Having a tough time controlling my anger & resentment. Need encouragement.

[bananas2]

My BPDh has been in therapy for awhile now and has shown progress in lessening the severity and frequency of his destructive behaviors. He still waivers on whether or not he has BPD (despite the diagnosis by multiple professionals), but he seems to be managing his symptoms better. Now that he has been less threatening and volatile, I feel safer to express my anger & resentment. Problem though for me is that I'm really starting to let loose on him all the things I felt I couldn't say before - and I'm letting it out with a vengeance. Sometimes it just hits me all of a sudden - all the terrible things he's done to me in the recent past (that he still shows little to no remorse for) - and I just start lashing out at him. I was never like this before.

To make things worse, when I do flip out on him, he just tells me I'm crazy & I need help. Well, I am getting help from a therapist & working on my PTSD (due to his abuse & diagnosed by 2 MH professionals). My last therapist retired & the transition to the new T has been difficult. I even had him attend one of my therapy sessions, where the 3 of us discussed that basically, he is Dr. Frankenstein & I am now the monster he has created, so it is up to both of us now to destroy the monster.

I think the worst part of all this is that when I do rage at him for his past abuse & infidelities, I feel so guilt-ridden the next day, but his only response is "You need to let that go" & then he acts likes HE'S the victim. That only makes me even more angry. It's like a never-ending cycle.

I guess I'm just looking for encouragement - that if he's trying and I'm trying, it will get better.

I feel like I'm doing my absolute best, but my progress is so slow.

[pearlsw]

Hi bananas2, I am here to encourage you! This seems very natural that this is happening and I am sure you will get through it with time. You are doing all the best things, working with a therapist and recognizing the issue sounds great! I am going through a smaller scale version of this. I am noticing that while my partner is improving lately, or just in a longer than usual white phase, I am feeling more and more resentful. We deal so much with his emotions, they are at the center of everything it seems, I have a lot of emotional backlog! (Here is where some of my resentment comes from.)

Rather than lashing out at him talk it out here with us. What are you are resentful about? What do you want to say to him that you can practice saying here first? (So when you say it to him, if you do, it is shorter, direct, and some of the anger has been offloaded.) You do have a right to be angry and hurt, but we must also practice expressing this in productive ways instead of ways that bring us more problems. We both know the last thing we need are more problems!

I have been a bit tempted lately to use guilt and shame with him. I still am hung up over the sheer number of times he's broken up with me, but at some point I have to move forward a bit and let us begin a new phase... .let him be better (and feel encouraged himself) even if he backslides again some day.

I get your need for recognition of reality! I am only bringing it up in small doses, my own emotional needs, and I try to stay connected. Disconnecting from him is never a good idea. I don't yell or lash out, it is literally pointless. If he can't listen then I need to express these emotions in a way that does not read as an attack, but just an expression.

Instead of destroying the monster, why don't we just ask her to sit down and express her feelings. Maybe then this rough monster exterior will melt away and we will see you as you again?

And yes, both of you trying will make this better! It is a process, with lots of ups and downs. We can't perfect this, but we can do better and have hope.

[pearlsw]

And I don't mean to in any way downplay the irritability, shell shock and trauma of PTSD. My experiences in my current relationship have created a lot of trauma for me and it takes a lot for me to function and recovery is not easy after black phases. But I am clear, today at least, that I want to survive this stuff. And more than just survive really. I want happiness. Now. No waiting. So love yourself. Love this "monster" because she helped you survive. But let her have a rest. Let her have her emotions, but in a safe way.

[Notwendy]

I have had ( and still have some) anger and resentment towards my H for some tough times in our marriage as well as my BPD mother.

I think it is important to acknowledge our feelings and not try to deny them. We should feel them. However - how and to who we express them takes some consideration.

The Victim triangle is how pwBPD and other dysfunctions manage their relationships. From what I have observed the competition for victim role is strong. Meaning- if you come to them with " you hurt me" their response is to tell you that you had better get over it ( it's your problem) or to come up with some example of how you hurt them more. What you want is for them to hear you and realize what they have done- but I don't think this method- expressing hurt and anger to them works to achieve that.

I've also found that going back into the past doesn't work. I've tried that with my H and it's impossible. He has a set response to that - it goes no where. I have found that learning is in the present moment. If he is doing something in the present moment, how I respond to that in the moment can be effective, and it isn't by talking- it is by boundaries, not participating in discussions, walking away, saying no. Boundaries and reinforcing them.

I don't think my H would meet criteria for BPD- it is more like traits that matched my own co-dependency issues and behaviors I learned from growing up with a severely BPD mother. I have at times expressed anger at her, but if I do it, I have to have no expectations that it will lead to resolution. She will either retort with a cold " you have the issues, and you better get over it" or a list of things I have done to her that are worse ( Victim). We have also made progress using teachable moments. I have boundaries and she tests them. I have to stay firm.

For expressing the anger and resentment- I have gone to a T and also worked in 12 step groups with a sponsor. This has helped me to deal with that better. I do express them- but a T and my sponsor help me to reframe them into action ( boundaries) that is more effective.

[bananas2]

Rather than lashing out at him talk it out here with us. What are you are resentful about? What do you want to say to him that you can practice saying here first? (So when you say it to him, if you do, it is shorter, direct, and some of the anger has been offloaded.)

My resentment comes from all the previous abuse he put me through. So very many things he did while he was in his destructive/impulsive phase a year or two ago before he learned to manage these behaviors. I've been able to move beyond much of the anger from most of what he did back then, and deal with the trauma he caused me, but the thing that keeps coming up for me & primary reason I end up lashing out at him is bc of his infidelity during that period. A few times when we had a fight, he would leave and get a prostitute. The last time he did it was Jan 2016 while I was in the hospital having surgery. That's the big one that I can't get past. He has apologized for his cheating, but I still get no sense of real remorse from him. I just get "That was in the past. I said I'm sorry. Stop bringing it up." I've explained a dozen times to him that I wouldn't feel so angry if I actually felt remorse from him, but I'm realizing now that he is probably not capable of sincere remorse or empathy.

I want happiness. Now. No waiting. So love yourself. Love this "monster" because she helped you survive. But let her have a rest. Let her have her emotions, but in a safe way.

This is beautiful. Thank you for this.

if you come to them with " you hurt me" their response is to tell you that you had better get over it ( it's your problem) or to come up with some example of how you hurt them more. What you want is for them to hear you and realize what they have done- but I don't think this method- expressing hurt and anger to them works to achieve that.

Exactly. All of this. The "you hurt me too" response drives me over the edge. He is not the victim here.

I get nervous that I'm never going to be able to come to terms with what he did and that I'll always have this resentment toward him for it. That can't happen, bc resentments are relationship cancer.
We are starting with a new marriage counselor soon, so maybe she can shed some light on this for us.

Thank you for your feedback & encouragement!

[Radcliff]

I am sorry that amidst all the progress to celebrate you have that big issue still hanging.  A sincere expression of remorse is the least that you ought to get!

You mentioned that you're not thinking the remorse and empathy that should be coming will be coming.  Something needs to happen to give you closure, though.  Radical acceptance is a possibility, but maybe an alternative can give you a little more while asking less from you.  How about a substitution?  With continued fidelity he is showing you through actions what he ought to also be showing you with words.  Maybe you can set a milestone sometime in the future where you figure the statement made by his faithful actions equals the remorseful apology you also should have gotten.  The milestone should be far enough in the future that it feels like a meaningful milestone, but close enough that you don't have to wait longer than you want to let go of things!  Let him work it off, not that you'll tell him any of this -- this is for you, and if he wants to feel forgiven he can come up with some remorse

That might or might not work for you, and I admit I made it up without any expertise   Best wishes finding some way to get to the peace you deserve to have on this

[pearlsw]

Hi Everyone!

bananas2, I am so sorry for your pain. That must have hurt you very much to be in such a vulnerable state, hospitalized, and feeling like the person you should be able to rely most on in the world was not there for you and was with someone else. That sounds so deeply painful and upsetting. I can see how it would be an extra level of pain to be ill and not have someone there doting on you. I can imagine it must have disappointed you terribly and made you feel so vulnerable, alone, and unloved. Perhaps it upset you too because had the roles been reversed you would have been there supporting him. Is that right?

I know we have to be careful about how and what we communicate to pwBPD but what would you like to say to your husband if you could about what happened? What would you want him to say back? I am no expert, but if you want to put this into words maybe we can try to imagine if there is a way to make your point in some way to him? Or maybe just talking it out here would give you enough emotional recovery from this extremely difficult incident?

I admit I can't resist saying to my husband that he mistreated me terribly for many years and that at times I felt this qualified as verbal and emotional abuse. I try to say it as softly, kindly, and as briefly as possible and follow it up with as much positivity as I can so he has hope for our future and does not dysregulate. But I have needed him to acknowledge reality and the damage this caused us/me. I have probably erred at times by making a bit of a joke about it (apologizing) to take the sting out of it - out of me asking too many times for an apology and being afraid of his responses. But I really have been stuck on this too at times - wanting an acknowledgement of all I've suffered via him. I say "Are you sorry?" and he says "Of course I'm sorry." Sometimes it's funny and loving for us, sometimes it masks deeper unresolved issues.

He is in a white phase now so he listens a little and feels some shame and even remorse. He knows he did a lot of damage to our relationship.  I try not to push it to the point where he will turn around and attack me.  (After 5 years of extreme mistreatment I unfortunately gave him some extra ammunition to throw at me. Big mistake. But the mistreatment and isolation broke me down.) I know that won't always last, his apologies, and he might take those words away at some point, but I feel that he does mean it a bit. It does not entirely fill me up though. The damage of being with someone with BPD has been massive for me.

I think for me the alternative to trying to get blood from a stone is to focus more on releasing the pain from myself. To remind myself I did not ask for this treatment and I did my best (and at times worst) in response to it, but the truth is I want to move forward now too. So, I want to create a new present narrative for our relationship. One of hope. Time helps so much to make things get smaller and smaller (even really horrible things) in the rear view mirror. So, I love aging and losing the sharp edge off my memories more than ever before!

I know one thing I have learned in life is I am highly unlikely to ever get the kind of apologies I want from another person. And I also have come to see that being the "apology police" and trying to get to someone to say something the exact way I want to hear it is just a recipe for disaster. I have learned to change my expectations rather than try to change another person. Ever.

I would also want to put out there the idea that he may not now over ever be remorseful (ask for your forgiveness). He may be sorry, but he may not be remorseful. That might be emotional stuff that he can't handle, making himself so vulnerable to you. And the unfortunate nature of stuff like this (sex outside the partnership) is he had an escape at the time and while he may be sorry he hurt you he does not regret it, genuinely does not feel bad about parts of it other than the fact it hurt you. Can you accept that if that is the case? Can you possibly go to him and offer your forgiveness at some point even if he does not explicitly ask for it? (As a means of release for yourself at some point.)

Well, I hope I am not making things worse for you! I am just another average person around here trying to make my way in life. I do care about your pain and hope you feel comfortable enough here to process it a bit if possible. I appreciate you sharing as it also gives many of us a chance to sort through painful issues that we are having trouble resolving. Take care!