Unloading everything on you.

[mssalty]

Why can't they say "Would you mind doing... ." without giving you an entire sales pitch, admonition, or angry speech why you need to do it.   It's like every position has to be defended no matter how small.   

"Could you make sure to put the milk away from the orange juice" becomes "could you watch where you set the milk because it's in the way of the orange juice, and when I tried to get the orange juice, I knocked the milk out which spilled on the floor and then I had to spend 20 minutes cleaning it up."   

I feel like simple requests from either me or them are always turned into arguments.  Two people in a relationship do annoying things.  You deal with them, ignore them, or address them, but not everything has to be a point of mental anguish.  I always feel like I'm defending myself, even when there is nothing to defend against.  It's frustrating.   

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

My H does this also. WHen he does it to me, I find it hard to not get frustrated and angry at his criticism, but a few weeks ago I heard him doing this to his boss. I realized what was going on.

He is trying to control his environment and JADEing. This is how my H would respond to his abusive father.  If my H can make every scenario perfect, then he can avoid having to deal with stressful situations, which as a child, could lead to him being hit. If he could just explain to his dad his reasoning for why he did things, then just maybe his dad would turn his anger away from him. And now, his dad isn't here to punish him; his dad just lives inside his head. ANd he is still trying to justify his behavior.

I know it's annoying and can be crazyingmaking.
How could you detach from the criticism?

Is there a way that you can remind yourself that he is over-reacting to a trivial problem?

Is there a way to validate what he is saying, without telling him his response is over-reacting? When he is telling you about spilled OJ, what is he really trying to tell you? I'm pretty sure it's not really about the spilled OJ, but about what he was feeling when he had to clean up the OJ.

[Happy outside]

Yes!  I live it everyday.

[badknees1]

Mssalty... .you are describing my main problem with my BPD wife. Handling her criticism. Sometimes its deserved but delivered hurtfully sometimes it's unwarranted. I am sensitive to criticism which is part of the problem. But I have learned that it's not so much the message,it's how it's delivered. I have also learned , at great price that JADE is the way to respond not the opposite. My reaction to her criticism holds the key to nipping chaotic raging in the bud, when I fail to JADE... it's hell. Tattered Heart is correcto. I try hard to not react to it, just take a breath, own whatever part I have in the comment, and like a detective figure out the real problem which is usually her fear of being emabrrased or failing in some way. But of course after doing this perfectly for the last 3 weeks, I blew it last night by trying to defend myself. But don't beat yourself up, own the mistake and move forward regardless of his reaction to your reaction. Life is short and living in fear and frustration under another's emotions is not good. If you stay, as I have, Tattered Heart's insight's can help you live better.

[Lakebreeze]

This is my uBPDh exactly! I used to say I felt like a deliquent kid or a horrible employee the way he talked to me. He still does but now I just try to remind myself that that is the voice of a mental illness.