I found a replacement. Like "they" do. I am "they."

[Helplessly]

This is interesting.  How many personality disorder traits do WE exhibit?  Are we really soft hearted co-dependent care givers?  Are we narcissistic PD's filling our endless wells with attention from lovers who we want to NEED us?  Or are do we suffer from BPD?  Like Bruce Willis's character in the Sixth Sense where he realizes he's dead, I've come to some shocking conclusions.  But first... .   

Reading stories about the struggles people are having detaching and moving on often has me wondering if some of us are just dealing with a bad breakup, or perhaps dealing with rejection.  I was afraid I was fitting the round peg into the round hole so to speak.  I mean, it's more comforting to a fragile ego that the person who eventually rejected you has a mental or emotional disorder, right?

Then there are the stories where you read them and think, "this is textbook."  It actually gives me low level anxiety reading them.  When I read posts with the title "BPD wife/husband/fiancee/gf/bf left after 3, 5, 10, 20 (?) years," I realize the capacity and tolerance for pain some of us have.  It's programmed into us.  For me it was masochistic.  My training ground was watching my father cater to my mother who would lash out at him on a regular basis and blame it on abuse she suffered in childhood.  Instead of getting help she used her past as a crutch.  My father had no boundaries and would crawl back apologizing if he ever dared stand up for himself.  My siblings and I had a talk with them recently and it was unproductive.  They didn't want to hear it and everybody has their problems and we were well fed etc... .  This is true to a certain extent.  But the distance, emotional and physical, that me and my siblings created as adults from our parents says it all.  We stay away as much as we can while still attending to our obligations to our mom and dad.  I'm the fortunate one who only lives 5 miles away.

Anyway here's my story.  I've been doing well for the past few weeks.  Many read my angry posts, which I won't revisit.  But for me the anger was a very effective tool in my grieving process.  It helped with perspective regarding some of the stuff that occurred with or without PD issues and helped me stop all of the self blame and self whipping.  But I've been eating.  Laughing.  Working.  Doing the things I enjoy.  I've found myself attracted to other women and I've dated casually here and there, keeping things in the open and being forthright regarding my position on getting serious with anyone.  There is, I've found, the potential for good sex out there.  I've been phasing into what feels like normalcy.  Or so I thought... .

Two weeks ago I received a text from a friend of mine; a much younger girl who used to tend bar at a local pub my friends and I frequent.  We always flirted around but the age gap is considerable so we kept it at the surface.  She's kooky.  Goth.  Black hair, porcelain skin, tattoos.  Intelligent.  Studies philosophy.  Dangerous.  And she's gorgeous (ringing a bell?).  Anyway she spent a year in California and just moved back home.  She said she missed me and that she learned to sail in Cal and that she wanted me to take her sailing on my boat.  So I said the smart thing considering my mental state and said, "How about Wenesday?"  She says that sounds great let me know what to bring and we arrange to meet at my condo and drive to the boat from there.  40 minute drive.  I had no intention of hanging out as anything other than friends.  Seriously.

The day arrives and she shows up looking adorable.  We mix a drink and chat.  The ride out I found out that she originally left for California to get away from an abusive ex who dumped her.  She has two sisters and all siblings are from different dads.  The next thing you know... .we are bonding heavy.  Heavy.  Sharing stories.  Out of nowhere I'm feeling the heroin rush I used to get when getting closer to my ex's apartment.  She's feeling it too.  We are talking so fast.  Excited.  Stuttering.  Laughing.

*****We are magnets to one another.  More than ever********* 

It was a perfect sailing day.  12 knots winds, boat ghosting at 7.5 knots in flattish conditions.  I'm below making cocktails.  We are bonding more and more and more.  It was her birthday.  We had to get her back to her car to meet her mom for dinner at some point but she wasn't concerned.  I was keeping it completely clean.  We come about for the sail home and she goes down below to the head, and emerges in a one piece bathing suit with a front zip pulled down kind of low, smiling.  I'm playing dumb and said some ridiculous nerd thing like, "Whoa!  Looking good... "   Well she practically knocks me over smashing our lips together.  I said, "this is a surprising turn of events."  I won't go into details but we had sex on the boat sailing back.  Sex at the dock.  And we went back to my house and had sex again holding each other and snuggling for a couple of hours.  And this is where start to realize I'm sick... .

When we had sex, I put my life's energy into "setting the hook."  Earlier in the day she said that her ex called her "ugly" and I said and did everything in your imagination to make her feel like the prettiest girl in the world and that nothing (!) about her was anything less than perfect.  I remember pulling her the back of her hair and looking at her and telling her she was the prettiest thing in the world through gritted teeth and seeing her eyes widen.  I'm sorry to be descriptive but what I'm trying to say is my goal was to do anything and everything to keep this supply.  Sounds monstrous doesn't it?  I think so.

It gets weirder in a way.

She fell asleep in my arms.  I woke her when I feared she would oversleep.  She had to leave.  I played it cool.  "Be careful driving."  "Had a great time."  "maybe do it again."

When I closed the door behind her I was on the floor in tears withing 30 seconds.  In that 8 hours I spent with her, I "fell in love."  Get it?  This hasn't happened to me before.  Even more interesting... .

I REPLACED MY EX 100%.  All of my attention was shifted to this new dangerous little lover, who I could not stop thinking about.  To this day my ex has faded into a fuzzy memory.  But has she?  I simply transferred her into a more perfect version.

I found a replacement.  Like "they" do.  I am "they."

But not so fast.  I immediately put the gears in motion.  I refrained from contacting the 23 year old (yup).  I contacted women I was seeing casually and told them this wasn't a good time for me and I wish them the best.  I needed to retreat a little. 

I had to sail out of town for a mini vacation with a few buddies and I spent a couple of days in my head grieving the young girl and keeping myself in the moment knowing that I unleashed cackling demons in my head who jeered, "you thought we were gone."

Finally I've come to a conclusion about my ex and it fits the textbook.  I can't verify this but I'd bet my pension... (well, no)...   When I met her, she was who I am now.  She was rebounding.  She was replacing.  I was puzzled in the beginning when she would flip out when I had to leave.  Or go play tennis.  Or see one of my kids.  Every time I left she felt like it was the last time.  I would think, what is wrong with this person?  I've never seen anything like it! 

But somebody or something reduced her to a place I'm at today.  And she did EVERYTHING she could to replace her rejector.  Why?  Because it's quick fix!

And like someone said, you become the inverse person you were before your relationship.

And if anybody has a question as to how someone with a personality disorder can move on and replace you so quickly, trust me, it happens.  I just did it.



   

 

[Skip]

I REPLACED MY EX 100%.  All of my attention was shifted to this new dangerous little lover, who I could not stop thinking about.  To this day my ex has faded into a fuzzy memory.  But has she?  I simply transferred her into a more perfect version.

I found a replacement.  Like "they" do.  I am "they."

But not so fast.  I immediately put the gears in motion.  I refrained from contacting the 23 year old (yup).  I contacted women I was seeing casually and told them this wasn't a good time for me and I wish them the best.  I needed to retreat a little. 

I had to sail out of town for a mini vacation with a few buddies and I spent a couple of days in my head grieving the young girl and keeping myself in the moment knowing that I unleashed cackling demons in my head who jeered, "you thought we were gone."

Finally I've come to a conclusion about my ex and it fits the textbook.  I can't verify this but I'd bet my pension... (well, no)...   When I met her, she was who I am now.  She was rebounding.  She was replacing.  I was puzzled in the beginning when she would flip out when I had to leave.  Or go play tennis.  Or see one of my kids.  Every time I left she felt like it was the last time.  I would think, what is wrong with this person?  I've never seen anything like it! 

But somebody or something reduced her to a place I'm at today.  And she did EVERYTHING she could to replace her rejector. 

This is pretty powerful Helplessly. And truly nothing is harder to warp ones hands around than being in someones rebound relationship. So many things happen, as part or their attempts to process their own wounds that we are not party too... .it's a very difficult water to navigate.

Kudo's to you for opting to grieve, mend , heal - not run, replace, kick the pain down the road.

[once removed]

How many personality disorder traits do WE exhibit?  Are we really soft hearted co-dependent care givers?  Are we narcissistic PD's filling our endless wells with attention from lovers who we want to NEED us?  Or are do we suffer from BPD

we can be pretty diverse in terms of our relationship struggles, but most of us tend to struggle with how we relate to others in some form. for perspective, a study found that 50% of partners of someone with BPD met the criteria for a personality disorder themselves. this is not to imply that you, or i, or anyone else, have a personality disorder. it is to say that if your question is "i have these unhealthy views/behaviors, what can i do about them", you are barking up the right tree. while i dont tick off NPD traits, i learned a lot about myself reading about narcissism, the dynamic between someone with BPD and NPD, and especially about narcissistic wounds.

I mean, it's more comforting to a fragile ego that the person who eventually rejected you has a mental or emotional disorder, right?

sure. perspective is important here, too. learning about BPD certainly informed my recovery and gave it some balance. i find even today that learning more about traits and behaviors associated with BPD can help me deal with challenging people that, for example, might be sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism. there can always be "too much of a good thing", if you go down the road of over pathologizing your ex or others, if you gravitate toward excessive validation, if you use it to absolve yourself of any responsibility. 

I realize the capacity and tolerance for pain some of us have.  It's programmed into us.  For me it was masochistic.  My training ground was watching my father cater to my mother who would lash out at him on a regular basis and blame it on abuse she suffered in childhood. 

many members have found, as part of their healing process, some critical connections like these. its a difficult road to go down, so kudos to you for exploring it.

But for me the anger was a very effective tool in my grieving process. 

its a stage of grief, as valid as any other, and it can be, as you say, an effective tool in our recoveries. i think that it was for me. it sounds like it has been for you. again, there can always be "too much of a good thing". anger can keep us wounded and connected. it is also a natural and healthy response to injustice. it can help us over some hurdles. in my case, it felt better than depression, and i would try to stay with it as opposed to grieving. it was freeing to learn to hold those feelings and thoughts simultaneously. it also helped my perspective to vent what was righteous anger.

The next thing you know... .we are bonding heavy.  Heavy.  Sharing stories.  Out of nowhere I'm feeling the heroin rush I used to get when getting closer to my ex's apartment.  She's feeling it too.  We are talking so fast.  Excited.  Stuttering.  Laughing.

this is important self awareness. a lot of us go on to see this as red flag behavior in someone else. it happens, and it can be a lovely thing to meet someone you instantly hit it off and connect with, and theres nothing inherently wrong with talking at length with such a person. i think its more important to keep in mind that love, trust, intimacy, real connection, these things truly develop slowly over time. to not buy into such things too much.

When we had sex, I put my life's energy into "setting the hook."  Earlier in the day she said that her ex called her "ugly" and I said and did everything in your imagination to make her feel like the prettiest girl in the world and that nothing (!) about her was anything less than perfect.

... .

what I'm trying to say is my goal was to do anything and everything to keep this supply.  Sounds monstrous doesn't it?  I think so.

i wouldnt say "monstrous". it sounds like you were courting a girl with low self esteem by laying it on thick. i think exploring your motivations further is more productive than labeling them. ive done this. i did it with my ex. it can make you feel powerful, especially seeing the response, and i might suggest to some extent, you were setting your own hook. you cant idealize someone with low self esteem into having high self esteem. someone with high self esteem might be put off or find your attempts insincere. you may already know that and gravitate toward women with low self esteem.

I found a replacement.  Like "they" do.  I am "they."

its not unique to BPD to soothe/find instant gratification through someone else post relationship. lots of people do it. that of course doesnt make it healthy, or even safe. casual dating, flirting, all of this can be healthy as we are ready. when my self esteem was crashing, it was helpful for me to realize that yes, members of the opposite sex were still attracted to me. what would have been less healthy for me would have been to fixate on it or pursue it further.

i applaud your self awareness and honesty. it takes strength to see a powerful thing, stop, reassess and adjust, but its part of good mental health, and it would have behooved us in our previous relationships.

i probably dont need to tell you that the dating world can be kind of a cesspool and tricky to navigate. you will make mistakes. its important that when you do, you can see them and own them, and make those readjustments. id really encourage you to dive into the tools on all of the boards. they are skills for navigating and for self awareness. theyll improve your relationships across the board and give you the confidence (as opposed to fear) you need to navigate.

[Harley Quinn]

Helplessly,  thank you for sharing this with us.  I've great respect for your openness about this and for the self awareness you have.  It takes a strong minded person to truly examine their feelings, actions and motives. 

As one of the 50% I am prepared to admit that I've done all of these things myself (sadly without the luxury of a boat!) and whilst I'm not proud of my past behaviour, reaching the point where I recognised what I was doing (which took me far longer than you) was a turning point for me.  For it is only when we realise there is something within us that is screaming out to be noticed that we can start to do the work to change this fact.  Stepping back from the situation as you have shows enormous strength of character.  How do you plan to proceed?

Love and light x

[takingandsending]

Hey, Helplessly.

Keep going on this exploration. I am on a similar path as you, having just ended a 17 year marriage. I suddenly found myself freaking out this week as I flirted with my much younger co-worker (okay, not 23, but big age difference), and recognized that I was doing a lot of idealizing, kind of doing what I always have done with women I am attracted to. I am going to keep exploring, looking for health within me. I know that the way I have done things in the past won't lead to lasting respect, intimacy and loving kindness. And that's really what I want.

I wish you luck and perseverance and patience. It's truly daunting when you start to pull back your own curtain.
 

[Helplessly]

Helplessly,  thank you for sharing this with us.  I've great respect for your openness about this and for the self awareness you have.  It takes a strong minded person to truly examine their feelings, actions and motives. 

As one of the 50% I am prepared to admit that I've done all of these things myself (sadly without the luxury of a boat!) and whilst I'm not proud of my past behaviour, reaching the point where I recognised what I was doing (which took me far longer than you) was a turning point for me.  For it is only when we realise there is something within us that is screaming out to be noticed that we can start to do the work to change this fact.  Stepping back from the situation as you have shows enormous strength of character.  How do you plan to proceed?

Love and light x

Harley Quinn I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.  I'll share a few things about myself to paint a picture; I'll be 49 in a couple of weeks. My entire life has been a non stop adrenaline rush. I work in a relatively dangerous field, conducting undercover investigations involving narcotics and human trafficking.  I'm a thrill seeker. I'm an offshore sailboat racer. Ski racer. When I was a kid I landed myself in the hospital after my last illegal road race. Rock climbing. Marathons (halves now. Bad knee) I'm a semi professional musician. I do some freelance writing. Serious golfer. Tennis. Basically I can't sit still. I have two grown kids from a marriage that ended amicably over 15 years ago. They are seemingly well developed thanks to a joint effort between their awesome mother and me. In a way I feel like I'm aging backwards.  I don't know what's up with that. There have not been many times where, when I truly wanted to accomplish something, I wasn't able to. Promotions etc... .(I think this is where the rejection crippled me)  But I know I'm rarely content unless there is an element of danger.

With my personality type, and these adrenaline based activities, combined with late night music gigs, I've become, by most definitions, a high functioning alcoholic. I say high functioning because it DOESNT APPEAR to have affected my family or professional life. Nobody in my life has pointed this out to me but I've been living hard for years. I'm working on this. As a side note, during times of real crisis, like recently, I don't like alcohol at all and I can barely stomach a beer.

These traits are genetic. My mom is 74 years old and could pass for 50 or less.  This is just the way it is.

My therapist yelled at me last week and told me to slow the f*ck down. I yelled back "I don't wanna!"  She shook her head in resignation. It was a funny little episode. But she's taking a lot of notes lately and I feel like she's just writing the word "insane" over and over .

Ok so after the sailing adventure with the young "Z" I've come to some conclusions.  As far as intimate relationships go I don't think I'm truly happy without some shared element of "crazy."  I enjoy the hyper conversations and the deep thought processes of slightly neurotic women. I spend my entire life exerting self control, like many normal people. Most friends and acquaintances would be in a permanently catatonic state if they spent one minute in my head. My thoughts have been racing since I was 3. But being intimate with another sort of crazy (that's not PC but I'm referring to myself so allow me to use the tag) person makes me feel like I'm not alone. And with that there usually is a shared interest in books and philosophy and other stuff I love.

I don't think I want to change this about myself. I mean I went on Zoloft 6 weeks ago. When the medication finally kicked in I flushed the entire bottle down the toilet. 'Twas not for me. I feel lucky to be able to feel intense pain and intense pleasure.

My relationship with my ex PD was too much. I've dated plenty of pleasantly kooky gals.  But there was an element of evil I could not put my finger on. The manic episodes were unmanageable and the way she fought and the things she said and did are cringeworthy.  This was beyond anything I've ever imagined and if somebody told me my story I would be hesitant to believe them. I'll say this; if we stayed together one of us would be dead in a short amount of time. Probably me. She's tougher in a way and that's saying a lot.

But I like the openness and connection I have with girls like "Z". There has to be some naïvety and trust. And the crazy talk should be kept light. There's so much to learn from people who are in touch with the elements of their souls that others are too reserved to discuss. And I think this type of relationship is sustainable.

A friend of mine told me I deserve peace, quiet, and calm in a relationship. That doesn't sound fun to me.

[Harley Quinn]

Helplessly,

I would like to say things like 'I can imagine... .' or 'It must be xyz' and the reality is I don't need to imagine or speculate because I absolutely understand what you are saying.  I think this is where I have struggled myself because in ending up in a r/s that was so truly shocking (unfortunately it wasn't the first) I see it is because what I am searching for is also someone on the same level as I, much as you are.  And there can't be anything wrong with that.  However what we do need to do is consider what it is that brings us into those toxic relationships where that line between kooky, pleasantly crazy and sustainable is crossed into something far more damaging. 

Although I'm exploring what made me the way I am and there are some things (knowing when to bow out in the interests of self preservation for example) that I want to address, changing who I inherently am is not a goal.  I'd not want that either.  Those that love me and know me best appreciate the things that make me so different to them and admire my pace, lack of inhibition, impulsiveness etc.  I guess what I'm saying is that the things we need to consider are the things that don't serve us.  So what doesn't serve you about what you're seeing in your life?

Love and light x

[Helplessly]

Helplessly,

I would like to say things like 'I can imagine... .' or 'It must be xyz' and the reality is I don't need to imagine or speculate because I absolutely understand what you are saying.  I think this is where I have struggled myself because in ending up in a r/s that was so truly shocking (unfortunately it wasn't the first) I see it is because what I am searching for is also someone on the same level as I, much as you are.  And there can't be anything wrong with that.  However what we do need to do is consider what it is that brings us into those toxic relationships where that line between kooky, pleasantly crazy and sustainable is crossed into something far more damaging. 

Although I'm exploring what made me the way I am and there are some things (knowing when to bow out in the interests of self preservation for example) that I want to address, changing who I inherently am is not a goal.  I'd not want that either.  Those that love me and know me best appreciate the things that make me so different to them and admire my pace, lack of inhibition, impulsiveness etc.  I guess what I'm saying is that the things we need to consider are the things that don't serve us.  So what doesn't serve you about what you're seeing in your life?

Love and light x

Harley I find your posts to be extremely helpful and insightful.  They beg for a response.

The things that don't serve me in my life?  That's a complicated question, but an important one. 

When it comes to my approach to relationships, I would say that my BPD tendency to set the hook in the dead beginning doesn't serve me or others well.  When I realized that I was "had" by my exes early love bombing, it was difficult to even be angry at her (I have plenty of better reasons ).  It felt like the hustler was hustled.  I remember a few breakups where I left a partner in a puzzled state.  I can remember, more than once, being asked why I was so into them in the beginning, and now, not at all.  I don't think I was classic BPD.  I didn't lash out or sabotage.  I just checked out from boredom once the initial high was over.

My approach to this is going to be keeping the ball in front of me so to speak.  I need to take a more measured approach in assessing future prospects.  I've already established that I have a certain "type" I'm attracted to.  But I absolutely need to stop idealizing early on in the relationship. 

I've always stated that I don't have an addictive personality.  My body sends warning signs when I'm doing too much of anything.  But I was wrong.  I've been addicted to adrenaline since I was a boy.

[Torched]

I just read this thread, and in so many ways, the OP is like me.

I continue to date my post-divorce first girlfriend.  We both "set the hook" in eachother and I continue to wait for the other shoe to drop with her.  Thing is, even though I'm continually spooked that she could be BPD (I expect that I will attract/be attracted to same over and over), she has yet to display ANY tendencies.  She does have a family dynamic that suggests she could have developed BPD (narcissistic father), but her behavior after one year is flawless.  She has healthy boundaries with her Narcissist father and understands the dynamic clearly.  She seems normal and healthy.  She treats me very well but she never paints me black or triggers when I do something wrong/inconsiderate/etc.  She just says what bothers her and moves on after I apologize.  Like a healthy person would.  Likewise, I'm trying to not do the things that might enable bad behaviour in her (I set firm boundaries right off the bat, I don't worship her, I do the things I want to do without asking her permission, etc).

My only advice to you (coming from a guy who was also in law enforcement and likes to live an exciting life) is to just take it day by day with women you are dating.  Enjoy them.  But be cognizant of trouble.  There isn't anything wrong with ending a relationship when you sense danger.  I need to remind myself of that constantly and guard against it in myself and my partner, at least for a while.

The reason you are "normal" is that you are self-aware.  You know what is going on in these relationships.  You'll be fine.

[Helplessly]

I just read this thread, and in so many ways, the OP is like me.

I continue to date my post-divorce first girlfriend.  We both "set the hook" in eachother and I continue to wait for the other shoe to drop with her.  Thing is, even though I'm continually spooked that she could be BPD (I expect that I will attract/be attracted to same over and over), she has yet to display ANY tendencies.  She does have a family dynamic that suggests she could have developed BPD (narcissistic father), but her behavior after one year is flawless.  She has healthy boundaries with her Narcissist father and understands the dynamic clearly.  She seems normal and healthy.  She treats me very well but she never paints me black or triggers when I do something wrong/inconsiderate/etc.  She just says what bothers her and moves on after I apologize.  Like a healthy person would.  Likewise, I'm trying to not do the things that might enable bad behaviour in her (I set firm boundaries right off the bat, I don't worship her, I do the things I want to do without asking her permission, etc).

My only advice to you (coming from a guy who was also in law enforcement and likes to live an exciting life) is to just take it day by day with women you are dating.  Enjoy them.  But be cognizant of trouble.  There isn't anything wrong with ending a relationship when you sense danger.  I need to remind myself of that constantly and guard against it in myself and my partner, at least for a while.

The reason you are "normal" is that you are self-aware.  You know what is going on in these relationships.  You'll be fine.

Torched it sounds like you have a pretty cool thing going with this gal you're seeing. Good for you brother.  I have to mine through your posts. I'm interested in your story.

[Fie]

Hello Helplessly  

I want to congratulate you first on your self awareness, you are making some real progress here I would say !

I understand where you are coming from. Like you, I used to enjoy activities that involved adrenaline and somehow 'normal' relationships could not hold my attention. I guess I liked people who were a little crazy... .something almost had to be 'off' to raise my interest, especially when it came to romantic relationships.

And yes these were the people that were able to have deep conversations... .

I don't know exactly when that changed and I stopped needing that. I think it (slowly) did after my relationship with my NPD/BPD ex ended and I realized I never wanted to attract similar people again. So I started to unravel why I attracted them... .and of course I ended up in my childhood (NPD father / BPD mother). I learned how to assert myself and how to develop boundaries. As a result, BPD just keep away now. And when I detect them, I run :-)

I also learned to live more into the moment. Meditating and so. I think this might be the reason I do not need adrenaline activities anymore, because life became pretty beautiful as it is for me.  I never did it consciously, as a way to not need it anymore, but looking back I realize that I did tend a little to extremes (skydiving, drinking too much, things like that.) and now I don't anymore. I feel alive without the adrenaline.
I still go for 'deep' people though and I don't think that will ever change.

[Helplessly]

Hello Helplessly  

I want to congratulate you first on your self awareness, you are making some real progress here I would say !

I understand where you are coming from. Like you, I used to enjoy activities that involved adrenaline and somehow 'normal' relationships could not hold my attention. I guess I liked people who were a little crazy... .something almost had to be 'off' to raise my interest, especially when it came to romantic relationships.

And yes these were the people that were able to have deep conversations... .

I don't know exactly when that changed and I stopped needing that. I think it (slowly) did after my relationship with my NPD/BPD ex ended and I realized I never wanted to attract similar people again. So I started to unravel why I attracted them... .and of course I ended up in my childhood (NPD father / BPD mother). I learned how to assert myself and how to develop boundaries. As a result, BPD just keep away now. And when I detect them, I run :-)

I also learned to live more into the moment. Meditating and so. I think this might be the reason I do not need adrenaline activities anymore, because life became pretty beautiful as it is for me.  I never did it consciously, as a way to not need it anymore, but looking back I realize that I did tend a little to extremes (skydiving, drinking too much, things like that.) and now I don't anymore. I feel alive without the adrenaline.
I still go for 'deep' people though and I don't think that will ever change.

Have you ever seen the movie True Romance?

[Sonder.]

Hi Helplessly, I recently have found myself in a similar situation but without the sailing.

I've been pretty devastated since my BPDex left me but I knew that I needed to take care of myself and start doing things for me for once. This daily thought that my ex would be home when I got there to fix things needed to end because that idea just wasn't going to happen. I figured getting on Tinder and starting to date would help.

It did wonders! My matches were far greater than I imagined so my confidence went through this roof. After seeing a few people it was pretty obvious that I was still emotionally unavailable so I broke it off with those I was talking to.

Then I matched with this artsy girl 7 years younger than I. She wrote some really good poetry and I commented on it which lead to us meeting up.

Boom, instant connection. Things felt on fire but with that good kind of pain. The same kind that my ex initially gave me but it felt more intense this time. This new girl and I talked about things that were clearly no go for first time encounters. I figured screw it this is part of life so just ride it through. We eventually got to her house and then she told me about her Bipolar while grabbing her medicine box. As she opened the containers she handed me a pill from each to hold. At this point I knew I should have left but I was so hooked. To me this almost seemed normal coming from my last relationship. The talking continued and the happiness on this girls face was next level. She knew exactly how to meet my love language and it felt like I was alive again.

I was honest with her about my past and that the only reason I was able to communicate and understand her was because I had done extensive research on BPD. This made her even happier as she felt that I understood her and was not afraid. Things continued on for 3 days straight.

Then out of the blue she said that we were going to fast and she needed a break. I knew this would happen so I said no problem. It surprisingly stung more than I anticipated. It completely dug up every damn feeling I had from my past BPD relationship and I could honestly say it has undone a lot of my healing.

The silver lining though is that I knew how to recognize it and am so proud to have been able to let it go. It was a great learning experience that has shown me that I am still healing and have quite a bit of work to do one myself

[Learning_curve74]

I think others here are making good observations and asking good questions, so i just wanted to make this comment... .Just because I'm a mammal with hair that likes honey and a bear is a mammal with hair that likes honey, that doesn't makes us the same.  

What's the issue with becoming infatuated with somebody if you recognize that's all it is?

[Idsrvt2]

Wow, you have amazing Insight.  I'm glad you shared this as I too have become them... .my councilor even picked up on it when she said to me "you know you will heal". I had met my xs replacement while taking myself out to a movie ... .ironically his sister knows my mom.   He had a few red flags, but the chemistry and passion were there... .thing is most of the time he was just using me... .I took a break from him and he randomly appeared one nite when I was down about my x... .
I used him for awhile as I felt I really needed someone , anyone to take my mind off my x... .I enjoyed his company , knowing though he just wasn't for me.  He's older , and has no debth... .last week he did the push and pull thing again and has now vanished ... .I'm glad he has... .he shows a lot of npd traits
my x treated me pretty well in the places this guy did not... .so I started missing my x... .and here I am posting on the board again today.  I'm five months out... .I could easily call up the replacement , but I won't ... he's not for me. 
It's amazing isn't it? How easily all memories of the x vanish?   
Thanks for sharing