It hurts knowing someone you sacrificed so much for blames you for their pain

[sadboi]

A year ago today was the first time my ex and I got together. It hit me really hard. I spent a lot of today thinking about that first night together, and it was so beautiful, and that caused me to think about a lot of other happy memories and I cried like I haven't cried in weeks.

In the last few conversations I had with my ex, she would get very upset if I ever brought up happy memories; she'd say they hurt too much. She is with someone else now, and I'm certain she remembers today, too. But I'm sure in her head she is thinking how thankful she is to have a "better" girlfriend in her life, how after everything I "put her through" she is finally doing better.

Sometimes I get so painfully sad at the thought of all the bad things she thinks of me, at the way I know she doesn't like to think about the good. I know I was never perfect, but she stopped remembering all the good in the end as a way to devalue me.

I'm so sad today. I wish she would just remember the good. I wish she wasn't spending the day hating me. I know it shouldn't make a difference to how I am growing and moving on, and I've gotten to a point where on most days it doesn't. But today it is hitting me extra hard. Today I feel terribly sad and I miss her more than I've missed her in weeks. Today I am devastated at the thought of being devalued.

Please any support from anyone who knows this feeling would be so greatly appreciated. I am in so much pain today, and none of the people in my life can fully understand this.

[Angel3287]

Hi sadboi,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time today but it's totally normal and don't beat yourself up over it.

While I am fresh out of my relationship with my xBPDbf (1.5 months), I can totally relate to the sadness that comes with thinking about your ex devaluing you in their mind or to another person. From my experience, it truly is a COPING MECHANISM to avoid their own shame, guilt and other forms of emotional pain.

When she says the good memories hurt too much - it's true! It hurts for us, too, knowing that the good times were the best but, ultimately, were washed away with the bad times. In retrospect with our other relationships, we are also prone to a more mild form of devaluation to help us detach from our exes, i.e. they never remembered x, I hated y about them, it was always z with them etc. etc... Their version is to an extreme of ours, as is everything, so if she's feeling sad too today and thinking of you you can expect two things:

1) She is reminiscing and depressed over having lost someone who cared for her and who she cared for (in her way). This may result in reaching out or other forms of coping, i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex etc.

2) She is angry (and depressed) and is devaluing herself/you/the relationship in order to protect herself and maintain a sense of control.

It is truly sad and I share your pain from my ex. His birthday is on Saturday and I am very conflicted (it's the big 5-0) and I know it will come with MANY triggers. We planned to share it together and I still have his gift, one that most likely will end up being one for myself.

Stay strong and do something special for you today. You deserve it

[sadboi]

Angel3287,

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I am very sorry you find yourself in a comparable situation.

I think what is making me most sad is that today, because of the devaluation and because she is with someone else, she is not sad over me, but instead thinking bad things, blaming me for everything, feeling like she is healing and free of me.

I want her to be happy and healthy, I really really do. I know she has had a lifetime of pain and that every way she hurt me was unintentional. I don't wish anything bad on her. It is just so so so hard to know someone almost isn't remembering the truth, to know that I am so sad over her and that she doesn't even miss me. I know she knows what day it is, but I know she doesn't miss me.

Thank you again for your reply, it means so much to me.

[Angel3287]

In all honesty, we will never know what they feel from moment to moment. I know I have cycled through love, hate and everything in between these past few weeks and I am emotional stable ( I think!).

Now imagine someone who has trouble regulating emotions. If today reminded you of someone you've lost or left you, would you be feeling positive about it? Probably not. It IS incredibly sad that you need to be the bad guy for them to move on in survival mode -- heartbreaking, really. The truth is that she hasn't forgotten but the thought of the good times triggers anger/depression (negative emotions), which she will project onto you and/or the relationship. We all struggle with this and in a moment of clarity, she will remember the positive emotions that came with the good times.

Without real self-reflective work (therapy, spiritual healing etc.), it is highly unlikely that she will recover anytime soon. I am also in the process of accepting this fact and letting go of their thoughts and emotions while they are still "in the dark", is the only way for something positive to come out of this relationship/experience.

[sadboi]

Angel3287,

You have such a firm understanding of things. The clarity you you present is so thought out. I have moments of feeling so confident in my understanding of things, but sometimes when I get so upset and emotional it's like all my understanding and learning doesn't matter- my feelings can take over.

Sometimes being so understanding and reasonable is just so hard. My ex really hurt me. Why do I have to be the one to be so strong and rational? Why do I have to hurt so much?

I'm sad. I'm hurt. Today has been terrible.

[Sargeras]

Hey buddy,

I'm sorry you're going thru a rough time. Believe me I know it hurts. This was me two weeks ago.

Let her play the blame game. She says these things in the hopes that repeating it will elevate her position and she can feel better about herself. But she knows the truth. She knows who you are. The relationship she's in now is destined for failure.

You're going through a really emotional time in your life right now. Your emotions will ask the questions, answer them, and draw the plans. Throughout the days and weeks ahead, you'll tell yourself all kinds of things that aren't true: "she doesn't care for me, I was a drop in the well for her, she's forgotten about me, she doesn't think about me, she's moved on" etc etc.

OF COURSE SHE MISSES YOU. I guarantee it. You spent a year together. That doesn't just dissolve. Whether you don't get back together or you do, she'll remember you for a life time.

Dwelling on whether she does miss you or she doesn't only serves to waste your time. While it's unavoidable, I encourage you to try to sit with your emotions. Remember they're EMOTIONS. Not reality.

When you break up with someone, the same chemicals are firing off in your brain that were present when you first got together. It's all a delusion. You'll remember things 10x better than they were.

All you have to do, is decide what to do with the time you are given. Focus on you. Not her. She's no longer on the elemental charts. Pretend she doesn't exist. This is your time to heal. Splash yourself with some cold water and hit the gym. Get shredded. I've been working out a lot lately. After a couple weeks of making myself do it, I look forward to it now. It feels great. When I get done working out, I'm pretty carefree. Life doesn't seem so overwhelming. This awkward situation I'm in with my BPDexgf doesn't seem like such an awful thing. Don't get me wrong- I get anxious sometimes. I get nervous sometimes- I seek out reassurance from people. But I'd be a psycho to believe I'm not going to bounce back and make a full recovery.

If you find yourself thinking about her, no problem. That's natural. If you want to reach out on here and vent/ask questions, I encourage you to do so. You know that Gloria Gaynor song "I Will Survive"? That woman speaks the truth. You will grow stronger in the days ahead. Time is your ally.

Focus on YOU.

Remember, you can't dwell on it. You can't dwell on any of it.

Go work out.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm so sad today. I wish she would just remember the good. I wish she wasn't spending the day hating me.

Hey sadboi, I'm sorry you are feeling down.  The sad reality is that you can't control what she remembers or whether she spends the day hating you, so my suggestion is to let it go.  When in doubt, you might want to consult the Serenity Prayer.  I recommend putting your energy where your power is, i.e., over the things within your control (mostly yourself).

LuckyJim

[Angel3287]

Totally agree with LuckyJim -- we have to put our power in the things we can control (ourselves).

Being the "strong" one sucks, but being strong also means allowing yourself to be weak at times too. It's ok that you're down and out at the moment because it will pass and it's a good time to practice self care.

Self care? Yup. How? Good question.

I would suggest anything that makes you feel strong/confident and/or is in service to other people (charity work, community service, friends/family etc.). I found that helping other people in some need and seeing how much they value your time and energy will give you perspective on your lost relationship. I'm not saying that your ex didn't appreciate what you did for her in the relationship but it, sadly, was never going to be enough. Give to those who are grateful for what you can give without losing yourself.