Need help seek regulating

[snowglobe]

Hello All, as many of you probably read I'm in a relationship with uBPDh for 16 years. He started displaying the symptoms pretty early on, almost a year into our relationships. However, me being in my late teens I had no way of knowing what was happening. I thought that I'm just a really sh$&ty person, who needs to change and then things will work out.

Fast forward, to 16 years, his symptoms take spikes and become much too regular and severe. Growing up with uBPD parent made me grow up well before my time, always feeling responsible for the way my uBPD mother felt. I've been trying my best to provide emotional caregiving to my uBPDh, and it's taking a toll on my health. I'm diagnosed with IBS, have symptoms of ptsd and mild depression.

When he is splitting I fall into catatonic state, unable to carry out even simple tasks around the house. I feel frozen and unable to think of do anything. All I want to do is sleep. Over the last 3 days he's been severely disregulated due to the window dressings and curtains. We replaced all of the windows in the house for the impending sale, as I mentioned in my other posts. Consequently, all of the custom curtain rods are now of a different size. He is very tight with money, borderline stingy, and wants to do everything himself in order to avoid paying for the labour. As a result I have a huge stair in my living room, parts are missing, he is unable to put the dressings back on.

An new/old habit of his that he has recently picked up is leaving to sleep alone. He goes downstairs on the couch, and sleeps there. When I come to ask him to come back to our family bed, he tells me he doesn't feel like it. All my begging and pleadings are being met with irritation and flat out rejection. He tells me that until everything is fixed in the house and the window dressings are complete, he isn't coming back. The list of his demands is growing, it's cleaning out the basement, fixing and painting, all on the fraction of the budget. This man is living in alternative reality where he doesn't know the real value of things, and frankly doesn't care.

Today, after I just broke under pressure he almost threw me off of the couch, and starting telling me that he is so happy that I'm hurting and that he is smiling inside. Told me to get used to crying every night, because this house is important for me. In reality I don't care where to live. My kids need a stable home and security, which they are lacking. As I was walking upstairs crying, my daughter texted me if I'm alright. She heard the aweful things he was spitting at me. Asked me why I have been crying "every day". I told her that it's all part of dad's disorder. However, I know it's taking a physical and emotional toll not only on me, but my kids as well.

 I want to ask those of you, who has large experience in setting the boundaries. Where do I start? How do I begin enforcing it? Not only he rages, when he splits he only spits the profanities at me, when it comes to me speaking to him, he always looks at his phone. All my asking and pleading to speak to me, he avoids listening and looking at me, focusing at the phone. He also has an addictive personality, once he starts doing something he just doesn't stop. Right now he's been playing on his phone all he waking hours except when he works and sleeps.

I AM HURTING SO MUCH, I can't even begging to describe it. All of the emotions many of you describe; the confusion, the anger, the sadness and the feeling of emptiness are all weighting me down.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that you are so hurt right now. Snowglobe. The things our pwBPD say can really cut us deep at times.

TImes of stress can really affect a pwBPD. Selling a house is a high stress situation. The house is out of order and in dissaray. Things are changing. Since control is important to those with BPD, it's no wonder he is out of sorts.

My H also starts projects and never fixes them. He hates to spend money and thinks we can save on labor too. Right now we have a hole in our driveway because he thinks he can fix a septic issue. One thing I've done when it comes to projects like this is I set a timeframe in my mind as to what is acceptable. About a week before the due date, I ask him about the project again, jokingly tell him that if he doens't finish it I'm gong to hire someone to finish it, and put it on a "To-Do List" on the fridge.

If at the end of that time frame he still doesn't get it done, then I find someone to fix it. Before hiring the person I let my H know that I called someone and what the estimated cost is and how long it will take. Most of the time, just hearing the cost is enough to get him to finish the project. Other times he admits he got in over his head and we hire to fix it.

As far as getting your H to come to bed, how has begging and pleading worked for you? What would happen if you just asked your H one time to come to bed and when he said no, you just said, "Ok. Goodnight." and went to bed?

THe place to start with boundaries is to first determine what your values are. What is your responsibility in this relationship? What is his? What is within your control and what isn't? What are willing to tolerate and what are you not willing to tolerate? Remember boundaries are not rules to make your H behave. They are like fences to keep the good things in and the bad things out for you.

[Mutt]

Hi Snowglobe,



  Tattered Heart gave you some pretty good suggestions. You’ve been togeth for 16 years and I’m going to guess that like many us you had floating boundaries. Just keep in mind that he’s not used to boundaries and there’s going to be some lashing out, I’m not trying to discourage you, I’m just letting you know what’s ahead. What’s your support network like in real life? The sake of house, your uBPDh, kids are probably keeping you really busy. When you find time, what do you for self care?