How do you detach from all of the other "Stuff"?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I think my relationship with my uBPDw is at its breaking point. Been through all of the splitting, dysregulation, verbal and slight physical abuse, been discarded... .the whole bit. This weekend she's seemed to come around to wanting me to just leave her so she can be happy and feel safe. (She believes our entire problems are 100% me).

I'm really thinking this is coming through as a disguised I hate you don't leave me mindset, but I could be wrong. I really feel in my heart that her and I may never get along but hope keeps me struggling. The other part I struggle with is all of the other stuff that goes with divorce. Losing the beautiful new house we built, our mutual friends, standard of living, access to my children at all times... .

I feel like I might successfuly detach from her because frankly I just can't take much more of the vitriol but the other parts of my life... .help?

[ozmatoz]

I think my relationship with my uBPDw is at its breaking point. Been through all of the splitting, dysregulation, verbal and slight physical abuse, been discarded... .the whole bit. This weekend she's seemed to come around to wanting me to just leave her so she can be happy and feel safe. (She believes our entire problems are 100% me).

I'm really thinking this is coming through as a disguised I hate you don't leave me mindset, but I could be wrong. I really feel in my heart that her and I may never get along but hope keeps me struggling. The other part I struggle with is all of the other stuff that goes with divorce. Losing the beautiful new house we built, our mutual friends, standard of living, access to my children at all times... .

I feel like I might successfuly detach from her because frankly I just can't take much more of the vitriol but the other parts of my life... .help?

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, relationships with people with BPD certainly can be rocky. It sounds like there are lots of positives in your life with her that you don't want to lose and that's a big consideration.

I do think it's possible to turn around a very conflict-full relationship with a pwBPD. It may never be the relationship that you might have hoped for and dreamed about, but turning down the volume on conflict is very possible.

I feel like I've finally accomplished that, though there will always be minor skirmishes, there are no longer battles. The most difficult part for me was to get over the anger, disappointment and sense of being duped by my husband portraying himself as different than who he is. However, we all do that during the beginning of a relationship--putting our best foot forward and there's no baggage or hurt feelings during the time when we're enjoying the "madly in love" phase.

The other thing that was difficult for me to accept since my husband is so intelligent, he is completely controlled by his emotions. His emotions, both positive and negative are much bigger than mine. I can successfully acknowledge a feeling and analyze whether it should contribute to my decision process and choose if I want to express it outwardly. While he's hostage to whatever feeling arises.

The third factor that has been so challenging for me is a sense of fairness. It seemed incredibly unfair that I should be the one who had to work to change myself while my husband could let his out of control emotions run rampant. But as a friend said, "If you want fair, go to the County Fair." The reality is that I have the choice and ability to change myself, while he, again, is held hostage by his emotions.

The fourth issue I dealt with is my desire to "help" or "change" him. I've always been someone who other people have come to for advice, so it's in my nature to want to be caring and nurturing in that way. Well, it didn't work with him, only made things worse. He seems to think that even my confidence and self-acceptance is threatening. (My therapist explained that the comfort I have with myself makes him think I'm judging him because he's so self-critical.) It made sense that my efforts to "help" him would backfire so spectacularly.

Keep posting more details about your relationship. Let us know how we can help you.

[Red5]

@ozmatoz,

I heard it said (written) , through my endless readings on this subject over the past 1.5 years, .  that when your mate, the pw/PBD really falls for you, love is maybe not even the right word in these cases (?), .continuing, when your mate really falls in love with you, they then see you as "unattainable", .maybe even a threat of some sort to their already very delicate personality (behavior issues), .as they already may have quite significant self-worth issues, and if they come to see you as strong, and maybe even growing beyond their control, because you are beginning to figure things out, you are becoming “enlightened”,  in this scenario, your mate will immediately present the push away behavior, but this is to protect themselves, as they cannot even begin to let themselves completely trust, love (?) you, or else they will no longer be in control, .This is very frightening to them, although their behavior will not present this, quite the contrary, And very complicated, "I love you but I hate you"... .how many times have (maybe) you heard, "I love you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, I would be lost without you”, .and then there is an issue, an argument, and you suggest "counseling", .and out they come with, " NO!, .I’LL DIVORCE YOU FIRST!"... .Happens to me all the time, .I think, the more we “try” to get closer, to give warmth, our version of love, our support, our dedication to the relationship, The more we “chase”, well the more they will push back, and even attack you for your desire to “fix” the relationship, and show your love, and support, they (pw/BPD) must, at all cost maintain ALL control in the relationship, even to the point of sabotage, .very destructive this behavior, .

[ozmatoz]

Cat Familiar, I think you touched on something very important (thank you).  I can look at my feelings and emotions and do what I can to work with them, or work through them.  My wife truly does seem to be held hostage by hers.  Once something comes across her mind, thats it.  There is no other way, no amount of validation, SET or any other self deprecating behavior on my part can move her out of these feelings.  I do have all of the other "boxes" checked for a nice life except for the most important one.  I have been trying with help from my therapist to come to grips with what a realistic "future" would look like staying in the marriage.  I'm ok with it, my wife is not.  My wife believes she can do better and "be in love" with someone that doesn't come with all of the hurt we already have.  She completely discards that we have built a very comfortable and sustainable life for our family over the past 17 years. 

Am I responsible for a ton of "crap" in the relationship?  Yes, but so is she, and that is where I struggle most with fairness.  It just is never going to happen.  A few weeks ago we got in an all out screaming match after I was accused of flirting with the wife of one of the couples we hang out with (another story for another time), I tried to video her with my phone making threats to self injure and call the cops on me.  We tussled over the phone and my daughter ended up calling the cops.  I tried to let them know that all we were doing was yanking the phone back and forth from each other.  I had some marks on my back and eventually they arrested her.  I'm trying to fight through guilt that I could/should have said things differently to the police and sent them on there way with nothing more than a warning.  Now the entire situation is my fault and how could I possibly think she would stay with someone that would have her arrested... .How can she stay with someone who looks out for themselves before their wife and family... .I never in a million years wanted this to happen, but I can't believe she cannot find any fault of her own in this scenario.

Red5, yes I do believe that a few months ago when I became "enlightened" and I started pushing back and trying to take control of my life is when things really hit the fan.  I made some mistakes during this period, but nothing to the extremes that she has made them out to be, or to the level in which she has also caused hurt and harm.  For years, every argument always ended with "I'm done" or " I want a divorce".  Only so many times you can hear this until you just start to roll your eyes at it.  Not everything has to cause the end of the world.  You also hit on a great word, sabotage.  When I get to the point in the conversations where I try to offer suggestions or remind her that we have a foundation to rebuild upon she often will just say that its not going to work, or that there is nothing left.  She'd rather be "right" and in control and talk down to me like I'm a little kid.  She even told me this morning that she'd rather spend time in jail rather than spend any more time with me. A rather odd statement considering she wants to fight me for custody of the children and is supposedly doing everything in her power to protect them from me... .  Truly mind boggling.

I guess in the end, if she wants out and in her mind thats it there really isnt much I can do.  I just struggle knowing that we have so much good but she just isnt able to see it.

Thank you for replying,

-Oz

[Cat Familiar]

Oz,
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's really daunting when you are willing to try and accommodate your spouse, only to be met with the divorce threats.

My wife believes she can do better and "be in love" with someone that doesn't come with all of the hurt we already have.

Statements like these seem to easily spring from the mouths of those with BPD. I wonder if she truly means it or if it's been part of a pattern she has used to "shock and awe" you.

My husband frequently says things like: "I don't know if I can continue to live in this country," referring to the current political climate. In the past, I'd get upset, start researching residency requirements of other countries, real estate, etc. I truly believed he meant it.

But, with him, I know it's just idle speculation. He's too lazy to move all his stuff, and he accumulates stuff like a hoarder--fortunately only books, expensive watches and camera gear.

The most recent time he said something along these lines, I merely asked, "Where are you going to go?" (When I told my therapist this, she broke out in laughter.) It was just an innocent question on my part, wondering if he was forming a plan or just venting. But having said that, I now realize that it didn't provoke an emotional response within me, quite unlike before.

I've had a few pwBPD in my life and they've all proclaimed that they would take action that would result in major inconvenience for me. (My ex would state that one day he'd empty out our bank account and disappear and I would never see him again. My mother, after I moved her close to me due to increasing dementia, claimed she would hop on a bus and go back to where she came from--several hundred miles away--not realizing that the only buses around here are local.)

I guess my point is that all these pwBPD were verbally demonstrative, but ultimately lazy and unmotivated. It would take a lot of work and organization to up and leave. Far easier to use the threat as a metaphor for being dissatisfied in the moment.

I'm not saying that's what your wife is doing, but it may be that she has created a feedback loop with you for getting something she wants with these threats. If you look at how you respond when she does that, you might get a clue as to how that reinforces some desired state for her. Maybe?

   Cat

[ozmatoz]

Cat, you may be on to something.  She did at one point say to me that I should know better... .that her threats are just that, that she is angry.  Still some of the threats she makes (and how she makes them) would cause anyone to pause and treat them as a real possibility.
 Perhaps she only feels like I spring into action when threatened with something severe.  I have yet to "wow" her or seem like a husband desperate to save his marriage.  The reality is I'm running in circles because everything I try is deemed as "minimal effort at best".  Or just plain wrong.  It is hard to "wow" someone when you give them what they have been asking for and it gets tossed back in your face.

This is why sometimes I'm almost forced into inaction, no matter what I do its wrong!  Of course that starts the whole circle over again... .

Someday I hope to wake up from this nightmare... .

Be well,
-Oz