My partner self-harms in front of me when things don't go her way.

[blueeyedtransguy]

Hello everyone;
I am 25 years young and my partner is nearly 24 years young... .We have been together on and off for 2 years and to be honest I can't see myself being with anyone else but her even with the "illness".

Simply put, the past few weeks have been extremely rough and though I have been doing more research than my brain can handle yesterday/today, I am still wanting to know what others think I should do; simply because I want to make our relationship the best that it can be.

Whenever I say something that she does not like, do something she doesn't like, provide her with brutal honesty, remind her that if she doesn't keep up with her health she would have to go back home until she can take care of herself around me or simply tell her that we need to take some space from one another (simply because she knows I am not the type of person to argue and fight or talk immediately after, I want time to think and come back to talk.) She will tell me she's going to kill herself, she will find a razor blade and slash her wrists in front of me, she will tell me "I hate you." "You don't love me." "You never cared about me." etc. When I attempt to remove the razor blade from her hands, she will attack me and hit me... .She becomes somebody that I don't know... .Somebody that personally, I am scared of.

Anytime she hits this point, it is like talking to a 2 year old with a razor... .On the 5th of September it got to the point that I had to call the police and now we have to be apart for 72 hours minimal... .With the time I have away from her, no matter how much it hurts my heart and soul; I am using it to my advantage... .To learn how to help her, to learn how to react in a time like these, to understand what is going through her head and how to fix our relationship.
Please help, I am going to marry this girl one day and I am not going to give up on her.
- A concerned and willing to learn partner of someone with BPD.

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[pearlsw]

Hi, This sounds extremely serious and at a point where there must be professional help. Do you live together or just stay over with each other? You both need someone who understands BPD very well, at the least she (if not both of you) needs therapeutic support. In the meantime I would suggest you read up carefully on the disorder. Fear of abandonment is at the core of this so if you say you may leave the relationship that has an extremely painful impact on her.

On the other hand, if this is beyond your ability to handle, and parts of it certainly are, professionals need to help. It is not safe for either of you. But things can improve and you can find a way (or at least try) if you so desire, okay?

She  has been using this technique (cutting) since long before you so it is not your fault, okay? I had a boyfriend once who self-harmed by punching himself extremely hard over and over again in the head. I think males tend to self-harm differently so it was therefore hard to research this online at the time many years ago and left me very confused. It was jaw droppingly shocking. He was a great guy and had so much going for him, an incredible sense of humor, talented musician, dedicated educator, and was kind of a genius, etc., etc. but he would turn his pain on himself. He felt deep shame over it too that he could not hide it. He never directed it at me, but when he felt he was upset with himself he'd hit himself uncontrollably, even while driving! It happens because some people have trouble regulating their emotions. It is shocking and painful to witness.

Again, both of you need support. You must have a set plan for dealing with this I think. Take care!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi blueeyed

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through so many difficulties in your relationship. The threat of self harm anytime you have an argument must be scary.

pearlsw has made some very good points in that it sounds like things have reached a crisis point where either you, her, or both could be seriously injured. It's imperative that you set up a plan on what to do when she begins to self harm. Trying to take the razors out of her hand is not working as it leads to physical violence. Your plan may include having her hospitalized when she becomes so violent towards herself. I know this can be hard to see, but this goes beyond cutting for self soothing. This is intent to harm herself.

Here is a link to one of our workshops on suicidal ideation in others. This might help you come up with some ideas on setting a plan for her to get help when she begins to self harm:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

As for your relationship though, you mentioned that you use brutal honesty with her. For someone with BPD, this will not work. We have a couple of tools called validation and SET could go a long way in helping her feel like she is being heard. People with BPD fear rejection and being brutally honest without being sympathetic could trigger intense rejection in her. Could you share an example of the conversation when you shared something honest that you said to her that caused her to get upset?