Why does this keep happening?

[Jessica84]

Ever have a flashback to a period of time your pwBPD was really horrible to you, and even though they may be innocent now and things have been much better, those old feelings all flood back and you feel this tremendous resentment toward them? And out of nowhere lash out at them?

Yeah, that happened tonight.

I saw an old pattern repeating in him, and after 8 months of smooth sailing and no eggshells! It starts with him being annoyed with little things I do, then trying to argue, with me shutting it down with validation. Normally that's enough. He finds some other target to fight. Rare of him to go hunting for my triggers until he finally lands on one... .and pressing that button relentlessly until I snap.

So this weekend I finally did. My mind went to... wow is he cyber-cheating again like the last time he acted this way? Or is this just a BPD boomerang that will pass? Or have I gone crazy inside for no reason?

Something came over me this weekend. I felt completely paranoid and resentful all over again. 8 months ago he was sexting some girl. He never knew I knew. A close friend saw it. The sexting stopped as quickly as it started. I had to let it go since I couldn't call him on it without getting my friend in trouble. So... .that went unresolved. This time, no proof, just how he acted then and how eerily similar he's been acting lately. We got in an argument this weekend. He invited me over to make up tonight, but within hours provoked a new fight, blamed me for it, then broke up by text after I left. So now he's free and clear to pursue whoever, or he's at least free of my psycho self, whichever it is. Naturally, he forgot the last 8 drama-free months and saying we "always" fight.

I'm not sure how to resolve it this time. He said hateful things, and I said really stupid things (JADE) that no amount of tools or validation could fix. He told me I have obviously reached my limit, he knows he's difficult, can't be who I want him to be, on and on. Maybe he is right. There has been so much improvement overall, with longer and longer stretches of peace, but after 8 years of this we keep ending up right back here. As if no progress was ever made. I've tried everything. Nothing prevents this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[coworkerfriend]

Hi Jessica - I was thinking about you a few weeks ago and had hoped that since you weren't posting much, things were going well for you. 

I often have flashbacks to horrible times that had happened and for me, it has been happening more frequently.  I got into a massive fight with my pwBPD on Saturday - he knows how to push all my triggers and I couldn't stop myself from fighting with him.  I felt horrible afterward - not just because of the fight but because I have to accept that this is my life with him.  My pwBPD always says that he is too difficult to deal with - that my life would be better without him -and that is why he rejects me and picks fights with me.  He tells me that we are never happy - forgetting the good times that we had hours before. 

I know the feeling that no progress has been made - I feel like I have tried everything.  It is very hard for me to give up on us but nothing ever prevents the dysregulation.  My pwBPD quit therapy months ago and any hope I had that we could have sustained improvement is gone.

I don't have any words of wisdom but I am right there with you.  We have been together over 8 years and actually the last 6 months or so, he seems to have gotten worse.  Or maybe not worse but his ability to sustain a good period in his head is less and less.  It used to be months, then it was weeks and now it is down to days.  He can't go more than a few days until he slips into a bad place in his head.   Logically, I know it isn't me - but it has taken its toll.   

[Jessica84]

Hey coworkerfriend - Good to see you, but sorry you are dealing with the same.

I have mostly accepted he WILL dysregulate. I don't try to prevent it, as much as deflect it from me. He has colleagues, staff, family members and social media to pick plenty of fights. I validate and support him when he's warring with someone else, and even keep it flowing when he turns on me. BUT-- if he's LOOKING for a FIGHT with me, he'll create one no matter what I do.

Got mad at me all week - over nothing. Didn't like my driving, I fell asleep early (no sex), I didn't want to swim because water was too cold, didn't respond to text fast enough... .Friday night he blew up at me for ordering a #9 on a takeout order. Seriously. The girl on phone asked him what kind of soup, brown/white rice, egg roll/spring roll, and he LOST it. Threw the phone at me since I ordered something "complicated". Seriously? Few hours later, he storms off to another room because I accidentally drop the remote on the floor. It made a loud bang and he thought I was mad. Fast-forward to him sleeping on the couch. Then Saturday morning, when I had enough. Then 3 days silence. Then Monday "let's make up", 2 hours later "let's break up". That's a person LOOKING for trouble. And yeah, it's all MY fault.

[Santi83]

it's all MY fault.

I have that same problem with my girlfriend "everything is my fault" even when it's not my fault she blame me.

Like the other day I bought her a new phone with a very thick protector screen. Days later I went to give her a kiss, so accidentally i drop her phone to the floor (carpet floor) I didn't pay attention on that, neither her so I left to work and the very next day her phone has a crack on the protector screen and she was blaming me about it, I check the phone and the case of the phone had a hitting mark like she throw the phone very hard and hit i don't know what. I didn't say nothing to not make a mess.

I caught her lying more than ones on me like the worst one and I'm really scare of what she is capable to do was blaming me about a bladder infection she has from his ex 2 weeks before I met her (obviously she didn't told me that) I found out a conversation with his ex of 3 days before I met her, the conversation was very clear she telling him... .

"I'm at the doctor, I'm not pregnant but you give me a bladder infection"
 She told me that she was not sexually active for a long time (2 years).

I don't know if lying like this is part of the personality of BPD or she just is a freaking liar

[lostandconfused6]

Sorry all of you are going through this unfortunately i relate all to well


We have been great he's making so much effort but little things happen and my memories of the things hes done to me are triggered I do my best not to speak of it and hope they pass and go away but sometimes he pushes me and the hurt and anger come out. Yesterday we were having a seemingly normal conversation on the phone and i had said something in regards to how sometimes his behaviors take me back to a time when he wasn't being honest with me. Then he goes on this huge rant about how i never should have gone through his phone A YEAR AND A HALF AGO (yes a year and a half ago) and i should have taken his word when i asked if he was speaking to the girl from his past. He said even though i found something it doesn't matter. I said but your "word" was lies and of course he continued belittling me and saying more hurtful things like " i handled things the way i have because you went through my phone that 1 time". Then says no matter what i do you'll never forget what happened and i'll pay for it every day of my life i said no that's a lie we haven't spoken of this is in about a month and he said whatever i'll pay for it from time to time and i'm not going by your list of demands (his fav thing to say when i tell him i want something) to get your trust back i want you to just take my word for things and when you do i'll start giving you what you want... .like excuse my french but What the heck

I was literally in shock when he said those things he later calmed down and said he phrased a few things wrong and didn't mean them how they sounded but that was the most hurtful things he's said to me since march

[Jessica84]

I don't know if it's "lies" or if their minds have distorted the truth and they believe it ? That's the rub. I get confused as to what is an intentional deception versus an honest belief in the distortion. It ends up being 2 people arguing 2 different sets of facts. Twilight zone. Nothing will ever get resolved that way.

I also don't know how to truly let things from the past go. I mean, most of us don't think of the past every day or even all that often. But once there's a trigger, there it is! Same problem as above... .distortion of memories, 2 different set of facts... .And even if both of our memories are on the same page with same facts, it's that we can let it go or we'll never let them live it down. No apologies, just "get over it" or else. Same result... .nothing gets resolved. Maybe if these old wounds were resolved properly the first time, or at all, they wouldn't keep re-opening.

[Radcliff]

nothing gets resolved.

Jessica84, I think you hit the nail on the head here.  We never get resolution, so we can never move on.  Our anger lingers. 

Another issue is that the hurtful events keep continuing.  In your original post, you mentioned that your reaction didn't just come out of the blue, it was when you saw hints of an old pattern repeating.  Even if it turned out that nothing was happening, your radar detected potential trouble on the horizon.  This is not dysfunction, this is a survival skill.  The problem is, it can also get in the way.  On a bad day, our strong reaction to a radar alarm could create a self fulfilling prophecy, weaking our tools, and leading to our partner spiraling.

For me, if I see certain signs in my wife, I wonder if we're headed for extreme verbal abuse, harrassment, and sometimes physical abuse halfway through the night, with my work clothes, car keys, and computer being stolen.  I feel physically shaky, and then angry, and if I'm not careful I'll be a jerk and she'll dysregulate.

Here's what I do, that seems to help.  I acknowledge the validity of my fear, and my anger at her.  (Just in case, I may take precautions to address the potentially real risk, which for me means hiding my work computer and a change of clothes).  Then I try to turn off the radar alarm.  I breathe deeply.  I recognize that we may or may not be headed for trouble, but if I allow it to, my reaction can guarantee that we get trouble.  Then I try to separate my anger about the abuse from my feelings/posture towards my wife at the immediate moment -- maybe this works because it feels like there are two of her!  I'll put that anger onto Mrs. Hyde, give my wife the benefit of the doubt with some patience and warmth, and hope I'll be spending the evening with Dr. Jekyll.  I like this approach because it does not require me to deny my feelings or the possibility that something bad really is about to happen, but it follows up with an "opposite" reaction that calms me and helps keep me from making things worse.

[formflier]

Hey Jessica!

Been a while since we chatted. 

Let me break a rule and "invalidate" you a bit.

It seems you "feel" like you are back at the very same place, but... .from where I sit... .it doesn't look like it to me.

Perhaps said more accurately, you feel you go back to the same place... .but you stay there for less amount of time.

Does that seem "more accurate".

Steps back are frustrating (to be polite).  I would like you to be deliberate about looking at the big picture.

I also want you to be deliberate about focusing on the "kernels of truth" that he spoke about not being who you want and need.

I wouldn't presume to tell you which way to decide.  My hope is that you look at the full picture... .when you decide. 

Hang tight!

FF

[Notwendy]

I can relate to this- our patterns are well learned. I think we can make improvements in our relationships but mostly this comes from our working on our side of the situation and dealing with our partners better. We have patterns that match theirs in some way- and they are who they are- people with BPD.

The sexting ( or drinking, or porn, or drugs or any number of things people do to escape their feelings) is an activity that is an escape from their own painful feelings. If we are co-dependent- we use focusing on the other person as our "escape". These activities have nothing to do with their partner. ( even if they blame their partner for them )I think it is well known that people can fall off the wagon with such activities. It takes work and commitment and support to remain emotionally sober. I also think we can have empathy for them if we are co-dependent and realize we do basically the same thing when we over focus on them. However, empathy doesn't mean we tolerate the behavior if it isn't something we want in a relationship.

I don't know if he is sexting or not. There is probably no way to know unless he says so, or someone sees it and tells you. This isn't something you can control. I think it can be a boundary for you- but that is your decision about what to do with that.

These times are tough, but I see it as a cycle. It gets better but we sometimes return to the pattern. I like this poem about personal change. The last part- walking down a different street doesn't have to mean leaving. It can also mean we don't react to the situation in the same way. Our part has changed. In this sense, I agree with FF that you may not be going backwards- this time, you see the hole when you didn't see it before.

www.mymeditativemoments.com/realization-for-change/

[lostandconfused6]

Jessica84, I think you hit the nail on the head here.  We never get resolution, so we can never move on.  Our anger lingers. 

Another issue is that the hurtful events keep continuing.  In your original post, you mentioned that your reaction didn't just come out of the blue, it was when you saw hints of an old pattern repeating.  Even if it turned out that nothing was happening, your radar detected potential trouble on the horizon.  This is not dysfunction, this is a survival skill.  The problem is, it can also get in the way.  On a bad day, our strong reaction to a radar alarm could create a self fulfilling prophecy, weaking our tools, and leading to our partner spiraling.

For me, if I see certain signs in my wife, I wonder if we're headed for extreme verbal abuse, harrassment, and sometimes physical abuse halfway through the night, with my work clothes, car keys, and computer being stolen.  I feel physically shaky, and then angry, and if I'm not careful I'll be a jerk and she'll dysregulate.

Here's what I do, that seems to help.  I acknowledge the validity of my fear, and my anger at her.  (Just in case, I may take precautions to address the potentially real risk, which for me means hiding my work computer and a change of clothes).  Then I try to turn off the radar alarm.  I breathe deeply.  I recognize that we may or may not be headed for trouble, but if I allow it to, my reaction can guarantee that we get trouble.  Then I try to separate my anger about the abuse from my feelings/posture towards my wife at the immediate moment -- maybe this works because it feels like there are two of her!  I'll put that anger onto Mrs. Hyde, give my wife the benefit of the doubt with some patience and warmth, and hope I'll be spending the evening with Dr. Jekyll.  I like this approach because it does not require me to deny my feelings or the possibility that something bad really is about to happen, but it follows up with an "opposite" reaction that calms me and helps keep me from making things worse.

So much of this is stuff that my BPDbf tells me especially the self fulfilling prophecy part... .he says i do it to myself all the time with our "situation" from the past

He also tells me sometimes when his behaviors change it's because mine have and he feeds off it... .mine tend to change when i'm triggered and remember things from that "situation" i try to be more mindful of it but it's hard

[formflier]

this time, you see the hole when you didn't see it before.

 

I like this... .and also can see this, knowing what I know of Jessica's story.

 
FF

[Jessica84]

Wow! Thank you all! So much! Great advice and insight.

I love it when FF "invalidates" me.    Sometimes I need that.  Most days, I think I've got a good handle on the big picture.  I accept him for the loving/awful person he is.  Things like this normally blow over before they have the chance to blow UP because his weirdness and provocations don't "get to me" as much anymore.  So... .all is back to abnormal... .for now. 

Fear = some new moron has batted her eyes at him so he's trying to provoke a fight to justify a breakup. (Historically, this is a valid fear)

Reality = he had stress at work. He was trying to provoke a fight to release his own angst. My mind went wiggity whack and forgot my BPD tools.

That hole poem was helpful, and applicable. Thank you notwendy. I see where I sabotaged myself there.  Ahh but that old familiar sidewalk... .the street of old wounds.  I try not to re-live them but they creep back in like... .Hellloo... .remember when he did THIS?        ... .aaaaand  I go and cause a full dysregulation when he's already on the cusp of one.

I need to learn to soothe myself better in those  moments - when I can't turn off that radar like aj1947 mentioned. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I go into wild thoughts of yesteryear, my imagination runs amok until I'm seething. And BPD-esque. Ick!