Dealing With DIL and family issues

[Grammyto5]

After 17 years of dealing with our DIL, a friend at church recommended I see a family therapist.  I was so tired of the sleepless nights, rejection, angry emails, crying, constantly praying for God to show me what I could do differently and trying to figure out what I did wrong.  After sharing a few examples of my DIL's behavior with my therapist, she assured me it was not me. I was probably dealing with an uBPD.  She suggested I read up on the disorder and take good care of myself (more exercise, eat well and do things for me).  What a revelation it has been to find out I am not alone.  I've been reading the blogs and just finished reading THE ESSENTIAL FAMILY GUIDE TO BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER by Randi Kreger.  Our son definitely shows signs of a nonBP.  Their behavior has definitely affected our son's relationship with his brother and our extended family. Due to our DIL's rude behavior on several occasions to family members, especially our nephew's wife, they are no longer invited to extended family celebrations.  They would probably not go anyway.  They have opted out of extended family Christmas for several years.  Our extended family thinks she hates them.  It is always the "elephant in the room" when we attend family events (always without them and our three grandchildren).  My question is:  Do I confide in family members that our DIL probably has a personality disorder?  It has helped me to think of it as she's ill.  Any other suggestions for dealing with extended family? 
Also an suggestions for books/articles?  Thanks so much for listening! 

[Kwamina]

Hi Grammyto5

I like your screenname Welcome to bpdfamily.

Not knowing what you are dealing with can sometimes make it very hard to determine how best to move forward. Now that you know about BPD and are educating yourself about the disorder, this will hopefully enable you to cope with this all better. Great that you had that friend to talk to and now also have a therapist to guide you through this.

My question is:  :)o I confide in family members that our DIL probably has a personality disorder?  It has helped me to think of it as she's ill.

I am not certain if it is a good idea to share this with your extended family-members. Perhaps it's best to let them come to their own conclusions and stay out of whatever relationship they have or don't have with your DIL. I think it's clear to everyone involved that your DIL has certain issues no matter what label you put on it. My advice for the immediate future would be to focus on yourself and your own well-being and the relationship you have with your son and DIL.

When dealing with uBPD individuals you can often quite easily lose yourself and forget about your own well-being as you try to make sense of the confusing BPD behaviors. That's why I think your friend's advice of self-care is very good