I think you have BPD

[whittsend]

After realising i need some help with partner with suspect BPD, and scouring the internet for more information and guidance ... .here i am.
i am in a relationship (of 10 years) which has been a roller coaster from the beginning, it has affected family, friends and of course myself. I am now at the point where i don't know if i have the energy to continue being the passive, peacemaker and receptacle of the effects of his behaviour.
I have lost friends, my family is completely fractured, siblings gone, children estranged, although now one is ok, another i have managed to repair and re-mold a relationship with - separately from him, and the youngest has left to live with her father to escape the constant scrutiny she faced daily.
I know he won't accept his BPD, after all, it is always someone else's fault, or problem, even mine at times, so where do i go from here ?
If there is no solution to this epic issue i know at some point i will throw in the towel, not because i don't love him dearly but because i am exhausted emotionally.
I have taken steps to see GP but am faced with their unwillingness to discuss a patient without his contribution ! Helpful.
Any advice ?
Anyone ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi whittsend,

You're not alone, we're here to walk with you. Welcome and hello  

That must've been hard to see your youngest move out. It's pretty common for people with BPD to try and isolate their partner, partly out of fear, partly out of control, so the fractured family and lost friendships is something many of us recognize (and work to repair).

What is your partner like? People with BPD are unique, and there are hundreds of different combinations of the criteria. What behaviors are the most problematic for you? Maybe we can help some of the big issues you are trying to deal with and go from there.

Glad you found the site   Keep posting. It really does help.

LnL

[whittsend]

Thank you LnL for the response.
Yes losing my youngest was very hard and something i am still reeling over BUT i am relieved that she is no longer in this situation and will not be affected from it any longer.
What is he like ? a complete contradiction of many traits ... .very loving but needy and constantly needs/demands recognition, praise, reassurance etc and can be paranoid.
He is generous and doesn't restrict me in anything. He is quite capable of lying and deceipt, although the big lies seem to have eased - he has cheated early on in our relationship, still denies it even though i had spoken to the people concerned, - it was all a big conspiracy ! At the beginning he managed to convince me that he was separated from his wife, he wasn't, and insisted that i was mad having questioned him.
He always knows best, more or has been there, done it. He exaggerates his achievements, editing the truth, inflates and adds to stories.
There is so much i could write here, it is very hard to condense it all down briefly.
The behaviour i struggle with the most is his lack of control over his emotions, explosions of rage brought on by frustration, disappointment etc. His desire for conflict, with other people mainly, - i am so non confrontational, passive and will run 20 miles to avoid conflict. - It is a daily occurrence, and i have been utterly embarrassed by his disproportionate reaction to an event in public too many times to mention.
He seems to seek out an argument, provoke one and when he has succeeded it is never his fault, and is unable to move on from a situation, he stays in the negative, the rest of us would accept, move on and problem solve.
I am very independent, widowed in my 20's with 2 small children, i have learned to get on with it, very positive and motivated, which i think doesn't help, his neediness is possibly fuelled by the fact he knows i would be absolutely ok on my own, without him.
We have a future planned, we are, on a 'normal' level like 2 peas in pod, want the same things etc, but, like i say i am exhausted.
It's like the man i love is slowly being engulfed by a smog.
He will deny any concern of BPD, but my reaction is ultimately, if it is accepted, we can deal with that, it is the illness that is the problem. In denial, then it is him that is the problem and there is little i/we can do about that.
I have read that confronting them isn't always of any benefit, due to the nature of the illness they cannot believe there is anything wrong, and i guess that is my dilemma at the moment. x
W.

[ArleighBurke]

He may never "accept" he has BPD. But there is still much you can do.

BPDs really do live in their own world. I'm often bewildered at what my BPD wife takes away from a situation - her reactions to the tiniest things can be amazing! But there is a reasoning to their behaviour, a certain logic. Learning conversational "Validation" allows you to "relate" to him somewhat - which can help. You may not really understand what he's going through, but you can see he's going through it, and validation will allow him to feel heard - and hopefully soothe him a little.

Validation may also give you insight into what's in his head. Perhaps since you are so independent he feels inadequate - so he inflates stories? When you start to be able to read between the lines of what he is saying, you will be able to connect with him more.

And when you gain confidence, you will be able to be less passive, be able to make and hold boundaries, and in a strange way this will help him! (BPDs feel safer with limits and structure, and this will grow his respect for you).

There is much you can learn, and we are here to help.

[whittsend]

I am feeling a little reassured with what i am learning about this condition and the support i've so far received through this site.
I have started to evaluate my behaviours to help deal with his. i live in hope that by doing this it will ease the emotional drain i feel every day.
I certainly don't feel as alone anymore. I am also going to start keeping a diary, with the intention that one day, it will be an open diary where he can pick it up and get an insight into what it's like for those around him.

Validation has been mentioned, forgive me i am not very good at replying to a post where i can't see it as i write ! could you explain a little more, i'm not quite sure what you mean by this ?
Thank you everyone for the input.

W xx

[ArleighBurke]

Keeping a diary is good. Having him read it is probably pointless, and potentially bad.

Validation is a very useful required conversation technique. Read about it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

[whittsend]

Hi everyone, it's been a while. I thought i would update the thread to a) 'get it off my chest' and b) see if any of my observations ring true to anyone else.
Having reached a massive peak during another, unnecessary argument my (suspected) BPD other half was informed that i could no longer continue to tolerate or deal with his behaviour. The unpredictable and disproportionate reactions, mood swings and conflict seeking actions were destroying me, and if it continues it would ultimately destroy us.
This came as a complete surprise to him, and knowing me for the passive person i am, he knows if it has come to me speaking up,which takes a lot,i mean business. But he listened, never said a word, and sobbed.
I was careful not to mention BPD, just outlined the effect of his behaviour in general.
Since then, after an improvement, we are sliding back in to 'his normality' and with more research i think he is definitely high conflict too, which would explain, amongst other things the targeting of my daughter and his total outrage when i refused to be his negative advocate in numerous situations.
Other issues include - personal hygiene (lack of it), Chaos and mess, and something that has only dawned on me recently, stupidly, on a really delicate note, and i won't be too graphic here, the 'intimate' side of things - since we have been together he has never, no never, managed to get the 'hydraulics' working to full effect, always at 'half mast', and at the end always prevented from completing under the guise of cramp or a back twinge.Things are always methodical, routine, without tenderness and focussed on one area of my body only. Is this related to the condition ?
I have visited our GP, and she assumed i wanted to talk about him, which i appreciate the patient confidentiality, but i needed to discuss how i can approach things, not talk about 'him' specifically, but felt she couldn't get me out of the door quick enough when i mentioned 'mental illness', issuing me with a print out of 'services' that may help and a 'try them'.
As i type, he has gone to bed in a sulk over a nail versus a screw! another all or nothing situation and i dared to disagree with what it was i wanted. Now the 'mood' will last another day, eggshells are out again, i despair.
Financially i'm in a delicate situation until the sale of my rental property has materialised, if it weren't for that i really think i would call it a day. Am i deluding myself trying to look for answers and resolve, that just isn't there ?
 
I feel increasingly frustrated now, not only with dealing with my BPD, but the lack of help available.

[isilme]

Hi there.  There is little external help for a lot of reasons.  There was a good article on here that spoke of how MDs and Psych Drs don't like to officially diagnose BPD simply because there's no simply RX to prescribe.  It's all behavioral modifications, which require the person in question to be mindful of their actions AND able and willing to accept at least some of the responsibility for the drama in their lives.  A hallmark of BPD is simply the inability to do any of that.

Since I've been on this site for about 10 years, I can say that we are not in "high conflict" mode as often.   I am codependent. I grew up trying to please and meditate for my two BPD parents as an only child, and so I am VERY wired to take the blame, and to try to "fix" things.  This has been my biggest challenge - stop doing that. 

This is something we can all do, regardless of what the outside world can offer as help - look at what you do to help the situation.  See if you are actually enabling or even invalidating in the process, making thigns worse. 

Like this - H ahs a problem.  I try to fix it for him.  Instead of listening to him and validating hie FEELINGS about the problem, I took it away from him and invalidated his FEELINGS by removing the very cause for them.  "Why ae you mad?  XYZ no longer is an issue?"  He can't process this, and so needs to vent those feelings anyway, as they still exist, so he may try to vent them ON me. 

BPD is an emotional disability.  Nature and nurture I think are both at the root, where one sibling can have it and another won't, but basically, in a nutshell, you have an adult who lost some coping/soothing skill as almost a toddler, and never managed to fully move past that level of emotional response.  I am not trying to be insulting, and never encourage anyone to call their pwBPD a toddler, but I speak in analogy.  We know when a toddler loses their temper and screams "I hate you!" to not let it hurt.  But we expect more from an adult, and if an adult screams "I hate you!" you believe "wow, that's a grown ass person, who must be really worked up to ever scream that, and it MUST mean it's 100% true." 

And at that time, the pwBPD, lost in their emotions, might feel that is true... .and in 10 minutes, their emotions can reset, and to avoid shame, they "forget" they said that.  Emotions are facts for them, so if hey hate you at the moment, they have hated you forever and forever will hate you.  If hey love you at that moment, they could never have said anything mean to you.  Now is the sum total of all time.  Much like a child.

BPD is also largely about avoid shame - this can manifest in lots of ways.  Blaming everyone else for any and everything.  "Forgetting" things happened.  Re-writing history so someone else did things.  Actively or passively avoiding all responsibility so nothing can be their fault.  Starting a fight with you so they can excuse being angry with you for starting a fight.  Picking at little things to distract from big things they've done/not done.  They will fixate on things like nails versus screws to avoid looking at real issues. 

We can't "fix" them.  We can love them in spite of their outbursts.  We can lovingly work to make them less reliant on us as their emotional vent.  We can lovingly stop enabling bad behavior.  We can lovingly let them fail sometimes instead of spreading ourselves so thin we can't keep up with anything. 

Look at the lessons, post her as it helps.

Also, I will discourage asking him to read your diary.  There is no way to make sure he takes from what you wrote what you intend to communicate.  Empathy is not a strong muscle in a pwBPD, which is what you want.  You want empathy and remorse for the bad behavior.  And that "might" come.  One day.  It would likely result in handing him ammo to use against you in any and all future arguments.  Or, like my dad did to me, it can be photo copied and shared out of context to make you look bad.  Dad mailed excerpts from my 10 year diary (ages 11-19) to family and my BF's family to embarrass me and paint me to be a whore so his treatment of me would look justified.  I was a lonely child and teen, and vented my feelings of how I was not loved in there, and yes, the excitment of fiding a BF at 19 years old.  Instead, he looked crazy to outsiders.  His family thought it was fine and normal.  So I had to stop talking to them.

For now, work on being less available to yell at when an outburst is coming.  Find an errand that can't wait.  Leave the room if you can.  It takes time and practice, but being less available lest your H learn to manage his emotions alone, AND protects you from them.  To a point.

How about you maybe share this site (without disclosing your username) to your kids?  There is a section to help kids with BPD parents heal, and maybe work on their relationships, too.  I had to go No Contact for my own sanity, but some people are able to wade through the relationship with the tools on here, and improve it. 

[whittsend]

... .i forgot to mention, i am working on my 'validation' skills and would like to thank everyone for the advice, i feel like a small child opening a book for the very first time.
W xx

[whittsend]

Hi, and thank you for the input. Yes i am realising that there is little i can do to find external support and by the nature of BPD it is unlikely that my BPD s.o will ever seek help.
So it appears that you alone within these limitations, but thank god for this site !
I don't usually find myself accepting blame for his behaviours but rather i do try and avoid a situation before it emerges, this does take some doing sometimes and is not always possible, depending where we are or the situation, it is terribly exhausting being on 'high alert' continuously. Like you say about being similar to a toddler tantrum, and no, there is absolutely no offence taken there, i fully agree with you as most of the time it is exactly like dealing with a petulant toddler or a hormonal teenager. And that i'm afraid is how my BPD is treated on such occasions, if he wishes to throw a tantrum or have a teenage 'strop' he is on his own, i walk away and let him get on with it, and it is like watching someone have an argument with themselves, he will slam doors, throw things, stomp up or down the stairs, just to remind you that he is still there and still angry/upset or annoyed that you aren't giving him any attention.
I feel more enlightened with your comments about avoiding shame. This is very much an issue, how ever small or huge. He lied to me for 3 years when we met, telling me he was separated from his wife, he wasn't. when i would confront him about all the things that 'just didn't add up' he would tell me that i was mad and spend too much time in my own head. He said that he couldn't tell me he was married because he didn't want to lose me, he sucked me in and made me feel so extraordinarily special i was hooked by then. When they did separate, he was pleading with me to stay while bombarding her with visits and emails begging her to take him back. At the same time as meeting other women from online dating sites for sex !
Both his daughter have suffered too, both exhibit BPD traits, although in different ways and they are now both estranged from him. He has a 3 year old grand daughter that he has never seen - for reasons contributing from both sides.
I have given up on the diary as i just couldn't keep up with it, and knew deep down it wouldn't make any difference in the long run.
Your suggestion to share this site with the kids is a great idea, and i have already shown my youngest daughter around it. None of my 3 daughters live with me now, the youngest is 15 now and lives with dad, so she is much safer from things, although i never leave her with my soBPD because of his targeting, and the older 2 have their own lives now and i see them mainly away from my home.
They are all aware of his 'difficulties' and always come to me first with anything to avoid any 'negative' reactions from him.
A massive thank you for the time and advice you have offered, i can't tell you how much it helps. It helps to know that my thoughts are rational ones, and i'm not mad, yet !
W xx

[ArleighBurke]

Whether to stay or leave is your choice. He may never be "cured". There is hope that he can get a little better even if he doesn't go into therapy - just by how you grow and develop. But ultimately it is up to you. With time, you can learn Validation, which should help make things better. You can also learn to be a bit more thick skinned (not meaning this in a bad way - but you can learn to accept that 95% of his moods are about HIM, so you can stand back emotionally and not let things bother you - that takes time to be comfortable with).

It really is exhausting living with a BPD - but some of us choose to stay.

For the diary - I started one when I first learnt about BPD. It tooks me HOURS to document the interactions from each weekend. But over time I wrote less, because I noticed that the same patterns were playing out - so it really just because "normal behaviour".

[whittsend]

Good evening everyone who has been so kind, informative and hugely supportive to my situation.
I felt that i had to just post a final update before i close for good.
I struggled for a very long time to understand my SO's issues, and once i had read, researched, posted on here and digested all the information and seifted through it, coming to realise exactly what his issues were - Borderline/Narcisstic/High Conflict personality (i'm not sure how common it is to suffer from all these together ? - i then had a decision to make.
Can i continue in this relationship ? After much consideration, i'm afraid it was a no. I had lost so much already and simply wasn't prepared to be his target of blame for the rest of my life (as there was no one else left for him to target) and i just hadt got the energy anymore.
I told him it was over, and his reaction was exactly as expected. Distress, followed by rage, followed by charming and more rage. I tried to be supportive, made no mention to his behaviour and told him it was all about me and what i wanted and needed.
The charming and rage cycle continued for some weeks, he regularly would barge into my bedroom in the middle of the night accusing me of affairs, spreading rumours and gossip about him etc
This eventually came to a head and i had to throw him out of the house. He broke in, smashed in doors, stole door keys and i had to resort to police intervention.
The smear campaign is now in full swing, and he is convincing as many people as possible that i am insane, as expected, he is also attempting to sabatage my business at every opportunity
I understand his issues and that he will never change, he would NEVER seek help, and if he did initially it would only be because of his desperation to not be 'abandoned', it wouldn't last long, and we would be back where we started.
I feel relieved, i can breathe again and i have my children, friends and family back.
He was online 'dating for sex' within a week of me telling him it was over.
I know i have made the right decision for me, and he will begin a new cycle again with someone else.
I know the frustration i feel about his current antics will pass and he will eventually run out of gas, it is easing now and suspect that he has found a new 'focus' to concentrate on ... .knowing his 'living in the moment' thought process's and he is leaving me alone because he has something else to occupy him.
so, a massive, huge thank you to all of you, this whole experience would have been so much more unbearable without you and this amazing website.
:-)