29 year marriage, trying to steady the course

[Runnergal]

Hurting and processing, working my recovery. I'm 29 years into a marriage with a husband who has a mother with "untreated & officially undiagnosed" BPD (she's now 85). My husband and I have gone to counseling on and off for 29 years of marriage. Earlier on our therapist suggested that MIL has Cluster personality, in recent years that seems to be called BPD. Our recent therapist of a year now feels strongly that MIL does have BPD. This side of a miracle, she'll never choose to be treated. Our therapist also has said that my husband's Limbic system learned some patterning/behavior... .hmmm makes sense because 29 years of our marriage has been a roller coaster ride... .sometimes easy ups and downs to navigate, other times too many dips to stabilize, slow down and level out. Now there's a possibility that he has BPD. The book Essential Family Guide to BPD I THOUGHT was to help me have tools to deal with her unpredictable BS... .yet fairly quickly I began to wonder if my husband is undiagnosed BPD. the minute I picked it up I could hardly put it down, except that I can only take so much of it in. Gotta take a breathe and process a little at a time. Now my therapist and psychiatrist have suggested "you need to grieve" and you need to decide if staying is healthy. So you know... .my marriage has separated once in the first 5 years and we reconciled, then 3 years ago I flighted couldn't take it anymore and filed for divorce yet he hung on to hope, presented well to all including me for a year and we've been reconciled again for 2 years. Friggin hard, sad, gut-wrenching, heart-wrenching to be in this place.
He is NOT in any recovery, not working any program, self prescribing the meds he thinks are working... .they ARE not working and neither are we! Finally last weekend he said "He will not go into a treatment program, but He will get a counseling and psych appt. He has one of the two scheduled. Right now I feel I can only stay until I know he has had those first appts. so they can help him navigate IF he chooses to heal.
Thank you for listening and/or giving insight. Just writing it helps.
Runnergirl who's trying not to run, but to steady the course for a minute and then move forward at the right pace.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Runnergal and Welcome!

With what you describe you're going through you're definitely in the right place here for some help and advice.  It's good that you found us.  I think that you will not only find the boards really helpful, but there is a wealth of really useful information here that can benefit you.  Some of the articles I've read so many times that if they were on paper they'd be dog eared!  I'd also encourage you to take a look at the lessons to the right of the board, which will help to improve communication and hopefully make life a little easier whilst you find your right pace. 

I wonder if you could tell us a little about the behaviours that you have noticed in your relationship.  What things did you identify in Family Guide that you could relate to regards your husband?  :)o you have any children together?

What you said about waiting out for the appointments is totally understandable.  If your husband senses your feelings it's also understandable that he is prompted to take some action, which is positive.  :)oes he wish to attend alone or have you accompany him?

Many here are on similar journeys in their relationships and can share their experiences with you.  Keep reading and posting.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

  

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Runnergal

How are things going for you? You mentioned that your husband had an appointment scheduled, and I'm wondering if anything came out of it?

Right now I feel I can only stay until I know he has had those first appts. so they can help him navigate IF he chooses to heal.

I think this is a really healthy perspective - understanding that it's our partner's choice on whether or not they choose to heal.

We can make a lot of choices about ourselves, and one of those is learning how best to "be there" for our partners as they heal themselves. We can also make a choice that enough is enough, and that's a valid (very tough) choice as well.

I hope you're doing well - please let us know how things are going when you have a chance.

~DaddyBear77