Chose Not To Contact Mother

[Turkish]

I live about 120 miles away.  I talked to her social worker maybe two months ago.  My mother is staying at a weekly rental motel in the small town on the mountains where I'm from.  She's safe. The county will not allow her to return to her property unless she meets certain conditions of which she isn't capable of meeting. 

That 5 acres, a hoarder's dream (nightmare for anybody else), sits in limbo,  as does the 2 acres of her husband, deceased in 2003.

I just spent 3 days in the mountains with my kids, relaxing before they start school tomorrow.  My buddy who hosted us has interest in the 2 acres. He and his dad gave my mom $10k as a down payment towards it over a decade ago.  My mother never got it into her name,  despite me giving her money back then.  He hosted me and my kids.  He's my "brother from another mother."

He looked up the property taxes on the 2 acres, and they haven't been paid since 2015. This agrees with what she told me over a year ago when she caught them up from default.  The money isn't much,  less than $1k/yr, but once the crisis was over,  and no threatening letters came,  my mother let it drop. So much like a depressive... .let things get to a crisis point and then go into survival mode,  as one of my other friend's mother,  a depressive, told me years ago trying to educate me about my mother.  I was angry then.  Now I'm just accepting that this is what it is.

Someone here suggested hiring a real estate attorney.  My buddy,  based upon his own experience,  said that the one in the county was worthless.  Even if not,  we'd still have to deal with my mother's paranoia.  He's known me since I was 13-14. He saw a lot back then, and totally believes everything I told him that he didn't witness.  He said to hold on,  that he'd look into other avenues.

He offered to watch my kids of I wanted to try and see her.  I did,  and I didn't,  so I didn't try.  We hung out.  Kids were happy.  We went to a national landmark cave.  The kids loved it,  then we drove home. 

Part of me feels guilty. 

No matter my feelings,  my mother didn't ask for whatever she's suffering from,  my "colorful" childhood notwithstanding. I like to think it wasn't just me,  but that accusing my kids,  then 6 and 4, of stealing from her,  was just too much.  And making not so subtle accusations that I wasn't hard enough on S7, implying that I was a bad parent , triggered me.  My mom never knew that my son was diagnosed with ASD-1 (what they used to call Asperger's) last December. All I can think of is "thank God that I wasn't an Aspie... how much worse would it have been for me?"

Regarding that,  my buddy and his wife commented several times how great the kids were,  and how better S7 was.  I think part of it had to do with the ABA counseling we've had S7 in,  and that since the last time they saw us at Christmas,  their mom seperated from a domestically violent r/s with her H. My friends gave me props. Perhaps it is all of the above,  hard to say.

 I can still attempt to make contact on my off custody weekends.  I got the feeling from my buddy that he didn't want me too,  which is strange since his mother,  over 10 years younger than mine,  just died.  No sense of gulf or pressure on his side at all. 

Maybe I'm waiting for her to die,  and that sounds terrible.  The way things are now,  I think I'm safe from false accusations of elder abuse, but I'm still fearful of dealing with those again. 

[Notwendy]

I can relate to your feelings of responsibility and not wanting to be in contact with your mother. One one hand, she is mentally ill, and didn't choose that. On the other hand, her behavior has been hurtful- and I don't believe that our mothers don't have a clue about that. Their intelligence is intact- they have to be aware at some level.

One one hand, I feel sad for my widowed mother who is alone. She is also vulnerable and that is scary. However, being around her is so difficult. It does bother me that she is in this situation, yet, she is also responsible for that.

There is a family occasion that we are all travelling to. I didn't think my mother would go, but she's gone ahead and bought a plane ticket. She had talked a sibling into being her helper, but he can't meet her at the airport right away. She asked me if I could and I am not able to. I found out that she bought her ticket without confirming his plans with him and didn't ask me about it at all.

The idea of her wandering around a strange airport bothers me. Part of me started thinking about how I could rearrange things to be there. Then I realized this pattern. She creates a situation- we rescue. It's reflexive. What should have happened? She could have asked ahead of time before she bought a ticket. She could have taken a different flight. She could have traveled with one of her caretakers. But she just does what she does and then expects us to accommodate her.

We kids feel an obligation to her, yet, we don't like to be around her. I don't know if she is even aware of that. I do feel sorry for her. I don't know how she doesn't make the connection- if you verbally abuse people, they don't want to visit you.

You've done so much to help your mother- even tried having her live with you. You see where "helping" goes. I am glad to see you have come to a place where you are doing well, and your son is doing better. I don't think these choices- to not step in and help- are easy.

[Sunfl0wer]

Not sure if your implyimg this... .
Also not sure if it is true in all states... .
However, I vaguely recall there being some weird law about when a house is in great default over not having taxes paid, if someone steps in, starts paying the taxes, they can get the deed in their name for being responsible for the taxes, effectively taking over ownership.

Idk what your friend is planning, but thought I'd throw that out there because I recall folks needimg to keep lack of tax payments a secret otherwise attourney, friend, anyone can simple pay past tax amount and take a house.

Maybe I am recalling this wrong, but if not, be careful who you tell about past due taxes on that property.

(Took a real estate class yrs ago)

[Turkish]

You are right,  Sun. My buddy suggested this,  but doesn't want to initiate it just yet.  Adverse possession. I'm thinking about sending him the money to pay in his name.  Can't be that much.