youngest grandchild of my BPD dil is out of control

[grandmag]

 :O     
My youngest grandson (almost 8) is so out of control! He hits and hits his older brother, he throws screaming fits that last over half an hour, thrashing arms and legs, and he rarely eats. Anything. He has told me himself that sometimes he doesn't eat all day.

He threw one of those rages at my house this weekend and his brother helped me physically get him into my room, and shut the door until he spent his energy.

I called my dil and told her what happened and that she had to come for him and take him home. THIS time I said "He needs professional help. He cannot control himself, the parents can't, he was suspended from the boys and girls' club for a week this summer because of raging, I can't control him here, he is always in trouble at school. He needs help."

Her response was "You just hurt my feelings!"

After daring to say that to her, I saw my son briefly the day after, asking him about his new part time job, and if he had any evenings free this week. His answer was "I don't have to tell you everything I do!"
This happens if I speak up at all to dil.

Am glad to be seeing my counselor in two days... .but I am fed up, angry, frustrated! A very sick person is in charge of and controlling everyone else and I am sick and tired of it.

[Pilpel]

grandmag,

That sounds like an awful thing to deal with.  Your grandson does need help, and  the parents are turning a blind eye.  Perhaps you can talk to someone who handles special services that can help him, and see what you can do to work around your son and DIL, since they refuse to be proactive. 

We've had some similar issues with my brother and SIL turning a blind eye to their kids bad behavior.  It was really stressful, because their oldest -who is 1 1/2 years younger than my son- was constantly trying to hit or push my son.  If we weren't watching them, my son would get hurt in 20 minute cycles.  Add that stress to the stress of walking on eggshells around my SIL.  And if someone tried to point out that her son was being a bully, she would immediately get defensive. 

[Notwendy]

Grandmag- Your concerns are genuine. However, the family dynamics that involve a pwBPD are complicated. The drama triangle is such that your DIL will most likely take "Victim" perspective- as she did with the " you are hurting my feelings" statement. The next step I imagine is her going to her husband, ( your son) with this " your mother... .". Your son will likely take "Rescuer" position and side with her.

When considering the standards for poor parenting, the legal standards for abuse or neglect may be different from the standards we have. There's an ideal- what we strive for, and what meets the minimum legal standard. One of your options is to call Child Protective Services and ask, or make a report.

I'm not surprised the children are acting out. Children can respond to dysfunction in different ways. In a family,they may take on different roles- the golden child ( the favorite), the scapegoat ( one who is in trouble all the time), the lost child ( quiet and depressed). The scapegoat becomes the focus of the issues. For the parents, it takes the focus off them- the child becomes the troublemaker- the "problem" in the family. The other roles aren't good for children either, but the scapegoat is the most obvious "one with issues".

Other than report the family to child protective services, there is little you can do to control them. What you can control is how you want to handle this. Do you want to keep the grandkids from time to time? If so, then getting behavioral management advice- through a parenting class or counselor can help you deal with your grandson's behavior. This may seem like an odd suggestion- you've raised kids, but not one with behavioral problems. Your counselor may be able to help refer you to a program for this.

Kids are sharp and can learn that- at Grandma's house, these are the rules. You can set up your behavioral management system in your home, even if it isn't the same at their home. There can be consequences for bad behavior- but they need to be done in a way that is effective. I don't know if calling his mother to take him home is the best one- but a program can teach you what to do.

As a loving, stable, adult, you can give these children a different experience than the drama triangle they have at home.

However, if you truly do not feel you can manage this child, and it isn't good for you to do so, then you need to take care of yourself and not babysit him. It is important to take care of yourself.

[Notwendy]

Natural consequences are also a good lesson. If the child is getting kicked out of group clubs, he is also likely to act out at school. This will get the attention of professionals. Teachers, school counselors, behavioral specialists may get involved at school- and they will bring this to the parents' attention. If the parents don't respond- then they may take it to social services.

Your son chose an unstable person to marry and have children with. Now, these are the consequences. For him to take any action, he may need to realize them for himself- and that would be up to him.

[HappyChappy]

This must be very frustrating for you and you are right to highlight the issue. The issue you have is that normally the guardian or parent of a child is the one considered best placed to take decisions of this type. But to echo Notwendy, schools often bring behavioural issues up with parents. Teachers deal with 100’s of kids, so are well placed to know what normal 8 year old behaviour is.

Often a behavioural psychologist (in my country) would sit in the lesson and observe them for a period to get a second opinion. Aged 8 is too young to diagnose, but if he suffers from impulsive behaviour (ADHD, BPD etc... .) there are techniques to deal with that.  Also anger management lessons. Surprisingly one of the common reasons for children misbehaving is they are high IQ and require a lot more stimulation than most. So complicated computer games, for example, can actually pacify.
 
But this is your son’s responsibility and not yours, as painful as I know it must be for you to stand and watch . However if you see signs of physical abuse, that’s a different thing entirely and there are reporting channels. A BPD tends to address what people can see, so if your grandchild becomes dangerously thin, my guess is he would be taken to the Drs. But I would urge you to keep in contact with your grandchildren if you can, as this would inhibit BPD behaviour some what. I would avoid arguing with your BPD or criticising, but just being around will help. BPD care deeply about their profile, so it’s what others see that matter to them. I hope this helps.