My fiancé's daughter has BPD

[Karma2009]

I'm past 60 and so is my fiancé. Years ago, he and his (now deceased) wife
adopted a pre-teen who had had a highly abusive childhood.

I have known two people definitely diagnosed with BPD,
so I got a sick feeling when he told me this adopted daughter had started cutting as a teenager,
ran away from home several times, did drugs, had unpredictable rages and
completely terrorized the household, and even
turned on both adoptive parents by accusing them
of physical and sexual abuse (serious stuff, since they had to hire an attorney
and endure investigation until they were eventually cleared months later).

While away, she got pregnant, then came
back and left the baby with her supposedly abusive adoptive parents for
a couple of years while living elsewhere. A few years ago she had another child
through another non-marital relationship. She is currently leaning on
my fiancé financially and otherwise while he provides daycare for her two young children.

We will be living in another state after we're married but I'm concerned about
the stress this entire situation is putting on my fiancé and about the stress it
will put on our marriage. At times he sounds as though he's coming to terms
with the reality of BPD and his need for detachment and setting boundaries.
At other times he sounds extremely codependent. And he's definitely feeling
enormously burdened with the entire situation, especially because of
the children. He has recently had chest pains and has trouble sleeping.

I'm here to learn from anyone dealing with similar issues. Thanks in advance
for any input you have for me.



 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Karma2009,

Thank you for coming to our site and sharing your concerns about your future step daughter. You've come to a site where there is a lot of information about BPD. It sounds as if you are very familiar with it. You are right to have concerns.

There are many others who post here that have issues with their DILs. Even though I know she will be a step daughter, I thought there may be some similarities. It may be helpful for you to read some of their posts as well as stopping by the parenting board.

Have you taken time to look at the column to the right side of our board? ---->>  Anything you click on will open up into a larger window and have helpful information for you.

Have you and your fiance had any therapy concerning what your future looks like with the potential of having a BPD step daughter? I think that it would be advantageous to find a T who is familiar with BPD to help prepare you for the challenges you may face. Is that a possibility for you?

Wools