When doing something good for yourself = not doing something for your spouse

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I just recognized an ongoing pattern of behavior and it has me kind of sick to my stomach. Whenever I have something planned for myself, I find that initially it's ok with my wife, but on the day it's supposed to happen it no longer is. She will either not feel well (which means if I go ahead with my plans im being an insensitive a-hole for not being there for her) or she will question 'why' I want to go ahead with said plans. Now mind you, when I say 'plans' I mean something by myself, because I totally have no friends anymore. It could be something like a planned maintenance on the house that will keep me busy all day, or going to run an errand I've been putting off for a while. "Why don't you just wait until ABC, because DEF, and G". In other words, why do anything that will cause her discomfort or inconvenience.
OR the best one is... .if I respond that I want to do something for myself, I'll get the response that she wants to do things for herself too but that it's not always possible. She makes sacrifices to care for our ailing pup on hospice. So how could I just leave her alone to take care of everything? It's selfish and something that SHE would NEVER do (read -I'm a selfish a-hole for leaving her to take care of everything and she's a better martyr than I). It's not like I'm leaving on vacation alone for a week, it's maybe one day!
When did taking care of my own needs equate to neglecting her and her needs?

[Wutnow32]

I just recognized an ongoing pattern of behavior and it has me kind of sick to my stomach. Whenever I have something planned for myself, I find that initially it's ok with my wife, but on the day it's supposed to happen it no longer is. She will either not feel well (which means if I go ahead with my plans im being an insensitive a-hole for not being there for her) or she will question 'why' I want to go ahead with said plans. Now mind you, when I say 'plans' I mean something by myself, because I totally have no friends anymore. It could be something like a planned maintenance on the house that will keep me busy all day, or going to run an errand I've been putting off for a while. "Why don't you just wait until ABC, because DEF, and G". In other words, why do anything that will cause her discomfort or inconvenience.
OR the best one is... .if I respond that I want to do something for myself, I'll get the response that she wants to do things for herself too but that it's not always possible. She makes sacrifices to care for our ailing pup on hospice. So how could I just leave her alone to take care of everything? It's selfish and something that SHE would NEVER do (read -I'm a selfish a-hole for leaving her to take care of everything and she's a better martyr than I). It's not like I'm leaving on vacation alone for a week, it's maybe one day!
When did taking care of my own needs equate to neglecting her and her needs?

[Learn each day]

I really understand and relate to this. For me it was always hubby didn't want to be alone. Doing anything outside of him means I don't love him enough. How could I want to do anything else?

I noticed a pattern in myself and my kids. Especially my kids. He triggered about them having an interest besides him as well. Kid asks dad about doing something. Dad wont answer. He enjoys keeping them on the hook. I started noticing that the kids would completely downplay whatever it was. "Its no big deal. I don't really want to go that bad so its no big deal if you don't want me to." They had to act like they didn't really want to leave in order to keep his feelings soothed and get the answer they wanted. Then I realized that I was doing the same thing.

Sad learned behavior to cope. Ugg!

[pearlsw]

Hi, This sounds so difficult. I am extremely isolated and lost most friends as well through this kind of dynamic. It wears you out.

I am interested to see if any of our fellow board members who are especially skilled at boundary setting might pop by and give us some insights on how to set them on this specific issue. You deserve this time to yourself and I hope you can find a way to get it!

[Learn each day]

The things I mentioned do still happen but not as often. Through counseling my kids have learned to take care of themselves. They no longer play to their dad's needs. I don't either. We are clear and honest about what we would like to do and/or what our needs are. My kids aren't really in a position to set certain boundaries (like leaving or back talk) but they can chose to not participate in any of the guilt or game playing. Usually they just leave the room or such. I maintain boundaries for them and myself. If it causes an escalation then I try to end the conversation - if that doesn't work then I tell him I would rather go over this in counseling with our counselor.

Your wife says she can never get away (of course she is just implying that you are selfish)... .offer to watch things for her to get away. Tell her you think it is important for you 2 to take care of eachother in this way. Maybe even apologize for not realizing that she felt so trapped. Be specific. Ask for a date that she would like to get away. She probably wont even take you up on the offer because we both know her intent wasn't really to be able to get away. Its a control thing.

When she comes up with a health related excuse for you not to leave offer to take care of the pups while she goes to the doctor. Again you are showing you care. If her stomach issue is bad enough that she doesn't want to be left alone then you want her to take care of herself by being seen by a doctor. Again - doubt she will take you up on that for the same reasons as before.

I don't want to sound like I have any more answers then I do. I am fairly new to these boards. I have been married to a BPD for 26 years. Have only truly understood the reasoning behind his behavior for the last 1 1/2 years. Counseling for 1 1/2 years too. Things are still pretty rocky most weeks. This week he "loves" me. Tonight maybe not... .
Still trying to decide how much more effort I want to put into it.

Does your wife see a counselor? Do you?

[Wutnow32]

Learn each day. You are so spot on with her behavior of complaining about not having time but then not really having anything specific she really wants to do, so even if I offered, there would be nothing to take me up on.
However, this past weekend, she did go away. She asked if it would be selfish of her to go away for the weekend and leave me to care for the pup alone. I said absolutely not, that it's a good thing to get away and recharge. Yay, she actually is doing something!
Fast forward, I find out not only is she visiting family but old 'friends' too, one of whom is some guy she's been flirting with on FB. She tells me they have talked on the phone, and although she would never 'do' anything, she feels he has great energy and when they talk it's effortless. Like finishing each other's sentences. Unlike her and I where it's like 'pulling teeth'
She told me that she was being flirty and I said that flirting was harmless so long as that's all it was. Then she goes away this weekend and I see on her computer, that she's still logged into FB. I couldn't help but look at their messages and find out she's told him that we are separated and that she has been ready for a long while now but that were still best friends. This was a hell of a shock to me. And while I know things haven't been good between us, to have her tell a guy she's flirting with that she and I are separated was devastating.
I feel like I've been kicked in the gut and all the air has left the room. So of course now my mind was running wild all weekend wondering what she has been up to with this guy. I'm sick about it, mostly that she told him about us being separated but she never said a word to me. I've been I tears all weekend.
To answer your question, yes we both have counselors. And she is agreeable to going to see one together. Though I don't know if we will be talking reconciliation, or how to split up.