Replacement r/s finished ... find myself overthinking ... again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all
Haven't posted for quite a while... .not since I received a missed call from my udBPD ex, approx 4 weeks ago.
Since that time I have learnt that the r/s with the replacement has ended and yes, initially it did please me. It kind of re-affirmed to me that there are issues there of some sorts for my ex. I don't know how it ended and why but i did see some disgruntled / angry / upset social media posts from the replacement and so I can only assume that my ex has done the same again! My ex has also deleted all pics of her and the replacement from some social media.

I was discarded back in December after a 4 month recycle ... .ex left for the other side of the world. I was replaced within weeks ! The replacement lasted 7 months after they both returned to the U.K.

So Why am I posting? I have felt relieved for a couple of weeks upon hearing of the split ... .relieved as I had convinced myself that the replacement was going to be 'the one' and cure my ex... .or that the ex did not have BPD to traits of.

It is business as usual for my ex ... .'getting on' plastering social media having fun with no thougtt for the replacement.
But ... .I have felt very wobbly the last couple of days. I did receive an 'apology text' in June before the return to the U.K. And of course the accidental or on purpose call 4 weeks ago (around the same time as the split!)
I did not reply to either and now I'm battling with myself. Could I have been more sympathetic to the apology text and acknowledged it? I didn't have her new number and have come to the conclusion the missed call was just to give me
It? I have posted previously about whether this was all done by accident or on purpose ?

Why oh why am I feeling a little sad that she hasn't reached out since the split? She must be completely done with me (I had been recycled in the past over a 2 year period).
I know an attempt will prob do me no good. But I am going through the feelings of missing her and wondering if she is okay! She felt low and down here and one of the reasons she left for the other side of the world! Surely she'll feel the same
Being back?

Urgggh ... .what is wrong with me? I find myself thinking about her all the time at the mo and I was doing so well! I am pretty sure she has a replacement
In the pipeline cos BPD or no BPD, she does not spend anytime on her Own!
I've questioned whether she has not made an attempt at contact because perhaps for once she realizes she has actually really hurt and upset me and the fact I didn't respond. But they don't think like this do they?
Just confused ... : any help and insight gratefully received. Ups and downs and I'm on a semi down

[KtotheK]

Hi all
Haven't posted for quite a while... .not since I received a missed call from my udBPD ex, approx 4 weeks ago.
Since that time I have learnt that the r/s with the replacement has ended and yes, initially it did please me. It kind of re-affirmed to me that there are issues there of some sorts for my ex. I don't know how it ended and why but i did see some disgruntled / angry / upset social media posts from the replacement and so I can only assume that my ex has done the same again! My ex has also deleted all pics of her and the replacement from some social media.

I was discarded back in December after a 4 month recycle ... .ex left for the other side of the world. I was replaced within weeks ! The replacement lasted 7 months after they both returned to the U.K.

So Why am I posting? I have felt relieved for a couple of weeks upon hearing of the split ... .relieved as I had convinced myself that the replacement was going to be 'the one' and cure my ex... .or that the ex did not have BPD to traits of.

It is business as usual for my ex ... .'getting on' plastering social media having fun with no thougtt for the replacement.
But ... .I have felt very wobbly the last couple of days. I did receive an 'apology text' in June before the return to the U.K. And of course the accidental or on purpose call 4 weeks ago (around the same time as the split!)
I did not reply to either and now I'm battling with myself. Could I have been more sympathetic to the apology text and acknowledged it? I didn't have her new number and have come to the conclusion the missed call was just to give me
It? I have posted previously about whether this was all done by accident or on purpose ?

Why oh why am I feeling a little sad that she hasn't reached out since the split? She must be completely done with me (I had been recycled in the past over a 2 year period).
I know an attempt will prob do me no good. But I am going through the feelings of missing her and wondering if she is okay! She felt low and down here and one of the reasons she left for the other side of the world! Surely she'll feel the same
Being back?

Urgggh ... .what is wrong with me? I find myself thinking about her all the time at the mo and I was doing so well! I am pretty sure she has a replacement
In the pipeline cos BPD or no BPD, she does not spend anytime on her Own!
I've questioned whether she has not made an attempt at contact because perhaps for once she realizes she has actually really hurt and upset me and the fact I didn't respond. But they don't think like this do they?
Just confused ... : any help and insight gratefully received. Ups and downs and I'm on a semi down

[JaxDK]

Recycles never end with happily ever after. If you had a chance to get her back, you would be on borrowed time and back to square one in recovery. That's the logical side. Unfortunately when we are in this state our feelings are doing the thinking. Of course you miss her. It's been long enough for you to forget not the bad she did but how it made you feel.

You have to ask yourself. Can you live with her having had sex with another man. Would it nag at you thinking about if he was better, bigger etc? Would you worry if she would make contact with him while being with you? Trust me you don't need the headache.

She will never change. Not even with your newfound knowledge of BPD. Thinking you can manage and control it is an illusion. We can control only ourselves.

I hate she has somebody else and thankful at the same time. I'm still not strong enough to turn down a recycle and I really really don't want to go there.

[Fishmedic]

I feel like we’re in the same spot. My ex has reached out a few times since the beginning of July though, while still being with the replacement, and kind of started stalking me by showing up at the gym. We had a confrontation 3 weeks ago yesterday, I asked why she’s doing this, she flipped it on me, and threatened a restraining order and tried to get the new guy to come fight me. I hadn’t heard anything until yesterday when she left a voicemail, stating that she’s unsure what she should do, she has paper work and spoken to the police about charging me (untrue, it isn’t up to her to have someone charged), and a bunch of other nonsense. She sounded distraught, I did not reply in anyway. After telling my mom about her calling again, my mom said she had looked at my exes Facebook (I have her blocked), and that she believes the new guy and her have split up. Apparently my ex is posting all these stupid memes about “strong women don’t need men” etc etc, and a ton of selfies. I asked my mom not to relay anymore information to me, but she also stated she viewed the boyfriends page, and he has deleted his profile picture of them together. All sounds about right, but now I’m worried that she will ramp up her chase of me.

Be strong. As JaxDK said, regardless of our knowledge of this disorder (which I didn’t have until the last few months), things won’t change. They are still the same person, no matter how much personal growth we go through. Just post on here if she starts contacting, thats my plan. Then we can decide whether a reply is warranted or not.

[happendtome]

It must be satisfying to know that your replacement didnt last. I know that i would be satisfied, but unfortunately i dont see that coming (and im not thinking recycling here, i would be just satisfied. Yes, its selfish, i know). My BPDex who got married to another BPD/NPD will do everything to get that marriage work.

She has a pressure, because there were many people who warned her. So she has to show to everyone that she was right and others, who had doubts, had been wrong. I think it will last at least 10 years or forever. And to be honest im starting to think that they may be actually happy. Maybe two BPD-s can be very compatible together

[KtotheK]

Recycles never end with happily ever after. If you had a chance to get her back, you would be on borrowed time and back to square one in recovery. That's the logical side. Unfortunately when we are in this state our feelings are doing the thinking. Of course you miss her. It's been long enough for you to forget not the bad she did but how it made you feel.

You have to ask yourself. Can you live with her having had sex with another man. Would it nag at you thinking about if he was better, bigger etc? Would you worry if she would make contact with him while being with you? Trust me you don't need the headache.

She will never change. Not even with your newfound knowledge of BPD. Thinking you can manage and control it is an illusion. We can control only ourselves.

I hate she has somebody else and thankful at the same time. I'm still not strong enough to turn down a recycle and I really really don't want to go there.

Thank you for your reply.
And much of what you say is right.
No more contact from her and I still think of her EVERY DAY. I just continually think of her and now my thoughts are who is the next she will be with. Are they already lined up etc. I have questioned whether I could be friends with her. Stupidly I still miss her. I have her number since the missed call and I know I need to delete it ... .but I haven't been able to. I've been looking at when she's on line on whatsapp- crazy I know. I can't seem to delete it but know I am doing myself no good having it and looking. And the crazy thing is... .I know she will not be doing the same and she doesn't give me one thought  

[Harley Quinn]

Hi KtotheK,

Stupidly I still miss her. I have her number since the missed call and I know I need to delete it ... .but I haven't been able to. I've been looking at when she's on line on whatsapp- crazy I know. I can't seem to delete it but know I am doing myself no good having it and looking. And the crazy thing is... .I know she will not be doing the same and she doesn't give me one thought sad

There's nothing stupid about missing her.  She has been a big part of your life.  You're grieving.  It's OK to feel as you do.  :)on't judge yourself.    

You recognise that checking on her activity has a negative effect on you.  I was in the same place at first with this.  We had spent a lot of time communicating on WhatsApp around the time of the breakup and it was hard to stop myself taking a look to see if he was there.  It felt like the only way I could be close to him without actually being in contact.  The moment came where I let go.  It wasn't helping me to heal.  If you've tried setting a boundary on yourself to stop this behaviour, how do you feel when you do this?  

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

There's nothing stupid about missing her.  She has been a big part of your life.  You're grieving.  It's OK to feel as you do.  Don't judge yourself.   

You recognise that checking on her activity has a negative effect on you.  I was in the same place at first with this.  We had spent a lot of time communicating on WhatsApp around the time of the breakup and it was hard to stop myself taking a look to see if he was there.  It felt like the only way I could be close to him without actually being in contact.  The moment came where I let go.  It wasn't helping me to heal.  If you've tried setting a boundary on yourself to stop this behaviour, how do you feel when you do this? 

Love and light x

Hi HQ, it's good to hear from you. So it's 7.40am and I've just checked whatsapp. She's on line early and this has become a thing for a few days and is strange at this time? So I'm thinking there may be someone new ? See this is how my mind works! But why be on line so early when it isn't the norm! And history says it's normally cos there's a reason / or someone to be on line for! Crazy thinking ? Possibly! And your reason for checking is exactky the same as mine. A way of being close without the contact!

I didn't see your message until just now and not before checking whatsapp for the 4th time this morn

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

There's nothing stupid about missing her.  She has been a big part of your life.  You're grieving.  It's OK to feel as you do.  :)on't judge yourself.    

You recognise that checking on her activity has a negative effect on you.  I was in the same place at first with this.  We had spent a lot of time communicating on WhatsApp around the time of the breakup and it was hard to stop myself taking a look to see if he was there.  It felt like the only way I could be close to him without actually being in contact.  The moment came where I let go.  It wasn't helping me to heal.  If you've tried setting a boundary on yourself to stop this behaviour, how do you feel when you do this?  

Love and light x

Hi KtotheK,

There's nothing stupid about missing her.  She has been a big part of your life.  You're grieving.  It's OK to feel as you do.  :)on't judge yourself.    

You recognise that checking on her activity has a negative effect on you.  I was in the same place at first with this.  We had spent a lot of time communicating on WhatsApp around the time of the breakup and it was hard to stop myself taking a look to see if he was there.  It felt like the only way I could be close to him without actually being in contact.  The moment came where I let go.  It wasn't helping me to heal.  If you've tried setting a boundary on yourself to stop this behaviour, how do you feel when you do this?  

Love and light x

Hi HQ, it's good to hear from you. So it's 7.40am and I've just checked whatsapp. She's on line early and this has become a thing for a few days and is strange at this time? So I'm thinking there may be someone new ? See this is how my mind works! But why be on line so early when it isn't the norm! And history says it's normally cos there's a reason / or someone to be on line for! Crazy thinking ? Possibly! And your reason for checking is exactky the same as mine. A way of being close without the contact!

I didn't see your message until just now and not before checking whatsapp for the 4th time this morn

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

There's nothing stupid about missing her.  She has been a big part of your life.  You're grieving.  It's OK to feel as you do.  :)on't judge yourself.    

You recognise that checking on her activity has a negative effect on you.  I was in the same place at first with this.  We had spent a lot of time communicating on WhatsApp around the time of the breakup and it was hard to stop myself taking a look to see if he was there.  It felt like the only way I could be close to him without actually being in contact.  The moment came where I let go.  It wasn't helping me to heal.  If you've tried setting a boundary on yourself to stop this behaviour, how do you feel when you do this?  

Love and light x

Im not sure why but my whole post didn't send? Id written much more ? Any ideas?

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

There's nothing stupid about missing her.  She has been a big part of your life.  You're grieving.  It's OK to feel as you do.  :)on't judge yourself.    

You recognise that checking on her activity has a negative effect on you.  I was in the same place at first with this.  We had spent a lot of time communicating on WhatsApp around the time of the breakup and it was hard to stop myself taking a look to see if he was there.  It felt like the only way I could be close to him without actually being in contact.  The moment came where I let go.  It wasn't helping me to heal.  If you've tried setting a boundary on yourself to stop this behaviour, how do you feel when you do this?  

Love and light x

Hi HQ, it's good to hear from you. So it's 7.40am and I've just checked whatsapp. She's on line early and this has become a thing for a few days and is strange at this time? So I'm thinking there may be someone new ? See this is how my mind works! But why be on line so early when it isn't the norm! And history says it's normally cos there's a reason / or someone to be on line for! Crazy thinking ? Possibly! And your reason for checking is exactky the same as mine. A way of being close without the contact!

I didn't see your message until just now and not before checking whatsapp for the 4th time this morn

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

There's nothing stupid about missing her.  She has been a big part of your life.  You're grieving.  It's OK to feel as you do.  :)on't judge yourself.    

You recognise that checking on her activity has a negative effect on you.  I was in the same place at first with this.  We had spent a lot of time communicating on WhatsApp around the time of the breakup and it was hard to stop myself taking a look to see if he was there.  It felt like the only way I could be close to him without actually being in contact.  The moment came where I let go.  It wasn't helping me to heal.  If you've tried setting a boundary on yourself to stop this behaviour, how do you feel when you do this?  

Love and light x

It's not sending and it's saved into my notes ? Basically, I deleted her number this morning after checking whatsapp several times. She's on line early which normally means one thing! A new interest! Or someone to be on line for! I know I cannot heal whilst looking and my reasons were the sane as yours - to be close without contact. But I find I'm having to sether the ties AGAIN after the missed call. I'm thinking she thought I might respond straight away to that or did she do it so I have her number for the future and if I wanted to contact her? Your thoughts on this? I've managed to do this in the past (delete the number) and I guess this is ny 5th attempt at healing (I normally have some form of text from her  etc that sets me back )
It has to be the right thing to do doesn't it. I look and all I do is torment myself ... .asking why she is on line early and also late at night at the moment! If I don't have the number I can't see can I!
Thank you HQ ... .it's time for me to be strong again and try and move myself on and heal x

[Harley Quinn]

Hi KtotheK,

Well done on making the change!  It's a really positive thing you have done for yourself and you should be proud of that.  What can you do for yourself as a reward?   

But I find I'm having to sether the ties AGAIN after the missed call. I'm thinking she thought I might respond straight away to that or did she do it so I have her number for the future and if I wanted to contact her? Your thoughts on this?

It's hard to know.  These are both strong possibilities, as it is difficult for a pwBPD to not have their bases covered and keep those links as a fall back plan.  Remember, it is the fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment that are key drivers for their behaviours.  It's a comfort to know there is someone receptive in the background for when either of these flares up in a new relationship.  I was triangulated with my ex's estranged wife.  He started a new r/s with another woman very quickly after we split up.  In all likelihood he had her lined up before that point, when he knew the inevitable was coming. 

My ex contacted me a couple of times in messages after the NC, once to wish me well (showing me the good person he is, potentially evoking a change of heart from me) and another time to reach out for help in a desperate way (something he knew had been effective with me in the past).  I didn't react to either. 

If I had a missed call now, I can't say it wouldn't make me anxious.  However the important part of the equation is what we do with that.  Under the circumstances I think you chose wisely for yourself right now.  Who can know what the future holds?  We can however decide what shape we're in when that future arrives and that's why it's great you're taking care of you right now.  You're already stronger.  Recognise this.

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

Remember, it is the fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment that are key drivers for their behaviours.  It's a comfort to know there is someone receptive in the background for when either of these flares up in a new relationship.  I was triangulated with my ex's estranged wife.  He started a new r/s with another woman very quickly after we split up.  In all likelihood he had her lined up before that point, when he knew the inevitable was coming. 

This is interesting because the call from her came days before their split. So perhaps putting the feelers out and seeing if I'd bite/respond? You think? Knew the r/s was on its way out but her choice I believe from social media etc.  Well I didn't respond and so I can only imagine that she now thinks I am completely done with her... .if only she / they knew how much we agonize over every little detail and are not done with them at all.

As always i appreciate your replies. You really are and have always  been such a source of strength and wise words and advice. Thank you x