I Need Advice

[JoyfulOne777]

My husband who I believe has BPD is in a state of depression because of a small setback at work. In almost 20 years of marriage, he's never once really settled in. He's always been a workaholic who believes he's just got to get on day shift, or a raise, or a promotion, etc. to finally be happy. In the beginning, I told him I would put him through college and he could be anything he wanted to be. (This was after we lost a baby pretty far along in pregnancy. I told him I would wait to have kids so I could work full time so he could get his dream career). He went to school for 5 years, but only ended up getting his associates degree. I've waited and waited and waited for him to settle into a job or career he likes. I feel like I play "setter" like in volleyball and he usually misses the spike. Eventually, when his company went bankrupt, we moved to Hawaii, and over the past four years, we have really thrived (or at least the kids and I have). I have a thriving business, and the kids are happy and healthy. We started house shopping, but the one we tried to buy fell through. He freaked out and wanted to move back to the mainland. Then he realized it was really his job he hates and we agreed he could go full time self employed. (Which is so much easier to do here than the mainland because there are less people who actually live here and more tourists who are just spending money, but not competing for jobs) He was all excited and "happy." Then, today, he had a minor setback with one of the people he does work for and he's all depressed and talking about how we should move back to the mainland because he's sick of trying to make it here (even though he's making about 4 times as much as he did on the mainland and so am I). We are doing so well, and he wants me to consider uprooting our family and starting over again. I'm so tired of him giving up whenever there's a minor setback, and I also know that he isn't really able to do what it takes to be successful (he gives up/gets depressed when things are bleak and I've had to save us from literal ruin quite a few times). So, I don't trust him to be able to get a good job etc. if we were to move, (here, I have a thriving business where I could support us if I needed to). What should I do? He acts like he's trapped and I'm "making" him live in a place that he "hates." He doesn't realize that no matter what we do he's never really happy, so even if we moved, I know he still wouldn't be happy, but the kids and I might also be subjected to poverty again while waiting for him to get things figured out, plus he gets rages when things are stressful. Any advice on what I should do?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi JoyfulOne777, How interesting to read your post! I am always impressed by folks who manage to run businesses, and in Hawaii of all places! Good on you! I can brainstorm an approach to this with you if you like. Perhaps take a little of what you know from having a business and get your husband back on the team? Sounds like he needs a lot of encouraging and pumping up at the moment. My partner is going through a lot of stress this week, and therefore I am a bit afraid he will go into a black phase. I am making sure that I encourage him as he steps his way through the problem/stresses of the week and hoping for the best.

I notice I can get a little impatient at times when he describes his problems. I feel like I am giving advice he doesn't really take, or because he does not think to give speech cues, it feels like he is not listening to me, etc. etc. But when I take a step back I see that the things I say do influence him and make a difference, and he is actually grateful. And really, it is only advice, he can do what he wants with it, but I experience a lot of frustration with his processing, inarticulateness. But I digress!

Um, so, in a way, I try to counter any negativity I may accidentally be injecting, based on my own frustrations, and try to reinforce any positive step he makes. I wonder if encouraging your husband to recognize that happiness is not something you can chase down, or move to could help? If you want it, you have to improve your attitude right where you are. I mean, I know if I was talking to him right now I'd remind him that "Man, you are living in Hawaii! This is the opportunity of a lifetime and people dream of this! So, let's enjoy this and appreciate and be grateful for it and give it all we've got!" I mean, if you can't be happy in "paradise" where are you going to be happy? Happiness comes from within, and he will take that with him anywhere he goes. He knows that. Perhaps get him to brainstorm what he can do, short of uprooting his whole life, to make himself feel better now in the present with what he has?

People always have setbacks in business, that is a part of the deal, so for you to be thriving and making it is awesome! Is there another way you could help him feel successful? I wonder if getting involved in a hobby or something else would give him some satisfaction that could help ground him a bit?

I know BPD folks can sometimes cut and run on situations, and fast, and that is terrifying. I have come to see that I am not going to get stability from him, as you might typically from a partner, so I have to be the stability I want in life. If you want this, living in Hawaii with the kids and with your business stuff, just be clear, not in a mean, threatening, ultimatum way, but just a clear way that you like your life together there and that you have put down roots there and you need the security of knowing you will be there and keep doing this because it is great. You want him on the team and to find a positive solution.

To help against the rages you can do some validating of the feelings that underlie this. Say, "I hear that you are stressed by life here. That must be frustrating." It doesn't give him any room to argue if you validate the underlying feelings - that being successful in business can be very hard and frustrating, that he may feel trapped, etc. Well, this is not quite enough. I have no easy fixes, but I really hope you can make it there and enjoy it!

Take care! Hope things can improve!

[JoyfulOne777]

Hi JoyfulOne777, How interesting to read your post! I am always impressed by folks who manage to run businesses, and in Hawaii of all places! Good on you! I can brainstorm an approach to this with you if you like. Perhaps take a little of what you know from having a business and get your husband back on the team? Sounds like he needs a lot of encouraging and pumping up at the moment. My partner is going through a lot of stress this week, and therefore I am a bit afraid he will go into a black phase. I am making sure that I encourage him as he steps his way through the problem/stresses of the week and hoping for the best.

I notice I can get a little impatient at times when he describes his problems. I feel like I am giving advice he doesn't really take, or because he does not think to give speech cues, it feels like he is not listening to me, etc. etc. But when I take a step back I see that the things I say do influence him and make a difference, and he is actually grateful. And really, it is only advice, he can do what he wants with it, but I experience a lot of frustration with his processing, inarticulateness. But I digress!

Um, so, in a way, I try to counter any negativity I may accidentally be injecting, based on my own frustrations, and try to reinforce any positive step he makes. I wonder if encouraging your husband to recognize that happiness is not something you can chase down, or move to could help? If you want it, you have to improve your attitude right where you are. I mean, I know if I was talking to him right now I'd remind him that "Man, you are living in Hawaii! This is the opportunity of a lifetime and people dream of this! So, let's enjoy this and appreciate and be grateful for it and give it all we've got!" I mean, if you can't be happy in "paradise" where are you going to be happy? Happiness comes from within, and he will take that with him anywhere he goes. He knows that. Perhaps get him to brainstorm what he can do, short of uprooting his whole life, to make himself feel better now in the present with what he has?

People always have setbacks in business, that is a part of the deal, so for you to be thriving and making it is awesome! Is there another way you could help him feel successful? I wonder if getting involved in a hobby or something else would give him some satisfaction that could help ground him a bit?

I know BPD folks can sometimes cut and run on situations, and fast, and that is terrifying. I have come to see that I am not going to get stability from him, as you might typically from a partner, so I have to be the stability I want in life. If you want this, living in Hawaii with the kids and with your business stuff, just be clear, not in a mean, threatening, ultimatum way, but just a clear way that you like your life together there and that you have put down roots there and you need the security of knowing you will be there and keep doing this because it is great. You want him on the team and to find a positive solution.

To help against the rages you can do some validating of the feelings that underlie this. Say, "I hear that you are stressed by life here. That must be frustrating." It doesn't give him any room to argue if you validate the underlying feelings - that being successful in business can be very hard and frustrating, that he may feel trapped, etc. Well, this is not quite enough. I have no easy fixes, but I really hope you can make it there and enjoy it!

Take care! Hope things can improve!

Thanks so much for your input. So, I have been trying to validate his feelings about the work issue being upsetting etc. and it seems to have helped. He didn't rage at all. I finally told him that I like my job and feeling like we are finally making progress towards our goals, and I don't want to start all over again with our three young kids. He's never been truly happy anywhere, so I finally realized this a few years ago and stopped trying to change his circumstances to help him achieve this elusive "happy." Since then, I have been able to really make progress in my life hitting goals and getting stable etc. He's always got these big dreams, but not one has ever actually come true for him, so I realized I can't count on him for my stability. I basically have to live like a single mom and a caregiver for him and then anything he is able to contribute to our lives is just a blessing and not an expectation. I am tired of the conversation he has about moving, over and over again every time any little bad thing happens. (meanwhile, I'm living my dream life here) Once I asked him if he was on his death bed, what would be the thing that would be most important for him in his life (hoping he would realize that it is relationships and the kids etc. whom he neglects to be a workaholic or play video games).

He said that he'd feel satisfied with his life if he had been able to build his own house... .so, I told him in a very sincere and kind way this weekend that if he really thinks it will make him happy to move back to the mainland, he's free to go try to make it work there. I told him we would visit him in the summer and if he gets his dream job (some sort of elusive job that's he's never been able to find so far) and he builds his dream house, then we'll move back with him... .but I'm not willing to give up the stability and support system I have here to take such a risk until I'm certain it will work out. He said that's not an option, but I told him it's really his only option, or to stay here.

He thought about this for a day or so, then he told me he understands where I'm coming from and that the kids and I are more important to him than moving to the mainland and he's not going to mention it to me again.

This is only the second time I've ever set any boundaries, and I'm still not sure I'm even doing it right, but it feels so good not to just go along with the risky choices anymore. For the last four years, I pretty much just ignored his talk about moving back, (because I knew I didn't want to and it wasn't a good decision and I didn't know what else to do)  but this time validating his feelings felt much more effective.

Today I encouraged him a lot as he felt defeated going to face the work situation, but he listened to my pep talk. He jokes that his friends told him to never marry a cheerleader (which I was) but he's glad he did.