Should I contact her or not

[Depression = 72% of members]

    Its been a while since I have posted here. I have been with my SO off and on for about 3 yrs. We first met on-line and chatted for about 1 month before we actually met in person. We went out several times over the next month very casual to start with. One such shocked by this text date was at her house where I came over and made dinner and then we went in the pool for a swim. We hung out for about 8 hours or so and had a very nice time. It started getting late so we said good night and I left. was only a few miles from her house when I got a text that basically said" What the heck its Saturday night and your leaving to go meet someone else". I was completely shocked by this text and so I turned around and drove back to the house. It took about ten minutes or so to get back and when I arrived a different car was in the driveway. I rang the bell and a guy answered the door, I asked for SO and she came outside. We talked for a few minutes and I left. We saw each other again after that and actually went away for a 5 day trip out West. We slept together for the first time during this trip after knowing each other for about two months. Fast forward another two months and everything started to fall apart. She broke up with me for the first time in Jan 2015, we talked off an on after that and got back together a few months later. During this time she was prone to emotional outbursts that did not fit the situation. She broke up with me again a few months later. In Sept 2015 we both went to a facility that focused on trauma/codependency etc, we went at different times. We did not see each other for a few months after we went to the facility. We almost always have kept in contact one way or the other (text,phone,e-mail). with each other. We spent NYE together and had a very nice 5 days together, when we returned home everything went down hill again. She was upset with the idea that we were not having sex as much as she wanted and she advised that it was my job to fix it. We normally had sex at least once a day during the week and 2-3 times a days on the weekend, which at first was fun but it got exhausting after a while. She suggested that I get my testosterone checked. I was 52 at the time and had never thought about having it checked. I went to the doctor and it was low so the gave my a shot once every two weeks. She had told me not to call her until I knew what was wrong, well it took almost 30 days to get an appointment. So i didnt contact her until I had my appointment, well I found out later that she went away with another guy a few weeks after we were together NYE. I figured she picked a fight about the sex thing so that she could ditch me for the other guy. She flew to this other place with him so she purchased  a ticket in Dec when were starting to talk again and had made plans fro NYE. Fast forward to March 2016 I got in a really bad car wreck and was in the hospital, well my cell phone got lost during the impact and the hospital asked if they could call anyone. Im from NY originally and dont have family where I live. The police called her and she drove 5 hours down the the hospital for a few days to see me. When she left she asked me to call here and keep her updated on my status, again I did not have my phone and had to get the nurses to dial a special code to call out. She left on a Friday morning and by Sunday she was calling all pissed off because I had not called her. Well I had surgery on Saturday and was pretty doped up. plus I couldnt get a nurse to dial out for me. So shes pissed about me not calling and then tells me that she wants me to tell her to never call her again. I said I'm not to tell you that, well this goes on for about ten minutes, and I finally say "ok dont call me again" just to get her off the phone. I was tired and drugged up and just gave in to get off the phone. I did not see her again for a few months, but again she would text or call to check up on me. We started seeing each other again in May until the middle of July. She is a nurse and took a travel job that was supposed to be three months, but turned into 6 months. It was a 10 hr drive to this location so we drove together and I stayed with her for two weeks and then flew home. I was going to come back in a few weeks to visit her again for a few weeks more. Well we were still talking every night when she got home from work and then it started to slow down, I'd call and get her V/M, and then would call back next day maybe. I try not to chase her, if I leave a message then I wait for her to call back. Well at the end of Aug 2016 I get a large box in the mail. its all of my clothes that I left at her place. No phone call no note no nothing. I can take a hint so I dont call her, because its obvious that its over. Well about the middle of Oct the texting and Facebook comments start, so I did respond to be nice and see what would happen. She tells me that she is coming home for Thanksgiving, so I ask if she needs a ride, which she does. I pick her up and its like we just saw each other the day before, nice easy conversation, etc. She spends Thanksgiving Day with friends and we get together on Sat after she calls. We end up spending the night together on Sat and Sun, with her flying back out of town on Tues. We talked during these few days and she tells me that she was seeing a guy where she was, which I totally figured and she tells me that she is still seeing him. I ask if he knows that we are seeing each other over Thanksgiving and she says that she will tell him, which she did. She moved back home at the end of Dec 2016 and we have been together almost everyday since then, until last Thursday. Her TV went out for like the fifth time and they were supposed to come out and pick it to be fixed, well they never showed up. I called to see what was going on with the pick-up and the service tech tells me that they will have to re-schedule for the following week. I get off the phone and relay the conversation to her, well all hell breaks loose. She starts ranting and raving about it and that I should have told the repair tech to come over ASAP to pick up the TV. Well the first available appointment to re-schedule wasnt until the following week. So she decides that she is going to drive down to the store and get this resolved, and then says that she might need to bring bail money cause she might get arrested going down there. So we take the TV off the wall and put it in the car, before I can get in the car she pulls out of the driveway and takes off. I get in my car and follow her down there, we are taking the YV out of the car and she asks me why I always have to make things difficult, and I ask her what do you mean, and then she tell me to "shut the F%$# up". We go in the store and she starts getting loud. long story short they agree to give her a new TV. Well during all of this I realize that I brought the wrong remote, so I go back to the house to get the remote. While Im driving back to the store she sends me a text that basically says "I need a break right now i'll call you tomorrow". So I walk back in give her the remote, she gives me a nasty look and I leave. Well no surprise, she doesnt call on Friday, then I get a few texts on Sat, Sun and during the week. Last night I got a whole slew of tests saying that she doesnt get me and she never will, I think she was pissed that I didnt call her this week. I felt like she said that she needed space so I let her be.

I know this is very long winded and its a lot to read, so if you have gotten this far in reading, I thank you.I kind of feel stupid after writing all of this to then I ask should I call her. Our pattern in the past has been a blow up over something really small (in my mind) and then she cools off. Sometimes its a week and other times its months. She seams to be triggered by stress, she admits to being an alcoholic and maybe a sex addict, she shops all the time and has three speeding tickets in the last year plus a DUI. The DUI wasnt her fault according to her as she has driven home worse than she was that night. She readily admits that she is very needy and has brought this up more than once. She also brings up the conversation from last year when I was in the hospital where I told her not to call me anymore, again this was at her insistence, but still my fault.
Wow my brain is about to explode. I have accepted that she is who she is, and have looked at the reasons that I put up with all of this BS. My T advised that I am codependent which I had never heard off, but after looking into it, I know that I am. So I own that and try to address it for myself

I am very thankful to have found this site and know that others are going thru similar situations. I dont wish it on anyone, just makes it easier to deal with.

Thank you for reading and any respones

[Lost in space 20]

    Its been a while since I have posted here. I have been with my SO off and on for about 3 yrs. We first met on-line and chatted for about 1 month before we actually met in person. We went out several times over the next month very casual to start with. One such shocked by this text date was at her house where I came over and made dinner and then we went in the pool for a swim. We hung out for about 8 hours or so and had a very nice time. It started getting late so we said good night and I left. was only a few miles from her house when I got a text that basically said" What the heck its Saturday night and your leaving to go meet someone else". I was completely shocked by this text and so I turned around and drove back to the house. It took about ten minutes or so to get back and when I arrived a different car was in the driveway. I rang the bell and a guy answered the door, I asked for SO and she came outside. We talked for a few minutes and I left. We saw each other again after that and actually went away for a 5 day trip out West. We slept together for the first time during this trip after knowing each other for about two months. Fast forward another two months and everything started to fall apart. She broke up with me for the first time in Jan 2015, we talked off an on after that and got back together a few months later. During this time she was prone to emotional outbursts that did not fit the situation. She broke up with me again a few months later. In Sept 2015 we both went to a facility that focused on trauma/codependency etc, we went at different times. We did not see each other for a few months after we went to the facility. We almost always have kept in contact one way or the other (text,phone,e-mail). with each other. We spent NYE together and had a very nice 5 days together, when we returned home everything went down hill again. She was upset with the idea that we were not having sex as much as she wanted and she advised that it was my job to fix it. We normally had sex at least once a day during the week and 2-3 times a days on the weekend, which at first was fun but it got exhausting after a while. She suggested that I get my testosterone checked. I was 52 at the time and had never thought about having it checked. I went to the doctor and it was low so the gave my a shot once every two weeks. She had told me not to call her until I knew what was wrong, well it took almost 30 days to get an appointment. So i didnt contact her until I had my appointment, well I found out later that she went away with another guy a few weeks after we were together NYE. I figured she picked a fight about the sex thing so that she could ditch me for the other guy. She flew to this other place with him so she purchased  a ticket in Dec when were starting to talk again and had made plans fro NYE. Fast forward to March 2016 I got in a really bad car wreck and was in the hospital, well my cell phone got lost during the impact and the hospital asked if they could call anyone. Im from NY originally and dont have family where I live. The police called her and she drove 5 hours down the the hospital for a few days to see me. When she left she asked me to call here and keep her updated on my status, again I did not have my phone and had to get the nurses to dial a special code to call out. She left on a Friday morning and by Sunday she was calling all pissed off because I had not called her. Well I had surgery on Saturday and was pretty doped up. plus I couldnt get a nurse to dial out for me. So shes pissed about me not calling and then tells me that she wants me to tell her to never call her again. I said I'm not to tell you that, well this goes on for about ten minutes, and I finally say "ok dont call me again" just to get her off the phone. I was tired and drugged up and just gave in to get off the phone. I did not see her again for a few months, but again she would text or call to check up on me. We started seeing each other again in May until the middle of July. She is a nurse and took a travel job that was supposed to be three months, but turned into 6 months. It was a 10 hr drive to this location so we drove together and I stayed with her for two weeks and then flew home. I was going to come back in a few weeks to visit her again for a few weeks more. Well we were still talking every night when she got home from work and then it started to slow down, I'd call and get her V/M, and then would call back next day maybe. I try not to chase her, if I leave a message then I wait for her to call back. Well at the end of Aug 2016 I get a large box in the mail. its all of my clothes that I left at her place. No phone call no note no nothing. I can take a hint so I dont call her, because its obvious that its over. Well about the middle of Oct the texting and Facebook comments start, so I did respond to be nice and see what would happen. She tells me that she is coming home for Thanksgiving, so I ask if she needs a ride, which she does. I pick her up and its like we just saw each other the day before, nice easy conversation, etc. She spends Thanksgiving Day with friends and we get together on Sat after she calls. We end up spending the night together on Sat and Sun, with her flying back out of town on Tues. We talked during these few days and she tells me that she was seeing a guy where she was, which I totally figured and she tells me that she is still seeing him. I ask if he knows that we are seeing each other over Thanksgiving and she says that she will tell him, which she did. She moved back home at the end of Dec 2016 and we have been together almost everyday since then, until last Thursday. Her TV went out for like the fifth time and they were supposed to come out and pick it to be fixed, well they never showed up. I called to see what was going on with the pick-up and the service tech tells me that they will have to re-schedule for the following week. I get off the phone and relay the conversation to her, well all hell breaks loose. She starts ranting and raving about it and that I should have told the repair tech to come over ASAP to pick up the TV. Well the first available appointment to re-schedule wasnt until the following week. So she decides that she is going to drive down to the store and get this resolved, and then says that she might need to bring bail money cause she might get arrested going down there. So we take the TV off the wall and put it in the car, before I can get in the car she pulls out of the driveway and takes off. I get in my car and follow her down there, we are taking the YV out of the car and she asks me why I always have to make things difficult, and I ask her what do you mean, and then she tell me to "shut the F%$# up". We go in the store and she starts getting loud. long story short they agree to give her a new TV. Well during all of this I realize that I brought the wrong remote, so I go back to the house to get the remote. While Im driving back to the store she sends me a text that basically says "I need a break right now i'll call you tomorrow". So I walk back in give her the remote, she gives me a nasty look and I leave. Well no surprise, she doesnt call on Friday, then I get a few texts on Sat, Sun and during the week. Last night I got a whole slew of tests saying that she doesnt get me and she never will, I think she was pissed that I didnt call her this week. I felt like she said that she needed space so I let her be.

I know this is very long winded and its a lot to read, so if you have gotten this far in reading, I thank you.I kind of feel stupid after writing all of this to then I ask should I call her. Our pattern in the past has been a blow up over something really small (in my mind) and then she cools off. Sometimes its a week and other times its months. She seams to be triggered by stress, she admits to being an alcoholic and maybe a sex addict, she shops all the time and has three speeding tickets in the last year plus a DUI. The DUI wasnt her fault according to her as she has driven home worse than she was that night. She readily admits that she is very needy and has brought this up more than once. She also brings up the conversation from last year when I was in the hospital where I told her not to call me anymore, again this was at her insistence, but still my fault.
Wow my brain is about to explode. I have accepted that she is who she is, and have looked at the reasons that I put up with all of this BS. My T advised that I am codependent which I had never heard off, but after looking into it, I know that I am. So I own that and try to address it for myself

I am very thankful to have found this site and know that others are going thru similar situations. I dont wish it on anyone, just makes it easier to deal with.

Thank you for reading and any respones

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SurvivingBPDex]

Hello Lost In Space. How long have you been away from her? My T says I'm codependent as well. Welcome to the sight. Its getting late. I just wanted to let you know I can relate. Keep posting
 Gn
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Lost in space 20]

Its been one week today. Just got a few texts from her early this morning. She said that I should come over and get me clothes, etc. That was at 12:30 AM, didnt see them until I got up. I had not yet responded when I got another one where she said that she misses me, but she feared that I did not have her best intentions in mind. She has said that in the past with no clear definition of what that means. Just got another text while writing this that she feels like I am always hiding something from her and that she is the only one that has feelings in our relationship.
I guess to some degree I do avoid telling her somethings because Im afraid of her reactions based on the past. She always told me that she has a hard time trusting people, so its not just me. I guess Ill respond and work out a time for me to go back and get my clothes etc. It seams like the less I respond to her the more she reaches out to me. Its such a game, I hate it. I have detached myself enough that it does not hurt nearly has much as it did in the beginning. It just sucks because Im out of work still from my car accident last year and all I have is time to think. I need a distraction to keep my mind off of her.

[cc2203]

I guess to some degree I do avoid telling her somethings because Im afraid of her reactions based on the past. She always told me that she has a hard time trusting people, so its not just me. I guess Ill respond and work out a time for me to go back and get my clothes etc. It seams like the less I respond to her the more she reaches out to me. Its such a game, I hate it. I have detached myself enough that it does not hurt nearly has much as it did in the beginning. It just sucks because Im out of work still from my car accident last year and all I have is time to think. I need a distraction to keep my mind off of her.

Hello,

I am only on day one of time apart. We "Broke up" on Thursday night, but spoke almost like normal last night. My situation is difficult because my fiance, or I guess currently ex-fiance is across the country at the moment on vacation. He says he isnt coming home. His friends are saying the same thing. That he wont return to Texas. Ive found myself starting* to detach. but made hardly any progress at all. I still panic to the thought of him not coming home. I still panic because i am a codependent. My job is very laid back and slow. I work in an office. I have nothing but time to think here. Then when I go home, I find myself doing the same exact thing. Just sitting around thinking. Im not eating right - havent since he went on this vacation Tuesday evening. Its very hard. I know I just need to give him space but everything inside of me say "CALL HIM! TALK TO HIM! FIGURE OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS!" I posted our story but no one has read it or responded. It was very long but had lots of detail.

Im sorry to hear about you being out of work. I hope all is well in your health, and Im happy to hear that youve been able to heal enough to detach. Keep Posting. Keep talking. Dont ever stop asking for help.

[Meili]

It seams like the less I respond to her the more she reaches out to me. Its such a game, I hate it.

I know that it feels like a game, but it really isn't, at least not in the sense that people normally use the term. For a non-disordered person, it would be purposeful manipulation. For a pwBPD, the person is just responding to the intense emotions that are felt. The pwBPD is just trying to cope with feelings that the rest of us cannot possibly understand.

So much of what you wrote sounds to me like she is afraid that you are going to abandon her. That is one of the deepest fears of a pwBPD. It takes a strong partner to deal with this fear in a healthy manner. Through consistency, the pwBPD can start to learn to trust that abandonment won't happen.

What happened after you contacted her about getting your clothes?