Just Married/confusing anxious day

[halcyon]

A little background info (since I haven't posted in awhile):  My wife has PTSD/BPD/DID, and I have anxiety.

After a two year on/off relationship, we just got married this Tuesday.  She has not dissociated in over a year, but she still dysregulates about 2 to 4 times a month. 

But this (I think) has very little to do with her and everything to do with my own anxiety.  By "this", I mean the feelings of confusion and anxiety I'm experiencing today.

I woke up anxious.  Nothing unusual happened last night to cause that.  In fact, we had a dysregulation-free week, overall.  She was also off work all week for our wedding, and today was her first day back to work.  Today was also her first day at work as an official member of management.  So, it stands to reason these "changes" could be part of the cause of my current anxiety.

I also go back to college- for the first time in over 20 years- in two weeks.  Another big "change" looming.

But I still don't feel that fully explains the sheer LEVEL of anxiety I've felt today.  She (my wife) called me about an hour after I woke.  She told me her work schedule had changed and we'd no longer be able to attend a concert that our friend's band is giving Friday night.  I started crying!  I have no idea why!  I didn't even want to go to the concert as bad as my wife did!  And the whole time I was crying, I was thinking to myself:  "Why is this news effecting me this bad?"  It made no sense in my head.  Still doesn't.

She told me she'd call me again in a couple hours.  Meanwhile, I "caught up" on the news.  Perhaps that was another mistake.  I'm a news junkie, but sometimes that can also negatively effect my anxiety.

Before her promotion, she could message me about twice an hour.  During her management training, that dropped to about once an hour.  Well, today it has dropped to nothing. 

We're supposed to have a system- which we negotiated on, compromised on, and agreed upon- wherein if my anxiety begins to get really high, I send her a text instead of using FB messenger.  She hears the text, knows it's important, and texts back or calls to let me know she's okay. 

Two hours had passed since her phone call, and my anxiety was getting higher and higher.  Finally, I texted:  "Getting worried here.  Love you."  After about 6 minutes, she called.  She was fine.  It had just been really busy at work.

I had expected that to ease my anxiety, but it did not.  My rational brain says the phone call "should have" eased my anxiety.  After all, she followed the agreement by calling and letting me know she was okay.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but I feel that should have been enough for me. 

What's bugging me seems "nit picky" and perhaps even irrational.  And what's bugging me is that she acknowledged the fact that she didn't actually read my text, nor was her phone call so much prompted by the text.  Instead, she said, "sorry I didn't look at your messages.  I was waiting for [blank] to get here- she was an hour late- and I couldn't even touch my phone until she was clocked in."  Seems like a totally rational explanation, and one I have no right feeling anxious or stressed over.  And, yet, I do.

No matter how much my rational brain tries to step in and correct my own twisted thinking, I can't stop letting it bug me.  I feel like we made an agreement that text messages would be dealt with more urgently than fb messages, and I feel like my text message today was only dealt with urgently in the sense that she was "waiting" for a certain late employee to get there.  What if said late employee had been another hour late?  Or another? 

I'm on a cycle I don't know how to get off of today.  I cry and feel hurt one minute, then I beat myself up for feeling that way the next.  I know she's doing the best that she can.  I feel like this is MY problem, and I definitely don't want to make it HER problem.  But I am terrible at hiding my emotions, whether they are rational or not.  She always knows when something is bugging me, and she gets frustrated when I can't express what's bugging me.  Worse yet- she invents things in her own head in her quest to try and "figure out" what's bugging me.

So, in a weird way, just thinking of how I'm going to express (or hide) these emotions is also causing me anxiety.

How do I explain to her something I myself do not understand?  I can't understand where these emotions are coming from- not fully.  Yes, we're facing a lot of changes.  But, like I said... .once my anxiety calms (it comes in waves), I can see clearly that all the changes are positive ones, and that both she and I are doing the best we can for each other.  So why do the waves keep returning?  Racing thoughts- mostly irrational- which I have to "talk down" with a calmer head.  But I can't stop the dang cycle today!  And I'm just... .frustrated.

I'm worried she'll come home and I'll "word vomit" during one of the anxious waves.  And I'm worried any "word vomit" on my part will spiral her into dysregulation.  After all:  So busy at work she couldn't touch her phone... .translation: stressful day for a BPD manager on her first day.  I'm assuming she'll be vulnerable herself from work stress.

So how do I balance this?  I feel like my own emotions are all based on irrational fears- based on my own anxieties.  Therefore, I feel I have to "own" them, while still allowing her access to them.  But I want to make sure her own insecurities of the day are taken into account too. 

Previous to seeking knowledge on how to be a better partner, the "old me" would have decided to try and "hide" my emotions- just bury them.  The "old me" thought that if emotions weren't based on rational thinking, then they were invalid.  But of course I know now that these things need expressed, possibly even examined in full light.

How do we talk about what I went through today- anxiety wise- without getting on the "triangle"?  I always take a starting position at "rescuer".  If she is not dysregulating, she also takes the same starting position.  If she's dysregulating, she takes the "victim" position.  Regardless, getting on that "triangle" is NEVER good.  And I can see a myriad of ways we'd end up there today- especially if she's had the kind of work stress I'm imagining. 

Ugh.  I just want to bury it and move on.  Someone remind me why that's NOT the right answer.  I know deep down it's not, but I REALLY don't want to "rock the boat" today.  The boat has been going SO smooth this past week.  I am SO not wanting to change that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi Halcyon, I am no expert here, but I think you have many valid reasons for a certain amount of anxiety: just married, school starting, she's starting a new job - those are a lot of changes at once. Of course you are feeling some anxiety over this!  All of that would cause anyone a bit of stress/anxiety, but of course yours seems a bit heightened. That is what it is. You are aware of it and can "see" what your brain is doing. That's great!

It also sounds good that you have a typical plan in place to deal with your anxiety, but it sounds like you need a back up plan incase she is busy at work. This is bound to happen from time to time. Totally normal part of life. So, do you have an idea for this? Would posting here (or somewhere) about it help when you can't reach her? Are there things you could do to put less anxious thoughts in your head like listening to a relaxing talk on YouTube or relaxing music? When I have anxiety I try to put something harmless in my head for my brain to spin over. It sounds silly, but I go over the plot of a t.v. show, something easy and that has no real bearing on my life, but I can let my brain "worry" over it instead of more damaging things.

Hope you feel better soon!

[pearlsw]

And about getting on the triangle... .Well, quite frankly, it sounds like you have a lot of insight into yourself so you don't need to be rescued by anyone. You can do this! You are doing this! You understand a lot of your anxiety, even at its height. But when you are not in an actual crisis go back and look at this crisis and trouble shoot it a bit for strategies to help prepare you for the next one. Just my two cents! Don't second guess yourself too much, it really sounds like you've got this and can manage it. Believe in yourself. Repeat that to yourself if you have to. "I've got this, I can manage. I always manage. I'll be through this in awhile and be clear again." I try to tell myself stuff like that when my brain messes up during PMS or I have anxiety. I've never been diagnosed or treated for anxiety, but I know I have a bit of it and how debilitating it can be. Take care!