Food decisions trigger me

[5xFive]

Why is it always my responsibility to figure out what the 4 of us are going to eat?
Why do I have to cook all the meals or go pick up all the meals if we eat out?
Why am I expected to know when h is hungry and kids are hungry when sometimes I don't even realize I am hungry?
Why do I always have to know what everyone wants to eat but then get c**p if I guess it wrong?
Why am i responsible for the menu planning and the grocery list and the shopping when I'm the least picky eater in the house?

What would happen if I stopped?     uBPDh would be HANGRY even more often then now.

I hate grocery shopping with a passion. I'm tired of cooking and cleaning and ordering and picking up. I'm struggling right now bc the family went to sleep before eating lunch and I know they're all going to wake up hungry. So I have to figure out what to feed them but I haven't grocery shopped yet. I hate fast food. It makes me sick but what other option do I have when there's no food in the house? The round and round I go builds extreme anxiety and resentment in me. I want someone else (namely h) to be responsible for our sustenance. Everytime I have asked, he refuses. Not nicely. Just: nope. That's your job. Well I don't want the fracking job anymore. I QUIT.

That being said, I better go figure out what to make for lunch...

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[5xFive]

Made the wrong choice. Just called a stupid f**cking c**t. No wonder it gives me anxiety. I hate my life.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Monucka

It sounds Mega-stressing! I hate planning foods too, I'm not picky at all, and I'd decide on the go. My gf is BPD and Anorexic, and the kids are really picky. When you ask them to try a new food (or a new brand of a meal they like) they literaly leave the room runing and screaming (I haven't seen anything like it before).

So food is a really conflictive topic. I would eat whatever there is and not ask or complain, I offer to cook and to shop. But she will find some obscure meaning about something I said or my silence to say food is more important than family to me. So I don't know how to escape. (And I was a cook, I used to have people worshiping me for my cooking, in my "previous life".

I would suggest that you write a weekly meal plan, and they can suggest some changes, but once there is in writing, they can't complain any more.

Maybe print the plan, and ad some rules:

1. I can't guess what someone else wants, or when he/she's gonna be hungry.
2. If someone else wants this job (planning-shopping-cooking) I'll be happy to pass the torch. (I'm tempted to put "last time I checked the medieval times had ended" And "If you don't want the job, just say thank you to the person that does it"
3. I do my best with the information I have.

Sure you can come up with better rules/warnings.

This is not happening to me but I'm getting mad just thinking about it. Best of luck!

[isilme]

Sorry - been there, too.  Turns out a big issue for us is H is diabetic and so his sugar being low made him very prone to huge outbursts.  I think BPD is triggered a lot by food choices and nutrition issues, not the cause, but can increase volatility.  With kids, I can't imagine how hard it is to manage.

I've done the whole get yelled at for wrong orders, get yelled at for wrong groceries, no matter if he bothered to tell me what he wants or not.  I get told that I don't cook "with love" because I use a meat thermometer to check doneness or a timer, and measuring spoons.  His palette is a mess right now, since he is on new medications, and so things he used to like as flavors (onions, salt, and pepper, citrus zest) are all too strong, too much, and he claims make him sick.  But then he claims everything I cook tastes the same, no matter what I do or don't put in it to season it.  He is upset that only beef, chicken and pork exist as food, but is not willing to really try much else.  It can be maddening if I let it. 

Now, I am very insistent he either write what he wants and give it to me, or I make a point of standing there taking detailed notes when I have to pick up food.  I don't mind being the errand runner usually since it's a pain for him to come along at times (he's slower, makes us spend more $$, and gets frustrated while we are out).  It gives me a few minutes alone in the car to vent out loud and release pent up frustration.

I also subscribed us to one of those fresh meal you cook from delivery things - it's been good for me so far, and I am not spending as much time or $$ at the store guessing what I can cook this week that he won't let me cook.  I ask him what he wants, and if he won't eat my fresh cooked meal, I save it for me - they have family options (can send you a free box if you PM me - they want new ppl to try it).  We get an option to try a new type of home-cooked meal from fresh ingredients 3 times a week, and I skip if we're busy. 

Food is tricky.  It sucks to be damned if you do, damned if you don't.  I am also the least picky person - there are a few things I won't eat, like I hate the smell of cantaloupes and peaches, but I try to make sure H has things he wants' likes in the house.  Sadly, his BPD makes him waiver between comfort foods that are terrible and processed and wanting "healthy" food he won't take time to make.  I just roll with it as I can, ignoring the inconsistency week to week, and yes, I will point out I buy what he says he wants - if he doesn't tell me, I can't buy it, and if it's a food I never use (ketchup, things like that), I don't keep up with if we have it or not. 

It's rough at times, but I try really hard to work at just, well, accepting that I can't handle the world.  If H gets mad about this simple fact, he's being unreasonable, and so I dn't need to allow insults from a person being unreasonable to hurt me.  That is pretty much the big BPD lesson I think i am still learning.  I can't let the BPD rages hurt me.  I can choose to do my best to avoid as much conflict as I can, and to minimize emotionally how much I will accept onto my heart when I can't.

I hope things can improve.  I am sorry. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh man, this sounds so stressful.
I'd be tempted to be looking for ways to remove myself from the equation.
I recall saying phrases like... .Oh, wasn't planning on making lunch since I had a late breakfast.  Sort yourselves out, don't worry about me!

[IsThisThingOn]

Sorry you're dealing with that.   So needlessly stressful!  Ending your post on a laughable note really is a great way to try and remove some of that stress and anxiety surrounding it. Really like that approach!

The comment you made about being the "least picky eater" out of the bunch is entirely too relatable. My upwBPD does take control of the grocery shopping but before we get there we get to play the fun game where she tells me all the things she'd be interested in me cooking for her (you know... .gotta make sure we have all the supplies) then we buy all the stuff needed... .and she changes her mind about Every. Single. Meal.  -- such a fun game!  Going out to eat can be just as fun (20 minutes of deliberating where to eat followed by, as you put it, being HANGRY)

As the beast says to belle... .Then starveeeeee!

- D