Stereotypes

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I posted on another group, but was told my thoughts were purely stereotypical.  I do not wish to cause any offence.  May be stereotypes are all I know.  I am content to be corrected.  I am here to learn.

My (prodigal) son is 21, he has had two semi serious relationships, with 2 girls both of whom have been adopted and have a diagnosis of BPD and bi-polar.

He is now with the second one. They have been together a little over a year.

Since Christmas he has virtually lived with her, her son and her adoptive parents. (whom I've never met).

My son has made very little contact with us and it seems to be getting less and less.

He is naive and immature.  She is worldly wise and five years his elder.

I  have tried my very best to include her in our lives, but this got off to a bad start.

She began (having never met me) to slag me off on social media, following a row I had with my son.  (He told her his side, and exaggerated much of it).
I confronted her about it.  She denied it.  I let it go and apologised, for the sake of my son.  Hoping we may in time, build a relationship.  We socialised once, i met her son, but I have never been able to warm to her, neither have the rest of my family.  I have backed her, defended her and gone the extra mile on virtually every opportunity.

My sons birthday approached and I discussed with her ideas for the celebration, i showed her photos of the cake etc and we agreed to go ahead.  Low and behold on the day of my sons birthday, she created a full celebration for him at her home, including cake etc and totally excluded us. 

My son eventually visited us on his birthday, and appeared very surprised and a little embarrassed that his girlfriend had been party to our joint celebration plans.

Alas, we tried again, I approached her and invited them all around, she drove, bringing my son and hers, she opened a bottle of alcohol and sat and drank her way through it, all she seems to do is drink, I was shocked when she drove back to her house. 

She has tried to dictate things and manipulate me in to lending her things.  When I have refused she has caused a scene and thrown her toys out of the pram.  My son, always takes her side.  Again, I have gone the extra mile, have been made to feel guilty and have ended up buying them alternatives.  She wanted to use my camper, I refused as it has electrical issues, I bought them a weekend away,  They asked again about the camper, I bought them a tent. 

She has big issues with saying thank you, These are words I have never heard from her.

I had another row with my son recently, and she sent me a message telling me to keep away from her house.  I have not seen her since.

My son came round and she called him, he said he was with us and she went crazy.  We had plans to spend the day with my son that weekend, but he didn't turn up and we have not heard from him since.

It was her birthday at the weekend, I posted a card and gift through her door, but again no thank you.

I'm really scared.  I feel like i've played in to her hands and that she is playing my son.

Reading this back it is very disjointed, I hope you can understand it

[pinkypromise]

Hi, I posted on another group, but was told my thoughts were purely stereotypical.  I do not wish to cause any offence.  May be stereotypes are all I know.  I am content to be corrected.  I am here to learn.

My (prodigal) son is 21, he has had two semi serious relationships, with 2 girls both of whom have been adopted and have a diagnosis of BPD and bi-polar.

He is now with the second one. They have been together a little over a year.

Since Christmas he has virtually lived with her, her son and her adoptive parents. (whom I've never met).

My son has made very little contact with us and it seems to be getting less and less.

He is naive and immature.  She is worldly wise and five years his elder.

I  have tried my very best to include her in our lives, but this got off to a bad start.

She began (having never met me) to slag me off on social media, following a row I had with my son.  (He told her his side, and exaggerated much of it).
I confronted her about it.  She denied it.  I let it go and apologised, for the sake of my son.  Hoping we may in time, build a relationship.  We socialised once, i met her son, but I have never been able to warm to her, neither have the rest of my family.  I have backed her, defended her and gone the extra mile on virtually every opportunity.

My sons birthday approached and I discussed with her ideas for the celebration, i showed her photos of the cake etc and we agreed to go ahead.  Low and behold on the day of my sons birthday, she created a full celebration for him at her home, including cake etc and totally excluded us. 

My son eventually visited us on his birthday, and appeared very surprised and a little embarrassed that his girlfriend had been party to our joint celebration plans.

Alas, we tried again, I approached her and invited them all around, she drove, bringing my son and hers, she opened a bottle of alcohol and sat and drank her way through it, all she seems to do is drink, I was shocked when she drove back to her house. 

She has tried to dictate things and manipulate me in to lending her things.  When I have refused she has caused a scene and thrown her toys out of the pram.  My son, always takes her side.  Again, I have gone the extra mile, have been made to feel guilty and have ended up buying them alternatives.  She wanted to use my camper, I refused as it has electrical issues, I bought them a weekend away,  They asked again about the camper, I bought them a tent. 

She has big issues with saying thank you, These are words I have never heard from her.

I had another row with my son recently, and she sent me a message telling me to keep away from her house.  I have not seen her since.

My son came round and she called him, he said he was with us and she went crazy.  We had plans to spend the day with my son that weekend, but he didn't turn up and we have not heard from him since.

It was her birthday at the weekend, I posted a card and gift through her door, but again no thank you.

I'm really scared.  I feel like i've played in to her hands and that she is playing my son.

Reading this back it is very disjointed, I hope you can understand it

[Turkish]

She wanted to use my camper, I refused as it has electrical issues, I bought them a weekend away,  They asked again about the camper, I bought them a tent. 

I'd suggest keeping the firm boundaries,  and let them deal with their logistical issues.  These are adults after all (at least on the outside,  and it's too bad that your son seems under her thumb).

She will continue to take from you, with no reciprocation (which I see is upsetting you,  the lack of appreciation), as long as you give. 

This workshop on boundaries may help: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

Tell us what you think.

Turkish