Back again on the BPD road to hell...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

Haven't posted here in a long time but seems like I'm in the same place I was when I first read about my wife's BPD traits and how much they described her. I've known about her issues for about 2 years now and I tried my best to put the tools on this site on practice. sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. I tried to support her and validate her feelings as best as I could but her dysregulation seems to be worsening as time goes by.
The last issue happened last Sunday. She finally agreed to come to my mom and grandma's house for dinner. I was really happy because my mom and grandma could see their grandson (we have a 4 year old boy with type I diabetes) because my wife hates them and doesn't allow me to take my son to their house even though they live  5 minutes away. We ate there and then we were getting ready to leave when she got a call from her brother. she told him she would talk to him when she got home. While she was speaking my mom got close to my grandma and told her to put some cookies for us to take home... .(my grandma can't hear very well and that is why mom got closer to her). Well as soon as we left in the car my wife started accusing my mom how badly she treated her and how she whispered to my grandma laughing about her that she didn't want to speak on the phone in front of them and that they looked at each other mocking my wife... .That is total nonsense. I was near my mum and I heard what she told my grandma. Well all hell got loose... .We got into a huge fight ... .and I tried telling her that they didn't say anything about her. she just kept going about how they don't know how to behave and how much she hates them and that she'll never go to them again. It's always the same... .she always finds something to argue about, she always complains about me how I am not there for her, how I don't help her and don't support her. I am sick of all the name calling, verbal abuse and all... .I hate my life... .

[Aleks]

Hi all,

Haven't posted here in a long time but seems like I'm in the same place I was when I first read about my wife's BPD traits and how much they described her. I've known about her issues for about 2 years now and I tried my best to put the tools on this site on practice. sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. I tried to support her and validate her feelings as best as I could but her dysregulation seems to be worsening as time goes by.
The last issue happened last Sunday. She finally agreed to come to my mom and grandma's house for dinner. I was really happy because my mom and grandma could see their grandson (we have a 4 year old boy with type I diabetes) because my wife hates them and doesn't allow me to take my son to their house even though they live  5 minutes away. We ate there and then we were getting ready to leave when she got a call from her brother. she told him she would talk to him when she got home. While she was speaking my mom got close to my grandma and told her to put some cookies for us to take home... .(my grandma can't hear very well and that is why mom got closer to her). Well as soon as we left in the car my wife started accusing my mom how badly she treated her and how she whispered to my grandma laughing about her that she didn't want to speak on the phone in front of them and that they looked at each other mocking my wife... .That is total nonsense. I was near my mum and I heard what she told my grandma. Well all hell got loose... .We got into a huge fight ... .and I tried telling her that they didn't say anything about her. she just kept going about how they don't know how to behave and how much she hates them and that she'll never go to them again. It's always the same... .she always finds something to argue about, she always complains about me how I am not there for her, how I don't help her and don't support her. I am sick of all the name calling, verbal abuse and all... .I hate my life... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Frankee]

It saddens to hear that you too are having a very hard time in your relationship.  My relationship with my parents pretty much went up in smoke as well because my BPD fiancée.  Even this morning I was saying I wish I could get a do over and I have two kids.  I forgot to do one small errand yesterday and it turned into such an explosion, I am still not sure how to respond.  He said some pretty horrible things.  Throwing things in my face from stuff that happened months ago.  Saying how I'm going to royally screw us one day because I just don't listen to anything he says.  Then some serious verbal abuse telling me how he was going to lower his expectations of me, was done, how I can continue to screw things up, etc etc.  Then the silent treatment.  He thinks it's punishment, but it all reality it is a quick relief for me from his raging about my "infractions".

Someone told me that at a certain point, my feelings do not register.  Just his.  Things are so out of balance right now that any empathy I would  expect, and understanding, any idea that a mole hill really is not a mountain - it's not there.  That is a well that cannot be reached at that time.  You cannot argue with a wall of unregulated emotions.  I am being used as an emotional sponge to soak up all his bad feelings, and to remove them.  He cannot handle them.  They spiral out of control, and he has never learned to self-soothe in a healthy way appropriate for an adult.  We are in a sense a security blanket.  We are there to take all the word-vomit, and then not leave them - "I hate you don't leave me."

It helped that someone understands what I am going through and provide help.  It still hurts though when they get like that.  I wish I could get inside his head and see the world through his eyes when he has one of his "episodes".  Maybe I could understand how someone who claims to love me... be so unbelievable cruel to me.  I'm not happy either.

I also get the... I love you... but you continue to f*** things up and I'm not living like that anymore.

[Aleks]

I've helped my wife a lot and I really mean I've always supported her. Recently she's been getting obssessive thoughts about hurting our son, she has thoughts and sees images of her hurting him... .I don't even want to think about it. I think she also has OCD... .there are times when she's afraid to be left alone with the child because she fears she might hurt him... .I spent nights reading books and trying to help her and make her understand they are just obssessive thoughts and she would never harm him, I held her in my arms when she cried and she was scared and now everything I ever did just vanished, I am a selfish man whom she hates, wishes she had never met and who I destroyed her and it's my fault for her terrible thoughts and everything and I never did anything to help her and I am crazy and I need to be committed. And honestly I lost it and got so angry and yelled at her because in the end whatever you do and how much support and love you give to them, it is never enough and it is forgotten. I am now back to enemy no. 1 position... .she hates me and I am the worst thing in her life and I am the reason for all her unhapiness... .she called her parents and trashed me to them... .told them I am crazy and I never let her alone... .the funny thing is I think they are just like her... .and they advised her to call the police ... .I said WHAT THE F... K? She verbally abused me, slaped me and I have trails of her nails on my arm and SHE should call the police? Now she says it is over, she wants a divorce... .she wants one every month... .What's even funnier is that last week she hugged me and told me we are soul mates... .I don't even know if I should cry or laugh... .and trust me I've cried these past few days because I feel so lost and sad and unloved and unappreciated.
How do you validate this? When she told me in the car:
Wife: "Are you making signals with your mother? You have your special signs? I saw how she signaled your grandmother too and they looked at me because I didn't continue the phone call conversation in front of them.  She mocked me and they laughed at me... ."
Me: "What? What are you saying? I heard my mom and she told my grandma to put some cookies for us to take home. She went close to her because you know se doesn't hear very well and she gave her a bag. What signs or signals are you talking about?"
Wife:":)amn you! You are so stupid. You take their side. I hate them and I' ever going to their house again."

After this all hell started... .
How do you validate this? How do I validate her feelings when it's just some stupid untrue nonsense... .

[Aleks]

It saddens to hear that you too are having a very hard time in your relationship.  My relationship with my parents pretty much went up in smoke as well because my BPD fiancée.  Even this morning I was saying I wish I could get a do over and I have two kids.  I forgot to do one small errand yesterday and it turned into such an explosion, I am still not sure how to respond.  He said some pretty horrible things.  Throwing things in my face from stuff that happened months ago.  Saying how I'm going to royally screw us one day because I just don't listen to anything he says.  Then some serious verbal abuse telling me how he was going to lower his expectations of me, was done, how I can continue to screw things up, etc etc.  Then the silent treatment.  He thinks it's punishment, but it all reality it is a quick relief for me from his raging about my "infractions".

I totally understand you... .really it's like you're describing my r/s with my wife... .I feel the same way, like I'm the punching bag for her moods and emotions and feelings... .I also get the silent treatment after all the explosion... .And it saddens me how much suffering she can produce and she doesn't even realize it.

[JoyfulOne777]

I understand your frustration and pain regarding this situation. It is so hard to be married to someone who seems so normal one minute and then so irrational the next. I think the hardest part of BPD is the back and fourth. I've known for about a year that my husband has BPD. From your words, it sounds like you are letting her irrational behavior get to you and hurt you, which is understandable, but if you can try to disassociate like you would if you were a doctor and she was one of the patients, you wouldn't take her outbursts personally. I have finally been able to do this with my husband. I've realized that he really is sick with a mental illnes and I am basically a caregiver.  The hard part is it's lonely because I have to keep my heart at a distance now, even when things are going realitively normal. The good thing is though, I no longer feel like a victim and am able to stay totally calm now that I'm not taking things personally. I've been able to set boundaries for the first time and make healthy decisions for myself and my three kids. I also make sure I'm taking care of myself and have a strong support system.

[Aleks]

I understand your frustration and pain regarding this situation. It is so hard to be married to someone who seems so normal one minute and then so irrational the next. I think the hardest part of BPD is the back and fourth. I've known for about a year that my husband has BPD. From your words, it sounds like you are letting her irrational behavior get to you and hurt you, which is understandable, but if you can try to disassociate like you would if you were a doctor and she was one of the patients, you wouldn't take her outbursts personally. I have finally been able to do this with my husband. I've realized that he really is sick with a mental illnes and I am basically a caregiver.  The hard part is it's lonely because I have to keep my heart at a distance now, even when things are going realitively normal. The good thing is though, I no longer feel like a victim and am able to stay totally calm now that I'm not taking things personally. I've been able to set boundaries for the first time and make healthy decisions for myself and my three kids. I also make sure I'm taking care of myself and have a strong support system.

Thank you for your support and understanding. I know I let her behaviour hurt me but it just seems so hard to detach and not take things personally. How did you manage to do that?I wish I could do that... .I wish I could just watch everything and feel no pain and I wish her words didn't hurt so much. It's so sad to know that what you feel, the hurt, the pain will never matter for our BPD SO. I remember something she told me at the beginning of our marriage (we've been married for 7 years)... .she said she was afraid I wouldn't be able to stand her for the rest of our lives... .it was after a fight we had... .I always knew there was something not quite right about her but it's only been two years since I read about BPD.

[Frankee]

All of this is very similar to my relationship.  I had red flags in the beginning.  I ignored my gut though.  He was so passionate, wild, accepting of my baggage, understanding, caring.  It was definitely a whirlwind romance.  We were crazy, impulsive, hot... it was so much fun.  It feels like that was a different life sometimes.  I find it's almost impossible to validate his feeling when they are just totally out there.  Such absurd comments and thoughts.  I never know what each day is going to hold. 

He called while I was at work and I had to ignore it because I was handling a guest at my resort that become verbally aggressive and vulgar.  Once he left I was able to call my SO.  I thought he was going to scream at me for ignoring his call, but I almost started to cry and then I burst about what happened.  Normally I could remain calm, but hearing his voice being concerning made me feel safe in letting out how upset I was.  I told him what happened and he told me to call my manager and report this guest and that it was going to be okay and wanted to know who this guest was because nobody says those kinds of things to me and he'll come up here and kick his a** if he does it again.  I was shaking with anger and almost tears.  I have been keeping so much emotion in check dealing with his episodes that it became too much to handle.  It's scary that in the back of my mind that this brief lapse in concern and protectiveness from him isn't going to last very long.  I keep playing out the scene tonight when he gets home from work.  He's going to go back to his angry, sarcastic, mean ways because something I did made him mad later on...

With the back and forth, I agree it's tough.  The times where you have been nothing but supportive, caring, loving, attempting to follow their instructions... and then when they have an spell... all of it gets thrown out the window and all they focus on in the bad and only the things you did wrong or how something innocent you did was totally misinterpreted.  I find that I have to constantly think about what I'm about to do before I do it around him.  I went to reach for my phone one day in front of him after he asked a question and I had to check my email to get the answer... he exploded on me saying that I was glued to the dang thing, how I didn't have a mind of my own, how he was going to smash it, that I'm just trying to buy time to think up some sort of lie... I stood there like a deer in headlights and told him what I was about to do.  Of course he didn't believe me.  So now when he is around, I make sure to put my phone up to where I can hear it if I need to, but I don't mess with it in front of him.

All I have seen is it's a trial and error process.  Sometimes I have to tweak my responses, sometimes I have to give the same responses.  I also have to figure out which times to argue back or just let it go.  He wants me to argue instead of sitting their quiet... but most of the time... I wonder, how in the heck do you argue with irrational comments or thoughts?

[JoyfulOne777]

I guess I'm not totally able to stay detached all of the time because the irrational episodes do hurt me, but I cry in private later. In the moment, I am able to detach by realizing my husband is basically having a tantrum just like my kids sometimes do. I realize now that he's not in a normal state of mind mid-tantrum, so that's not a good time to discuss anything really. I basically just keep my reality now and don't get sucked into crazy world just like I don't allow my kid's tantrums to change my behavior. But I HAVE to have a support group of other healthy adults I can talk to and who make me feel like they are there for me. My husband drains me, so I have to plan my life accordingly. I can't allow myself to get overtired etc. I have to make sure I eat right, and I even keep two journals, one of his behavior incidents (it really helps to read over them and see a pattern) and one of nice things/compliments people have said to me. I read through the compliments when I'm feeling particularly worn down and it helps build me back up again so I can keep on giving out.

[Aleks]

Thank you for your support. I know I really have to detach and not take things personally but it just feels terribly hard for me to do this. The things my wife says are so hurtful and they just tear my heart apart. The thing I find so hard to understand is how this person who was supposed to be there for you and love you and support you can say things that you wouldn't even tell your worst enemy. Do they even realize how much they hurt us? I don't really think so... .my wife feels her behaviour is justified by the fact that I did something to make her angry and I deserve whatever she says about me... .and even if she's calm and I try to point out how much I am hurt by her words and actions, her answer is that if I don't like it I should pack my stuff and leave... .I don't know if deep down inside her she understands how much pain she can cause. It's just so sad and depressing to know your feelings will NEVER matter and you are more likely to find support and understanding somewhere else than in your family. I get what you mean by a "support group"... .I found in this forum more support than I've ever got from my wife... .
Sometimes I feels sorry for her... .how terrible it must be to live your life worrying and getting angry about every little stupid thing... .every gesture or innocent remark is reinterpreted and taken as a personal attack... .I don't know how can someone live like this... .if she's not angry, she's depressed, if she's not depressed she's sick and possibly have a fatal illness, she thinks everyone is out to get her, or talk about her or envy her or whatever... .The thing is she never says anything to anyone regardless of how angry she is with that person... .she just tells ME... .and most of the times I end up being the target of her bitterness.

[JoyfulOne777]

Thank you for your support. I know I really have to detach and not take things personally but it just feels terribly hard for me to do this. The things my wife says are so hurtful and they just tear my heart apart. The thing I find so hard to understand is how this person who was supposed to be there for you and love you and support you can say things that you wouldn't even tell your worst enemy. Do they even realize how much they hurt us? I don't really think so... .my wife feels her behaviour is justified by the fact that I did something to make her angry and I deserve whatever she says about me... .and even if she's calm and I try to point out how much I am hurt by her words and actions, her answer is that if I don't like it I should pack my stuff and leave... .I don't know if deep down inside her she understands how much pain she can cause. It's just so sad and depressing to know your feelings will NEVER matter and you are more likely to find support and understanding somewhere else than in your family. I get what you mean by a "support group"... .I found in this forum more support than I've ever got from my wife... .
Sometimes I feels sorry for her... .how terrible it must be to live your life worrying and getting angry about every little stupid thing... .every gesture or innocent remark is reinterpreted and taken as a personal attack... .I don't know how can someone live like this... .if she's not angry, she's depressed, if she's not depressed she's sick and possibly have a fatal illness, she thinks everyone is out to get her, or talk about her or envy her or whatever... .The thing is she never says anything to anyone regardless of how angry she is with that person... .she just tells ME... .and most of the times I end up being the target of her bitterness.

Have you read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book yet? That one really helped me a lot. I have been married 18 years (got married super young) and I was in the confusion stage for so long. Why is he acting like this? I couldn't understand him at all. Only a year ago, I finally found BPD and now I understand the black and white thinking. He literally can only see me as totally perfect and wonderful or the complete enemy. So, now that I understand what is happening, I actually am able to feel compassion for him like I would if he was autistic etc. The next stage I went through after confusion was a deep feeling of loss because I realize that I might not ever have the support and companionship I had dreamed of having through marriage. It feels like a death and I grieved. Divorce is not an option I will consider, so I'm pretty much stuck. But, the next thing I started doing after detaching was to start to set boundaries. I can't control his behavior, but I CAN control my reaction to it. I can tell him what I will and will not do. For example, I can choose that I won't listen to people who are not speaking kindly to me. I can choose to leave the room or the house until we are both calm. Just like I tell my kids I will listen to them when they use their nice voice etc. Another helpful book is actually a parenting book, but I've used some of the tips on my husband. It's called Love and Logic. One other thing about BPD that I've found fascinating is when they do something wrong and then they project that action on someone else. For example, the other day I hear a loud crash (glass picture frame breaking in the bedroom). Apparently it fell off of a shelf when my husband shut the door. He shouts at me from the bedroom, "Why do you put stuff like this on the shelf!" The old me would have run in there and helped to clean it up and apologized. The new me stays in the living room and doesn't answer him. When he comes out, I say in a kind and calm voice, "What you mean to say is, 'honey, I'm sorry I broke your picture frame.'"  He yelled a little more about how I shouldn't put it on the shelf, which I didn't answer him, then later he apologized for breaking my frame.

[Aleks]

I have the "Stop walking of eggshells" book but I just leafed through the pages, not read it entirely. I want to start reading it... .I also have a copy of Loving Someone with BPD". I desperately need to set boundaries because I feel I can't stand it anymore... .I'm losing it more and more each day. Just today I came home from school (I'm a teacher) and I was late because there was an examination and I had to stay over schedule... .she knew I would be late because I told her yeasterday about it. When I got home, my wife asked me if I wanted to eat... .I said I would eat later because I wasn't feeling very hungry... .I don't really feel hunger these days. My reply set my wife off... .she said of course I wasn't hungry because I had eaten out with a woman, my lover (I don't have one, I am an honest man)... .she is always accusing me of cheating (which I am not) and honestly I just feel sick when I hear another cheating story. Even on the street if I turn my head to the left and there happens to be a woman in that direction, my wife says I'm looking at women... .and she knows I'm cheating on her. It is getting unbearable to hear another cheating accusation. It just sickens me to listen to another accusation when I know I never cheated and everything I tell her is true.
I need to set a boundary about this too... .I just don;t know how to do it.

[JoyfulOne777]

That is so hard. I've never been accused of cheating. That must hurt. Do you think it might be one of those things where she's done something she's feeling a little guilty about and is projecting those feelings onto you?

Also, one thing I've changed in my thinking is that I used to think of my weekends/evenings as my downtime when I could relax etc. Now, I consider it my time I have to be most on guard... .The most professional. Being a teacher, you have the tools you need to deal with this (I teach preschool). How would you handle it if one of your students acused you of something wrongly?

[mssalty]

One other thing about BPD that I've found fascinating is when they do something wrong and then they project that action on someone else. For example, the other day I hear a loud crash (glass picture frame breaking in the bedroom). Apparently it fell off of a shelf when my husband shut the door. He shouts at me from the bedroom, "Why do you put stuff like this on the shelf!" The old me would have run in there and helped to clean it up and apologized. The new me stays in the living room and doesn't answer him. When he comes out, I say in a kind and calm voice, "What you mean to say is, 'honey, I'm sorry I broke your picture frame.'"  He yelled a little more about how I shouldn't put it on the shelf, which I didn't answer him, then later he apologized for breaking my frame.

I can relate to this one.  It's amazing how many things mysteriously wind up broken, missing, etc. that I know I didn't do, but my SO claims not to have done either.  And when caught in the act, there is never just a simple acknowledgement that they've done something, but instead it's the fault of the object or someone else.   Honestly, until I found this place, I was convinced that I was simply losing my mind.