Saving my relationship with myself

[onelittleladybug]

Hi all. I just returned from a hiatus but things still happen around the house as usual. I wanted to share something personal which is more like an inventory on where I am emotionally, with pwBPD and with others.

Two weeks ago pwBPD broke out in a particularly nasty verbal attack on me and communicated opinions on me that were completely far off. It set off an alarm in me and I had this gut feeling that its not safe for me to be around a person who thinks this way about me even if its just temporarily. Even if the next day he would take it all back I am not safe around this person. I cant be naked and vulnerable, literally and figuratively, around a person who can and will have ideas about me that are first of all so wrong and also incredibly negative and nasty. I was deeply hurt, I was emotional but also something turned off for me and at the same time I felt a deep need to protect myself.

Im coming to a place of realization that I have to choose between two people and those are my pwBPD and myself. I think in my case I cannot successfully take care of myself and pwBPD at the same time, I simply dont have enough bandwidth for both of us. Im not accepting my limitations easily, this feels like defeat. But Im becoming aware that I make unreasonably high demands on myself and my attitude of failing at anything not being an option is not healthy or good for me. Ive put goals for myself that are out of reach. Im caving under the pressure Im putting myself under with all this. Ive been accident prone, have broken things and neglected and am generally treating myself and my body very badly.

I live in the same building as my pwBPD so I cannot walk away and never talk to him again. No contact is practically impossible. Coming to this conclusion that I have little or nothing left to give is going to have repercussions. But I care a lot less now. Ive been working really hard at trying to keep things good but then I explode because Im making too many demands on myself (and because pwBPD is picking on me). When I explode I feel guilt and shame the next day and I take too much responsibility for what happened. This cycle has been going on for close to a year now. Im asking myself why Im in this situation and the answer is Im afraid of being alone. But Ive never been as much alone as now and the fact is Im less alone when I am completely by myself because then I finally take care of me, the person I should have been taking care of all along. I dont know why this is so scary to me, but this thought of being alone is terrifying. Its also something I know I must face for a while. Last night I remembered to have dinner and I was proud of myself for it. Ive been taking care of another person for a long time. I never forget dinner time if they are around but if Im by myself I forget.

I think I come across as strong most of the time and I really am. But I am crying as I write these words. Lately Ive been seeing how people in my life excessively rely on me. I didnt realize that I was that person to them, but its syphoning a lot out of me. Ive had friends and family get angry and/or bitter because I wasnt going to give them what they wanted from me whether it was things or emotional support or both. Its not just pwBPD. He is the extreme case, the mirror I was given to see myself and what Im doing. I truly am strong, but I need to be using this strength for my own benefit and not endlessly splurging it on others. Im wondering what would happen if I just started answering "I can but I dont want to". I want to save the world, but maybe the only way of doing so is taking care of me and then I can communicate and guide others how they can do the same for themselves.

[Harley Quinn]

Ladybug,

I'm really glad that you posted about this.  As I read I'm both sad and happy for you.  I feel how you are hurting at the realisation of what you've been subjecting yourself to and the extent of the self neglect, which is shocking to acknowledge (as I know all too well).  Also the feeling of being put upon and taken advantage of to a degree by others who frankly ought to be able to deal with their own stuff without relying on you.  Then there is the sadness and defeated feeling at not achieving something you have been so determined to and having put in so much effort to no avail, only to reach this conclusion.  I so understand.  In so many ways I feel like you are talking about me.  My being determined never to fail kept me in a relationship with a narcissist (before my BPD ex) for ten years.  Ten years!

At the same time I'm happy that you've had this (awful) breakthrough moment as it is a positive thing for yourself as you deserve to believe that you are worth all of the effort that you give to others.  When you take a step back it can be surprising to notice how much of our energy is expended quite unnecessarily rather than spent on our most valuable asset - ourselves.  Being completely honest, I had this aha moment some years ago, and as it has become clear in my posts I didn't do a huge amount with it and fell too easily back into habitually self destructive patterns.  I was working in a 24/7 business in a senior role which was extremely high pressure, scrambling up the corporate ladder so to speak at the time.  I thrived on the pace and unreasonable demands of the job and was simultaneously running myself into the ground.  This was whilst renovating a house from ground up, being a support to my team, other colleagues, friends and family and living with a narcissist (feeling alone, much as you describe).  Never did anything by halves when it came to mistreating myself.  However since my BPD r/s all that is finally changing.  Perhaps we need these wake up calls.  I still skip dinner, sometimes lunch too... .But at least I recognise now what I'm doing and that it's not a great idea, which in itself is progress.  The big stuff, like being in a one way relationship that takes more than I have to spare, now THAT I have changed.  I admire your resolve to prioritise your well being over the goals that you have set yourself, as I know how difficult that truly is to accept.  It gets easier as you begin to feel better in yourself. 

So Ladybug, where from here?  I hope that you are feeling a little more ease for having put these emotions and thoughts 'out there' and have found the writing of your post has reinforced your commitment to doing the right thing by yourself.  Almost like writing yourself a contract. 

How have things been between the two of you since this blow out a couple of weeks ago and what do you feel is the way forward that will be most manageable for you?  The living situation certainly is a challenge for you.  Do you both own or rent?       

Im wondering what would happen if I just started answering "I can but I dont want to". I want to save the world, but maybe the only way of doing so is taking care of me and then I can communicate and guide others how they can do the same for themselves.

Once many years ago I did a week long first aid course.  The instructor said the most important thing we would learn is that in a crisis the first person to take care of is ourselves, as we in bad shape are no use to anyone else.  He likened it to being on an aircraft that is having issues.  You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

You've also reminded me of a quote I read somewhere that really struck a chord in me.  It said: Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to save the world.  Today I am wise so I am changing myself.

Stay strong for yourself 

Love and light x

 

[heartandwhole]

I want to save the world, but maybe the only way of doing so is taking care of me and then I can communicate and guide others how they can do the same for themselves.

Hi OLB,

I want to piggyback on HQ's point and say that I think that the above statement is very wise. It is, in my view, how we change the world. I also think it's interesting that you chose the word "save." Is it possible that in your desire to save the world, there is a desire to save yourself?

What might that look like?

heartandwhole

[onelittleladybug]

HQ and Heart:

I just hit the post button on a reply that I started last week and has been on my screen since then. It ended with these words: My new motto is "make good choices". You probably know what happened next and that hitting the post button before copying the entire text was not a good choice.

Im going to try to rewrite it:

Im still readjusting to going from a laptop to a desktop and I had a bad carpal tunnel over the weekend. Things are not happening as fast over here as I want, still progress.

Being completely honest, I had this aha moment some years ago, and as it has become clear in my posts I didn't do a huge amount with it and fell too easily back into habitually self destructive patterns.

I have the very same lightbulb moment all the time. Its extraordinary how effective it can be, its like Im thinking it for the first time every time  So exciting! Anyway I try to go easier on myself and remind myself of this idea that I have about personal growth/progress, that maybe while it happens cyclically and can feel like just getting to the same point over and over again it may be more like a coil. There is both forward movement and cycling. So when I do go through what feels like the same thing, or make a mistake Ive made before I might still be moving forward with my life. I tried to find a graphic of this online to illustrate but couldnt find it.

I was working in a 24/7 business in a senior role which was extremely high pressure, scrambling up the corporate ladder so to speak at the time.  I thrived on the pace and unreasonable demands of the job and was simultaneously running myself into the ground.  This was whilst renovating a house from ground up, being a support to my team, other colleagues, friends and family and living with a narcissist (feeling alone, much as you describe).  Never did anything by halves when it came to mistreating myself. 

 nice to meet you HQ. Kinda like looking in the mirror! Im not in the corporate world but I kill myself at work constantly. Im ashamed to say this but I did a 19 hr day last week. Its not meetings, emails and phone calls its making things, working on machines, drafting. All hard on the body. I used to be proud of 19 hr days but Im not proud of it anymore, I think its insane and downright terrible. Im trying to look at the whole picture now. Work, relationships... .how Im treating myself. I get flak for this from people in my life but to be honest so far my thing has been that the quality of my relationships doesnt encourage me to free up more time. Thats a really sad fact and its also a really sad attitude.

It gets easier as you begin to feel better in yourself.

Im glad to hear that. Right now Im in a waiting room. I have made big changes to my life recently. Some things are already better while others honestly still suck. Im trusting that things will continue to improve as I have made those changes but faith and trust isnt something that comes readily for me. Im more about seeing is believing. Still hanging in there.

So Ladybug, where from here?

I guess just one foot in front of the other.

I hope that you are feeling a little more ease for having put these emotions and thoughts 'out there'

On a personal level absolutely. Circumstances are hard though, things are really strange right now. Im shedding more than one relationship and I spend 99% of my time alone. Well not entirely true, Im on the phone with loved ones in other parts of the world and different time zones a lot of the time. The eclipse this morning was intense, I missed not sharing it with someone. But its better to be alone than in bad company.

... .have found the writing of your post has reinforced your commitment to doing the right thing by yourself.  Almost like writing yourself a contract.

A manifesto
Make Good Choices.

How have things been between the two of you since this blow out a couple of weeks ago and what do you feel is the way forward that will be most manageable for you?  The living situation certainly is a challenge for you.  Do you both own or rent?

My gut feeling tells me he know he went too far 3 weeks ago with the verbal attack. There has been little contact. He is upset with me over the little contact, yet he will give me ST's. He asks a question, I answer in an open way but he stops. Im beginning to see the silent treatments as silent rages. They still really get to me and get me upset but when I think about the alternative, that he might just be holding rage in and that the alternative would be to explode all over me I prefer the silence for sure. Im beginning to remember moments when he admitted to wanting to hit me. I gave him credit for not giving into it but what if he lost the control? And what if the STs are the only way he has to control them? He is really afraid of the police, I think its trauma from teenage years in juvie. I think one call to the police would make him avoid me for a long time if I ever needed it. So I am aware of that option and I will use it if I have to but not unless I really need it. For the most part I think we are going to be ok here for a while. He will reach out in a few weeks, ready to either fall in love again or be his version of "best buddies". How I respond to it will determine what happens next. If I am reminding myself of things and not in a bad emotional state I wont re-enter. If he reaches out ready to get some help I will be there for him. Thats a promise I gave to him a while back and I will keep it. However with everything unchanged, once another relationship starts its going to get weird around here. I think its more likely that it will be me that moves on first. Simply just because how much he drinks. I will have to rethink things when the time comes.

We both rent. Hes been here for 8 years, Ive been here for 1. I love this house. I live in a newly remodeled end of a duplex and I pay much higher rent than he does. His end is in a bad state. The landlord would love it if he moved out, hes not a bad tenant at all but if the landlord got the place back and remodeled he could raise the rent by 60-70%. He is not going to until pwBPD leaves. He (pwBPD) has been bringing up the possibility of moving. His family is trying to talk him into buying a place, possibly moving to a smaller town or the suburbs. Hes been trying to sell the concept to me Im not completely sure how he is thinking it but its like in his mind he believes something will change for the better.

Im moving out of my workspace next week and into the house. Ironically this is what pwBPD wanted me to do all along, he doesnt want me to have housemates but has been aware for a long time that him moving in with me was not a good idea. Thats beside the point now though, however I would not be able to do this somewhere else. I need the other bedroom for work. Rent is going up in my area and I would not find the same thing. Or maybe Im just telling myself that because I dont have another move in me. Between 2011-16 I moved 12 times. That was just my home, I also moved my work spaces 7 times. I felt like my life was completely unable to move forward because of all the time and energy that went into it. This is the place I landed, Ive planted seeds here literally and figuratively and I cant muster to uproot myself once again.

You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Its funny I keep saying this to my friends but I havent been applying it to myself.

You've also reminded me of a quote I read somewhere that really struck a chord in me.  It said: Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to save the world.  Today I am wise so I am changing myself.

I want to piggyback on HQ's point and say that I think that the above statement is very wise. It is, in my view, how we change the world. I also think it's interesting that you chose the word "save." Is it possible that in your desire to save the world, there is a desire to save yourself?

What might that look like?

Both of those perspectives are really interesting. There is a lot there, you both gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for that You girls really rock.