Really need some insights here, please.

[thekenoshakid]

Folks, I am having alot of pain today and really need some insight.
I've been 3 months no contact after ending a friendship with a person who displays VERY strong traits of BPD... .you can check my other threads, but long story short, I had a romantic interest in this person who I feel manipulated me quite badly into thinking she felt the same way. When I expressed how I felt and alluded to her signals, she told me to "never believe an actress" (literally gas lighting to the max). The whole time, she was triangulating me with her very dysfunctional relationship that was in a never ending on-off cycle.
Finally, after hearing the actress comment, I cowboy'd up and told her I never wanted to see her again and booted her out the door, extremely hurt by what was going on. She seemed to be in this weird state of denial repeating over and over that this wasn't the end. I told her it absolutely was and she drove away.
Over the course of the past few months, after seeing a FB posted pic of her and her ex (positive it was a deliberate attempt to hurt me), I have gone completely NO CONTACT. It has not been an easy time and the pain is excruciating still.
In anycase, a friend told me that she had recently been posting these very passive aggressive quotes on her wall - directed at being extremely hurt (all of which sound like blatant projection) and apparently she has even become a huge part of a public anti bullying group... .needless to say, it all seems set up to make me feel and look like the bad guy. I told my bud I didn't want to hear this stuff but he thought a heads up was a good idea... .
I even did some googling on no contact regarding PD's etc... .and saw a site describing narcissistic silent treatment. It looks brutal, but in a way, I feel like NC is doing this to her. It makes me feel sick to be acting this way (talk about a mind fu*k).
I know she has terribly traumatic abandonment issues stemming from early childhood... .so I feel like a real monster here. And all for standing up for myself to end the nasty drama train I was on. I know she can't be doing too mentally well with this and now all I can think of is trying to contact her to set things right... .I'm worried for her safety and do indeed still have feelings for her.
How do I handle this? I have a hunch a publicized revenge/smear campaign is on the way and I don't wish to keep hurting someone I care about... .but the thought of facing her again seems like the most painful thing of all - I am literally frozen. Please give a fella some insights!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey kenoshakid, How do you propose to "set things right" by contacting her?  I wonder if this is a realistic expectation on your part?  Suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer.  In general, those of us who engage in recycle attempts, including myself, end up in the same place.  Suggest you tread carefully before opening yourself up to more pain. 

LuckyJim

[vanx]

I think others will have better advice than I, but I wanted to validate the pain of thinking you are hurting someone you care about. It does sound like you did a good job of protecting yourself, but are struggling with her being hurt and your missing her. I would say that I think it is entirely valid to protect yourself and your emotions in this situation. You're not a monster. It's ok to take care of yourself, and it sounds like part of what you are protecting also is that you have feelings for her that are not being reciprocated or
it sounds like respected.
Pehaps a lot of the pain is coming from your judgements about yourself. Again, you owe it to yourself to prioritize your own well being! Hang in there. I think the pain is there to teach us. Is there something you could do today to be kind to yourself and get your mind off
things a little?

[Skip]

she told me to "never believe an actress" (literally gas lighting to the max).

This is probably not true - this was just said to push your buttons.

she was triangulating me with her very dysfunctional relationship that was in a never ending on-off cycle.

OK, dating two guys at the same time... .

In anycase, a friend told me that she had recently been posting these very passive aggressive quotes on her wall - directed at being extremely hurt

OK, she feels someone hurt her.

saw a site describing narcissistic silent treatment. It looks brutal, but in a way, I feel like NC is doing this to her. It makes me feel sick to be acting this way

Cutting off contact and going your own way is not abnormal (unless we are missing part of the story here)

I know she can't be doing too mentally well with this and now all I can think of is trying to contact her to set things right... .I'm worried for her safety and do indeed still have feelings for her.

If this is about guilt, let it go. However you acted, good or bad, is in the past.

It sounds more like a desire to possibly reconnect - to see where she is, etc.  If you want to do that, the Saving Board is the best place for advice. In short, the best thing to do is to send a short, upbeat text and see if she engages... .

[thekenoshakid]

Thank you, Lucky Jim.

I think it's this overwhelming guilt I have for just cutting someone out like that. I understand NC is for our benefit, but it makes me feel like a really terrible person. And It's a rock and a hard place. Very difficult for me right now.referencing her childhood abandonment issues, I really don't wish to drive any further stakes into her - the damage is already beyond traumatic... .
But she is horribly toxic to have emotions for... .like radiation. You feel it kill you but you can't put your finger on it and then suddenly you get side swiped in the worst possible way.

Vanx,

I really appreciate your words. What really makes this hard is the illness. If she is indeed BPD (I'd bet a fortune on that), she literally can't connect and it's not her fault. I've learned about something called Detached Protector mode where pwBPD put up a mask to hide their true emotions, literally numbing them. If she was reacting this way to protect herself, i.e the illness talking and burying her true feelings, then I really do feel horrible... .but I appreciate the encouragement. I have to help myself first and I was certain that ride was going to get brutally toxic. Her on/off ex had HORRIBLE, passive aggressive things done to him so I don't see why that would change here. Thank you for the perspective.

Skip,

Thank you. Could you clarify a bit on the actress comment? This is what really set me off and dictated the course of action. Could she possibly be protecting herself when she said it (see previous comment about detached protector)? Why push my buttons this way? I definitely had signals from her. (I referenced to her a moment when this occurred when she was very vulnerable - I did not act on it to refrain from taking advantage of her)... .There were other times too... .CERTAIN of that or else I wouldn't have acted on the romantic angle.

[Lucky Jim]

she is horribly toxic to have emotions for... .like radiation. You feel it kill you but you can't put your finger on it and then suddenly you get side swiped in the worst possible way.

That's a good analogy, kk.  Before dipping your toe back in the toxic swamp, you might want to take precautions and consider whether you are finding it hard to resist the role of White Knight?

LuckyJim

[Skip]

Could she possibly be protecting herself when she said it (see previous comment about detached protector)? Why push my buttons this way?

I'm not sure I know the exact psychology behind "you can't fire me, I quit" but I think that is what she was saying, more or less.

[thekenoshakid]

Understandable about the White Knight role. I may need to do a bit of introspection here, as I seem to have been with a few different gals like this. It never ends well... .

Is it wise to reengage her atm, especially when some of her hurtful posts appear quite volatile? If it's painted black... .I am definitely there. She seems to have taken all of her underhanded crap out of the equation and hasn't been able to factor in that the silence on my end is to step away ~a direct result of her callousness.

[Skip]

She seems to have taken all of her underhanded crap out of the equation and hasn't been able to factor in that the silence on my end is to step away ~a direct result of her callousness.

You might be misleading yourself by assigning all these intents to her actions. You are not in a good place to know her intent - you are not even in contact.

Stick to the obvious here and don't over commitment yourself to understanding what she is thinking in real time - so many members do this and they inevitably over extend themselves on some inaccurate mental assessment.

The most you can conclude is that she feels hurt about something at some level. Everything else is wild conjecture.

If she is feeling down, she might me open to hearing from you - or she might strongly resist. If you are interested, you need to test the water carefully.

[Harley Quinn]

If you went NC with her a few months ago (please correct me if I'm misunderstanding) and she had another man in her life, it strikes me that it is quite probable that her current upset is in relation to someone she is/has been close to right now in the present.  Just to throw it out there. 

I knew my ex's behaviour to the letter and I noticed in passing that his profile picture on WhatsApp altered at one point after our split to some bitter meme about knowing the ones who are true friends and those who aren't or something like that.  Someone else was getting that venom that I'd received the first time he dysregulated on me.  He had another woman in his life after the breakup, so I knew it wasn't aimed at me. 

Let yourself off the hook.  You are not responsible for her feelings, even if she is blaming you for them.  Only she is.  Time to take care of your own feelings now.

Love and light x 

[thekenoshakid]

Harley Quinn,

Her ex has always been in recycle mode and has been EXTREMELY jealous of the connection she and I share. Her post definitely applies to how things went down with her and I, but his current actions could definitely cause her to erupt this way as well, I suppose.
I am also worried about the fall out - I do tend to keep to myself and she is the type of person who covertly abuses but puts on a strong anti-abuse front (especially publicly, and her career is very audience based). I'm really afraid of ending up in some smear campaign because I get the feeling that though she wrongs... .as soon as she is wronged the gates of hell open up, and by god, look out.

Thoughts here would also be appreciated - I was also pretty confused because she stated her relationship with the ex is entirely physical, with no emotional basis at all (although he has some extreme mental health issues). She said that she and I share a soulmate connection (emotionally through the roof - this feels true), but absolutely no physical connection (which is weird because I've seen it come to the surface so many times... .just never acted upon). That and in honesty, I feel I have a reasonable up on her ex in the physical end of things... .this is not being smug, just an honest confession. If we have that kind of connection, it's very confusing to see her bounce to a mentally unwell guy for physical stuff (seems like either a downright lie or it's about control, which would see him not getting very much of anything, anyway). All in all, very confusing. Really appreciating the feedback from you guys though... .it all helps so much to put things into perspective.

[vanx]

It's confusing when someone who called you a soulmate does things to hurt or alienate you. I'm not saying you guys don't have a special connection, but I can relate here because the passionate words and hurtful actions of my ex did not match and left me very puzzled.
I think it's something that alot of us went through and is one of the main bpdfamily things that keep us stuck, clinging to the words that were said. I imagine you are a special guy and deserve a good partner--don't get me wrong! I just still remember some of the wonderful things my ex said, what made me different from the other guys. It made me feel so special, but she changed her mind so quickly and dramatically. I think she was in love with an idea more than my complex, deepest self.
Pay close attention to her actions and see if they match the words. Hang in there--I know it's a tough time.

[Skip]

she is not able to sustain a romantic connection at this point in her life and that the romantic element of this dynamic is just not there. To her, she says the situation feels like a soulmate, but though she has tried within herself to to approach it this way, she just isn't able. When asked if fear is a contributing factor, she says fear is always a huge factor for her and she is confused by the situation, because everything she is looking for is right in front of her, she just can't make the romantic connection.

Looking at this earlier post, she says, more or less, great in all ways, but not sexual for her... .And you say, currently, she maintains a relationship with a prior boyfriend man who she is intimate with and he is on her Facebook page.

If you contact her, what are you hoping to have happen?

[thekenoshakid]

Skip,

Maybe looking for closure? I do not like the way it ended, and I do not like the idea of shutting someone out who is being hurt by it, despite the drama I've been through. That and there seemed to be ALOT of mixed signals on her end... .maybe I would like some answers. I've heard the expression for BPD'S, "operating on the edge of repel/attract, sometimes even in the same second"... .this would describe many interactions with her.
As far as the ex goes, I don't know if that's still going on... .the post was from the summer. All I saw from her was that she constantly berated him behind his back and the few times I met him, she seemed to do some pretty brutal things to him. I'm pretty sure the first time he met me (she and I were out, as friends at that point, a few years back, before all of this)... .we were at a table and when he came around the corner he seemed so shocked he backed up and gasped ~ like he was surprised to see me sitting with her... .I don't think she told him she would be with me at this event and he seemed broken at that point. I brushed it off at the time, because we were with other people at the place, but it seemed strange, shaking this guys hand and watching crumble inexplicably in front of me... .  I have a feeling he was dealing with the same type of responses that I was, 'romantically', so to speak and I would be quite surprised if there was any physical intimacy between the two... .she literally did not seem to be capable of it. When she'd get herself close enough to me to send those signals (very direct), she would pull away quickly after and brush it off. I could be wrong, of course, maybe it was just with me (or maybe the fact that there was an emotional connection too), but it would seem strange. There's a difference between being interested and too frightened to get close, versus no sexual chemistry at all... .I feel I have a pretty good handle on the read... .it isn't my first ballgame, so to speak, but I guess if someone may have BPD related issues, all bets are off