Mom issues

[Sprinkledinkles]

Hi everyone, this is my first post, I'm here about my relationship with my mom and seeking advice on how to avoid getting my feelings hurt by her, to let go with love. To stop feeling used and ignored. I'm grown, 36 yr old Mom of 2 amazing kids. I need to be independent from my mom emotionally. To stop caring what she does to me or rather doesn't do... .I guess both. I struggle if I'm the one with issues or her because I question everything and normally try to see the good in everyone. I could very well be the one with issues or maybe have issues as well as her. It's confusing.

[Turkish]

Hi mom of two amazing kids,

How is it that your mother is using and ignoring you?

Hope to hear more and how at can support you 

Turkish

[Sprinkledinkles]

Thx for responding Turkish. I feel used because she's needing help with her house and I can see the manipulation in her comments ex: I can't list the house without such and such done, maybe I should just contract it out, I'm so broke i don't know how I'm going to live, I wish I died instead of your dad, I'm off on a road trip your sister knows where the will is... .that's just this past couple days. Meanwhile we have completely gutted our house and would like to be in by winter.

I feel ignored when I tell her something really meaningful to me and she doesn't even acknowledge it or turns it around to something similar about herself. If I send anything meaningful to me that wouldn't pertain to her she doesn't respond. It was my first Father's Day without my dad and she didn't call to see how I was doing but went ahead and posted a first Father's Day without your husband thing on fb. I've told her I know his passing affects her most, her life was uprooted and changed completely whereas mine goes on as is sans my beloved dad. Saying that wasn't permission to dismiss my grief.

I've also caught her in lies, my uncle called me a few months ago and told me to take it easy on my mom and to call her sometime... my mom and I had been talking daily at that point and I believe I was and have been very understanding and empathize with her greatly. It's also feels now like I'm her therapist, picks up the phone when she's hurting but everyone else gets the good side. The phone calls are dreaded, I never answer when she calls so I can mentally prepare myself for the gloom, manipulation and guilting.

She feels me pulling back and that's when I get the concerned helpful Mom that I crave but it's empty chatter that I'm finally learning not to count on. She doesn't ask about my kids, they aren't girls so no interest (?). I've taken my sons there twice since my dad's passing, before his passing there was no contact with anger. Both times she showed zero interest and didn't give them attention, my oldest didn't care but my youngest did. It was all about how much life sucks now for her, very hard to navigate any positive conversation for my sons sake.

I'm no contact with my siblings so I don't even know if they are helping her or not... .she says not but I don't know if that's the truth. I live the farthest away yet feel it's all on me. She says no one visits her and she's very lonely but has never once came to my place, it falls on us to pay for gas and make the trip.

That's a lot of negative but it's how I feel at the moment, I know we shouldn't say always and every time but it feels like she's dramatic and fragile about everything yet I've seen her be quite competent about a lot of things when she's left to her own devices.

[Turkish]

: I can't list the house without such and such done, maybe I should just contract it out, I'm so broke i don't know how I'm going to live, I wish I died instead of your dad, I'm off on a road trip your sister knows where the will is.

She's asking to be emotionally rescued. And is too bad she isn't concerned about your sons, but you probably already know why,  a gender bias, in addition to she being so focused upon herself at the expense of others. 

Maybe it could be seen like your uncle is guilting you,  but it sounds like he knows how his sister is,  and that's all you are going to get from your mom: she is who she is.  As frustrating and painful as that is,  sometimes that's what we have to work with going forward.