don't know how I feel. In some way it connects me to her, but I'm trying to get her out of my head so I have more control over my emotions. I will think more about this and post my thoughts after deeper reflections. Thank you and good questions.

[once removed]

Insom, i would like to read jungs works, it looks like hes got at least a couple of books, and ill add them to my list. maybe "dream deconstruction" is a better term for the sort of dream interpretation im inclined toward. its funny, i had a recurring dream for some time where id suddenly lose the ability to walk fluidly, and it was like walking through molasses, and my body would even slide all over the place. the meaning wasnt really lost on me, but all of a sudden the dream has been replaced with recurring dreams where i have a kind of limited ability to fly. its kinda marvelous how dreams work.

steelwork, i am quite sure that the scar plays some role even today, in that the lesson i took away at the time was not to be vulnerable and give my heart away (sure we want to be practical and healthy with boundaries, but thats avoidance of intimacy and it wasnt the right lesson, or at least it missed the big picture). it may feel disproportionate to me, but then i think thats an indicator, no? i dont have these dreams about anyone else or anything else. connecting it to the emotion at the time does help, i think. id be kind of surprised if after this thread and the feedback, there wasnt some sort of significant change in the dreams. the emotion is still there; i have to try, but i can tap it. i simply cannot dig up anything painful or unresolved with my uBPDex, or any other ex, no matter how hard i try. id like to get there with this.

on the medical stuff, no, i dont feel ive had an opportunity to mourn it yet, but the idea that i will have to hasnt been lost on me. ive lost most of my twenties. i get frustrated thinking about what ive missed out on. i dont mean so much to be hard on myself so much as to be realistic in saying i have a LOT of catch up work to do, i will grieve and mourn it, and it will be a huge adjustment, but the clock will still be ticking. i dont have a lot of close friends outside my circle (its lonely, but its to some extent by choice, and i count my blessings that i do have close friends), its pretty important to be in the process of building a career at this point, and everyone around me is married with kids. not so much to compare myself to others (i honestly wouldnt trade with much of anybody i know) but that reminder of the clock ticking. i do have maturity, skills and tools to show for it, and presumably a lot of patience built. but i dont get to put them to practice much in my life which keeps me stagnant. radical acceptance has been the key to all of it. there is hope, and i will be better, and probably very soon. ive been in treatment for about six years now on and off, and am finally set to see a psychiatrist, which i feel will be the last stop (dunno specifically whats causing my symptoms though i believe its a nervous system problem... .symptom treatment with doctors has been entirely ineffective.). ive been waiting to see them now for half a year, and it will likely be a couple more months. it all is what it is, but i know theres an end point. what tends to bug me is im a firm believe that in general, suffering is not in vain, but i feel like this largely has been. just an unfortunate circumstance, not much in the way of lessons to be learned. maybe that will change.

i guess my point is, i am hopeful, and i have to be, but im also practical and realistic. my thirties are going to have a hell of a lot to show for them. maybe the dreams disappear (or resolve) too.

thank you again.

[Emotions]

Amen once removed, keep the light shining. I can't wait to get the other side and feel good all the time. Every day it's gonna get better with effort and diligence!

[once removed]

it hasnt been very long, and i only have these dreams a couple of times a year, but im wondering if theres been a shift since i posted.

i feel like, but cant swear by it, she appeared in a completely meaningless, emotionless dream recently. that would be new.

i also kind of tested whether or not i could conjure up any pain surrounding thoughts or memories of her or the relationship, and i did not get very far.

progress, maybe.

[once removed]

i dreamt of her last night. woke up to the dream fading from memory rapidly.

i dont remember enough to articulate what the dream was about, and none of it felt emotionally significant; i know we were romantically involved with each other (i dont recall if it was reunion, or what). i know i was distrustful of her, and i know the ex whom she left me to get back with was in the picture.

there was no chasing her, no longing to be in touch, no searching for the words to say/send to her. no strong emotions during the dream, no emotional hangover. none of the previous recurring elements. just a dream about an ex.

while the dream is insignificant (or maybe because it is), this is huge for me. as rare as those dreams were, they were still really rough, and left me thinking something was unresolved.

i dont know whats been resolved specifically, but i know being able to work this out here and the feedback i received seem directly linked to this change, and im very grateful.

[valet]

I'm glad you started this thread, once removed.

The past few weeks I've been having dreams of my ex. Really terrifying ones. I'm not sure what it is. Work has been stressful, but since cutting contact with my ex about a year ago my life has gradually improved quite a bit. I wouldn't say that I feel stressed out to the point of frustration. Definitely a little tired and irritable towards the end of the week though!

In my own experience I can definitely say that any memories that I have of my ex can cause a truly seething anger to rise up in me. I manage these moments well and they are few and far between now, but I can't help but ask, how do you feel at this point of detachment from your pwBPD? Where would you say you are in regards to that subject?

And don't forget that if you've displayed symptoms of PTSD or C-PTSD, they can be a lifelong thing. I don't mean this in a bad way and I would never try to invoke fear here, that's just what I understand of these stress-related disorders at this point in my knowledge.

[once removed]

I can't help but ask, how do you feel at this point of detachment from your pwBPD? Where would you say you are in regards to that subject?

hey valet,

to clarify, these dreams/the person im referring to are not about my uBPDex. that relationship is 100% resolved. the dreams began before i met my uBPDex and continued years after.

these dreams are (were?) about an ex that on paper, would seem far less significant in that it lasted three months, it didnt have even a semblance of the chaos, and it was twelve years ago. long story short, i struggled with the rejection and never found closure.

shes popped up twice now, with no significance or emotion involved, so im hopeful that something in this thread clicked, and the painful dreams may have ended.

[takingandsending]

i know we were romantically involved with each other (i dont recall if it was reunion, or what). i know i was distrustful of her, and i know the ex whom she left me to get back with was in the picture.

once removed,
This feeling of distrust is maybe the central emotion? Previously, you had fear, fear of her leaving, of losing her in your dream leaving you with the pain of that loss when you awoke. Your subconscious mind may be moving into a feeling of not trusting those feelings that you attributed to her/to that RS. You are forming a boundary - basically, your adult best self is going back and helping your 18 year old best self protect himself. Which is pretty cool.

[valet]

hey valet,

to clarify, these dreams/the person im referring to are not about my uBPDex. that relationship is 100% resolved. the dreams began before i met my uBPDex and continued years after.

these dreams are (were?) about an ex that on paper, would seem far less significant in that it lasted three months, it didnt have even a semblance of the chaos, and it was twelve years ago. long story short, i struggled with the rejection and never found closure.

shes popped up twice now, with no significance or emotion involved, so im hopeful that something in this thread clicked, and the painful dreams may have ended.

I understand. I'm sure that most of us have dealt with these types of unresolved emotional stirrings at various points in our lives. Like you've already said, my guess would be that if you're not experiencing an emotional reaction in the dreams, they're nothing to worry about.

I think it's good that you're been self-reflective during this process. Better to be safe than sorry. Keep up the good work!