So my H was the one who pointed out to me that I placed the same type of demands on him that he places on me. It's been several months and I don't remember what the topic even was, but he had been in a pretty stable place and I was the one running around angry and resentful. I was in some heavy black and white thinking and I just started barking orders at him. In a rare moment of him using appropriate communication, he said, "It's not fair of you to tell me what to do when you don't like me to tell you what to do." I was floored. I wanted to get angry but what he said was absolutely true.
I had a standard for myself in that I could give him demands, but if he put demands on me it was because he is unreasonable and has BPD. I really started to take a good look at myself and my need to control.
Discussion questions:
What demands are made of us and what demands do we make?
Honestly, my H isn't very demanding (most of the time). He goes through periods where he gets short and bossy, but they are usually in regards to something we are doing (such as fixing something or cooking a meal together). On the other hand, I tend to be more demanding. I say things such as "If you don't stop spending, I'm going to take your debit card away."
What determines a reasonable vs. an unreasonable demand?
I'd say a reasonable demand is one that has to do with safety and/or could have dire consequences. An unreasonable demand would take away his choice, his ability to be responsible for himself, his thoughts, his opinion, and even his behavior. Unreasonable demands occur when I start treating him like my child instead of my spouse (and vice versa for him). Unreasonable demands are about controlling another person, not helping them grow or protecting them from true harm.
How do we respond when demands are made of us?[/i]
For me, it depends on what mood I'm in. In the far past, I would just do whatever he told me to do because I was in FOG and walking on egg shells all the time.
Now that I have some better skills, I tend to evaluate what is going on with the demands... .is he just grumpy and barking orders or is he feeling out of control?
If he is just grumbling orders at me, I tend to consider it junk behavior meant to rile me and I try not to give junk behavior attention. I just continue on with what I'm doing, as if I didn't hear him. Or I will calmly acknowledge that I heard him. If I can tell he is feeling out of control, I will validate and ask how I can help him.
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For instance, last night we were cooking dinner together (which is often a recipe for disaster). I was cooking bacon and he was sauteing some veggies. He used to work in a kitchen so he turns into Chef Ramsey when we cook together. He started telling me how to cook the bacon and came over, grabbed the handle of the pan and moved it to another place on the stove while scolding me that the burner was too hot. I didn't argue with him. I instead just moved out of his way and let him do whatever he felt like he needed to do. (I ignored it because to me this was junk behavior)
Throughout the rest of the meal prep, he began to get sharp and bossy. I could tell that he was having a real issue with control and needing to be right. I validated by asking him questions about what he thought next steps in cooking should be, asking about cooking time, etc. He responded well and since he could tell that I was interested in interacting with him and seeking his "guidance" he backed off on his demands.
In the past, this conversation would have looked like me getting mad, telling him I was doing things right, him getting mad and yelling, and me storming off telling him that if he knew so much he could do it himself.
