Always always always breaking up

[228kk]

I know it's extremely common in people with BPD to breakup with their significant others constantly, but how do you handle this? I know I shouldn't take it personally but EVERY time it happens I wind up crying like the time before and before that and so on. I'll always be hurt. How do you handle it without sounding like you're begging for them to come back?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

I find it extremely painful and it has been a total mind#$%@. I went through years of this without knowing what it was or being able to find any good description of this online to help. Well, I am glad I finally found the right keywords somehow to bring me to this place! It has saved my life to know I am not alone in this. And I am extremely grateful to everyone here who shares their stories. I learn so much.

It has happened to me so many times I don't cry anymore. But I do feel a lot of stress and at times even terror. My SO actually has a lot of control over my life. When he is happy with me he is much nicer and sorry for scaring me, when he is in a black phase he'll say or do anything he could in those moments to hurt me. Although I recognize he does this to stop his own inner pain... .it is taking a real physical and mental toll on me. I wish I could stay with him forever, the way we tend to dream our relationships would be, something nice that would last and work out eventually, but realistically, the physical toll on my health... .well, let's just say he's put a lot of miles on me... .bad miles like the kind people put on rental cars or when they forget to do standard maintenance!  He's gonna blow through this thing (me) and leave it (me) like a heap on the side of the road!

For me, one hard part is no one really believes me this is happening (so many breakups) or that the impact could be so great (it's been traumatizing). Some people (in my world) don't want to call this abuse, though I think it is. Some people don't like the implications of that word and prefer to deny it. But I am strong enough mentally to call it what it is and in time I hope to be able to get myself into a healthier situation. I still have a lot to give to this situation, and don't want to quit before I'm ready. But realistically, weekly/bi-weekly cycles are a bit much. I enjoy the happy times, but it is hard to be "stalked" by this constant feeling of knowing it will all just slip away again. It takes a lot of rebuilding over and over. But I don't cry anymore. I just have fear. But I must learn to face that too, and not be irretrievably broken.

I don't beg him to come back anymore, I think. I try to be validating and reassuring. I recognize he is feeling insecure and trying to break with me before I can abandon him. That is usually what is going on. I try to depersonalize what he does/says and help him rebalance. When I think of it as a time for rebalance it is more manageable. Yes, it is like he is trying to balance on one leg and wobbling all around and I am trying to get him to put both feet on the ground again. Yep, depersonalization is key. But practice mentally with it now, get these visuals in your head for when the storms hit. Find something to balance yourself with so you can ride out the storms too! Take care!