Calm before the storm...

[IsThisThingOn]

Has anyone here been able to predict "the storm" ?  I feel as though I've reached a point with my upwBPD that I can now sense when she is beginning to dysregulate. When a BPD Storm cloud is about to hit. Often it starts very low key... .the way she is texting me or how she responds to things during conversation. Conversation that, at that point, is perfectly calm and even pleasant. It's this eerie feeling that washes over me and makes me cautious. Think:  soldier ready to fall back into his fort for duck and cover.

I'm curious as to if anyone else feels this way?  I'm trying to be more mindful of whether I am actually predicting the impending storm or if by me suspecting one coming I am in fact effectively and subconsciously lighting the fuse.

SO... .the question here really is:  Am I preparing to guide the ship safely to harbor or did I just drive it straight into the storm?


Thoughts and experiences appreciated

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi, I get what you are saying, but I don't think you can know for sure, least of all we can't guess from the distance if you are right or not.

That's the kind of thing that can get you thinking in circles and not get you anywhere. When in doubt, take facts and not judgements. Most guesses usually lead to misunderstandings and disregulation.

Thinking about this helps you calm your emotions, or does it make you a bit nervous and jumpy expecting a fight?

Do you respond better to her when you have guessed a storm was coming? Can you make it last less then?

There is a shift in the point of view, from "Am I right?" to ":)oes this work?" That maybe can help you.

The debate could be interesting, but maybe it would be more helpful to keep things simple "do what works".

[Tattered Heart]

Hi, I get what you are saying, but I don't think you can know for sure, least of all we can't guess from the distance if you are right or not.

That's the kind of thing that can get you thinking in circles and not get you anywhere. When in doubt, take facts and not judgements. Most guesses usually lead to misunderstandings and disregulation.

Thinking about this helps you calm your emotions, or does it make you a bit nervous and jumpy expecting a fight?

Do you respond better to her when you have guessed a storm was coming? Can you make it last less then?

There is a shift in the point of view, from "Am I right?" to ":)oes this work?" That maybe can help you.

The debate could be interesting, but maybe it would be more helpful to keep things simple "do what works".

Great questions. I think that we often do know when things are beginning to go south. For my H it's a change in his speech patterns and subjects that he talks about. In the past I would use these times to begin walking on egg shells, trying to calm him, and trying to avoid. Now, when I sense these things, I use it as a reminder that I need to make sure I am validating, listening to him, and becoming aware of my own response more. We can't stop the storm, but we can decide how we will ride the storm out.

[IsThisThingOn]

Thinking about this helps you calm your emotions, or does it make you a bit nervous and jumpy expecting a fight?

Do you respond better to her when you have guessed a storm was coming? Can you make it last less then?

There is a shift in the point of view, from "Am I right?" to ":)oes this work?" That maybe can help you.

Solid food for thought... .

In the past it would make me nervous and jumpy. I'd put on my war gear and prepare to weather the storm. I feel as though I had started to pick up on different patterns that occurred right beforehand but I would freeze, my mind would start to panic, and before you knew it we were right in the eye of the storm and I was completely unprepared.  Now, as Tattered Heart mentioned, I've learned to start preparing myself to use the tools I've learned here and other sources. The mental preparation helps ensure I can properly evaluate what is going on IF it does lead to a storm.

It does work. That much I can see. I think I may have just answered my own question in writing this response... .maybe what I need to do is practice on making sure I'm reading the signs correctly more often than not. It's when I misread the pattern that I prepare without anything to prepare for and then find myself getting antsy when it never arrives... .which leads to it arriving. If that makes sense?

For my H it's a change in his speech patterns and subjects that he talks about.

This is interesting.  I see this exact thing with my upwBPD. Sometimes it's coupled with her being exceptionally quiet.  Other times there is clear irritation with just about everything and everyone (usually not me at this point, she'll even go out of her way to let me know I'm the only thing NOT irritating her). When she is clearly irritated she'll eventually end up talking to me and sharing her thoughts and feelings about the real reason shes irritated. To be fair, it also usually does not have anything to do with me. It is very obvious during those times though that she has been ruminating for quite some time... .possibly longer than I even took notice and only then, with what seems like no rhyme or reason, she has the urge to let the pot spill over.  Lately this hasnt led to turning it on me. I think having the chance to prepare the tools and skills I've learned has helped. In the past... .it would go from "you're the only thing NOT irritating me" to full blown rage at me... for things that werent even mentioned or expressed in what she was saying.  Clear sign I wasnt approaching things correctly?

- D